DId You Know?

Last night in my business class, we watched this video and it had such a profound effect on me, I feel like I have to share. PLEASE WATCH THE ENTIRE VIDEO! You will be surprised by the world in which we are evolving. It is scary, it is interesting, but most of all it is reality. Change is inevitable, it will happen, and the question is how we will as America progress and adapt to this change. Think back a long time ago, cars were a mystery to people, a new thing, but now we look at them as normal in our society, something we almost can't live without. There are many changes and ideas that were unthinkable yers ago. Please watch, I think you will be as amazed I was.

Talking Over Me and You

If you knew my story, if you knew all about me,

If I told you things, you did not see,

Would go home with me?

If you knew all about it would it change a thing?





I have been there before, always seeing more. Yes, I would go home with you. I see your face, the face that’s looking right back at me,

Will you take a chance on me?



We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.



The lights are getting dim; I see your face,

Looking right back at me, everyone is leaving

All that is left is me and you.



I can see the moonlight, drink your beer, stick around with me and we can finish this anywhere, the night is young, and so are we.



We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.



Now that you know all there is,

Do you see the reality?

I can look over at you and watch you just for a while.



I can see you and I see me, the sun is coming up and your still here.

We can be together, you and me.







We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Where did I go Wrong?

Where did I go wrong?
The nights, the days, they all roll together as one.
You were there; I was lost in your eyes, your touch.

Now you’re gone.
Where did I go wrong?

I fell, I fell hard.
I loved, loved like I haven’t loved in along time.
You cared; you were there, my best friend, my lover.

Now you’re gone,
Where did I go wrong?

All the tears cried, all the days they just pass by.
In everything I see, and everything I do, I see you.
Somehow I thought you would be there, by my side.

No longer, not now, you’re gone.
Where did I go wrong?

Moonlight Dancing

Dancing in the moonlight
Under a star filled night,

With you

Baby, feel my touch,
Grab my hand, pull me close

to
you.

Dancing in the moonlight,
Gazing at the stars tonight

These summer dreams make me feel right,
Feeling the breeze caresses my shoulders, sending shivers down my body,
Feeling the midnight dew from the grass on my feet,

Smiling at you.

Dancing in the moonlight,
In my white dress with you,
It all seems so right.
Shadows from the moon,
Kisses from the stars,

Summer dreams,
moonlight dances,
star filled nights

Dreaming of you.

Dancing in the moonlight.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Baby Steps

Let me begin this post by saying my life is so different from what is was a year ago. I have a new job and am back in school. Last year my new year’s resolutions were just that, so it is a big accomplishment that I have met those two goals in my life. I had a few people who really helped me get to where I am now, and I thank them dearly. Unfortunately one of them is no longer in my life and it saddens me because that person was a large factor in encouraging me to be a better person and always supporting me to achieve better things for myself in life. It is what it is and I can only be grateful for what they have done for me, even though they are gone.

Last night I started my second class with a new professor, and I received the biggest complement that really made me think about my life. He told me that I had charisma and that in ten years someone was going to ask me how I got to where I will am. Now if you know me, you know that one of my biggest challenges is communication, when I told my professor that he laughed, so did the rest of my class. You see one of my goals is to be a better speaker and communicator. I need to conquer my fear of rejection and just say and do what needs to be said and done. So what if it's not what the other person feels or agrees with. Again I reflect back to a year ago, and there is no way in hell that I would have got up in front of a class and actually talked, I was a mute, no literally I was, it took me a long time to open up. All of my communication was done through my writing.

Baby steps, it takes baby steps, and one of the things I have learned is I can't change on demand, I need to address my personal issues before I can move on to the next. I feel that I have come a long way. I have dealt with a lot of my past and have come to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me, and that certain people grace our lives, may it be for just a short while they are there for a purpose. That purpose can be for anything but they come for a reason. They are a part of your life.

When my professor told me this last night I was in shock, I realized that as a person I have grown and become a little of who I used to be. People used to say how much fun I was to be around and that my energy was addictive, a part of that is slowly coming back. I admit it took a few years and a lot of work, a lot of encouragement and a push in the right direction, some might say a wake up call. For the first time in a long time I felt good about myself, well that is not entirely true, I have been feeling better about myself a lot more lately and now I understand that I can't protect my heart, I have to take one day at a time and live to be who I want to be.

A quote that stuck out to me last night was "Failure is the tuition you pay for success" by Walter Brunell. This fits me so well it is scary. There are so many things that I have failed at, yet there are many things that I have and am exceeding at. If it was not for who I was then, I am unable to become who I am today. My life is no where near perfect and I still have a few obstacles to overcome, but who doesn't? I have worked hard to be where I am today, and I know I am a strong person.

Sometimes I think of the heart ache and pain I feel at times and then I remember the pain I felt a long time ago and it in no way compares to what once was back then. I got through that in one piece and I can get through whatever life throws at me now. It's not easy, but whoever said life was easy. You take one day at a time, Baby steps.

Going back to school was a challenge for me, however pursing my degree in Human Development was the best decision I could have made for myself. Not only am I learning about myself I am also learning about others and what is important in life to succeed, the challenge; Making it happen and applying it to your life. ONLY YOU can do that. Others will be there to help you along the way, but it has to be you who implements those factors into your everyday life.

Learning what is best for you it's hard, it hurts, and it challenges you in ways you can't even imagine, but in the end it will only benefit you. At this time I am learning to communicate better with my classmates, my colleagues at work, my friends and family. I am proud, I am stepping outside of the box, putting myself out there, yes it uncomfortable, yes it's hard, but each day it becomes a little easier. I now realize that my opinion's are valued, and what I have to say makes people laugh, makes people think and most of all it makes them see me as more than just a person who is shy and uncommunicative. A person will decide if they like you in the first five minutes of meeting you, it's up to you to make that effort, that first impression.

All in all life has turned, it turned a lot, and in the right direction. Again I thank the few people who helped me get there and you know who you are, Without your support and encouragement I might still be stuck in a rut. Thank you to the ones that still support me and are there for me, even at 2 in the morning or whenever I am freaking out about school and life I love you with all my heart.

Sorry for the long post, if you have read this far, you ROCK!

Remember Baby Steps, it's all about baby steps, one day at a time. That's all I can do for now :)

xoxo

Take me the way I am

Can you feel the shiver that shakes my body?
Your touch, so gentle
My hearts a flutter

You hold my hand, when I am weeping.
Pour me a glass of wine, and then you help me drink it.
You light my cigarette, and watch me smoke it.

I love the way I am
You love me the way I am

When you are cold, I'll make you warm,
If you are sick, I'll make you better.
I'll kiss your crying tears, I'll wipe them away.

Love me the way I am.

I love you the way you are.

Hold on tight, the ride is getting stronger
Call me baby, your voice is music.

I hear you calling, just wait a minute.
Because my mind is smiling at the thought

of
you
calling
me

You take me the way I am.

I love the way you see me, when I am feeling down.

You kiss my lips and run your hands through my hair,
You comfort me, you take me the way I am.

No longer scared, no longer sad.
No longer cold, cause you're holding my hand.

I love the way you say my name,
I love the way you hold me,
When I wake up next to you,
I love the way you kiss me.

You promise me nothing and give me the world.

You take me the way I am.

Faces and Places

*** This is what I came up with while riding the max, yes I am observant :) ***



The faces, all the faces, the smiles, the tears, the look of worry or love, so many people, so many faces that surround us everyday, do you pay attention?

Everyone has a story, everyone has a past. As you observe those around you, do you wonder what their story is? Where they came from, who they are, where they are going.

My mind wonders as I stare out the window, the man sitting across from me in a wheelchair holding hands with the one he loves. How did he get there, does he look sad? No. He is sharing a moment with a woman, gazing in her eyes, oblivious to everyone around him, whispering "I Love You". I smile.

A mother trying to control her children, wearing a purdah; smiling at everyone around her. The man next to me offers her a seat, she politely declines, and her children cling tightly to her long dress. Still she smiles.

As I listen to my music, not hearing the conversations around me, but picturing all those who surround me. I smile.

I watch two young kids kissing and holding each other. Oh to be young and in love, do they know this is only the beginning? Do they think about the end? Why should they, they are happy in this moment, this one moment.

As my journey continues on, I observe are two young people sitting beside me, one is looking out the window with a look so sad I almost want to reach out and hug him. His friend is trying to talk to him, he is listening to music, and he ignores her. Her hair is so many different colors; she has so many piercing and her clothes well, a little off beat for my taste. Immediately I judge. Who am I to judge? It was not so long ago that I myself had holes in my body. As I listen to her voice, I hear nothing but a gentle soft voice, not at all a reflection of her image. She tries to engage her sad friend in conversation; he continues to look out the window and ignore her, looking incredibly sad.

A boy across from me is talking on his cell phone about staying sober for 2 weeks; when he turns 18 he will no longer go to juvenile hall, but to actual jail. He is laughing. He is so young. Does he know the consequences of his actions may affect him later in life? No he does not, he thinks he is invincible. I too once thought that.

The woman sitting there knitting away, again oblivious to those around her and sitting next to her a man reading the bible, then two African American men step onto the train, one with and afro, the other with "bling" and a blue hat with multi colored ? marks all over it. They are sharing headphones to an MP3 player, practicing their beat, tonight they are performing. Determination masks their faces.

Oh the places you will go. The people you will see. Will you judge, or will you observe? Will you move away from a person who doesn't look quite right, will you sit next to someone who resembles a gentle kind person? You realize that everyday we make the choice to see people for their image, not who they are. We judge them on based their appearance or their action, but we don't know where they came from or where they are going.

The face only shows the surface, watching a man who is smiling, may be holding back tears, the woman who has a look of worry on her face may be going home to an abusive relationship, or maybe her child got a bad grade and she is not looking forward to a discussion with him or her. The teenager who just stepped on the bus to get to the airport and fly home to see family whom they ran away from a short while ago, thinking they could make it on their own.
The fact of the matter is we don't know. The gentle, kind looking person could be a rapist, or a ruthless person, the man who looks disheveled could be a hard working father who has a wife and kid at home. Oh the places we will go, the places we have been, the judgments we make, the choices we decide. Not everyone is as they appear, nor is something as it seems. The outside can be deceiving, the inside is most revealing. We don't often get to see the inside of the faces we see everyday. Don't be so quick to judge, you must remember you are being judged by all the faces that surround you.

- "He who is different from me does not impoverish me - he enriches me. Our unity is constituted in something higher than ourselves - in Man... For no man seeks to hear his own echo, or to find his reflection in the glass."
-Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Attention Important Notice to Drivers of the Northwest

I would like to post this notice to the drivers of the Northwest, Please read as there are some rules I would like followed.

1) If you are driving in the fast lane usually this consists of the left lane and you see a car come up on you, PLEASE get over! DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT slow down and piddle your way, YOU are holding up traffic!



2) If you are going to drive in the left lane aka fast lane, PLEASE OH PLEASE go the speed limit, yes this consists of going at least the speed limit if not a few miles over. There is a reason why there are signs that say SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT. Please people obey this rule; you are annoying those of us, who are trying to get somewhere. DO NOT GO 50 in a 60 speed zone, and if you chose to go slow, PLEASE move to the RIGHT, yes that would be the passenger side of your car in case you didn’t know.



3) There is ABSOLUTLEY NO REASON why you should slow down if someone is getting pulled over. Come on people, when someone gets pulled over it usually consists of the police officer getting out of his car, walking up to the offender and getting his license and registration, going back to his car, running the information and either he will give a ticket or not. I guess it would depend on how hot the girl/guy is (depending on the sex of the officer) or if the offender is pulling the crying act (I have used this technique and it works, I don’t advice you to try this). No matter what is happening it is NONE of YOUR BUSINESS and really is it that interesting? I think not, so People MOVE ALONG! You make me late and I missed my train. THANK YOU!

4) Please do not cut me off and then slow down, you are only encouraging my road rage. If there is a tiny spot, do NOT try to squeeze into it, and when you don’t put your blinker on, well it’s not my fault if I hit you! It is not that hard to put on your blinker and wait for someone to let you in, I have done this many times and YES people it works!!! Now if you are one of those who wait till the last minute to get over before your exit, well tough! Chances are I won’t let you in, please DO NOT give ME the finger, it is your fault for being a procrastinator, and I don’t feel sorry for you. Plan ahead. You know where your exit is. Hey I have to sit in traffic too, but like most people I try to be patient and again it’s annoying when someone butts in after you have been sitting there for 15 minutes.

5) Next and last, people it rains 9 MONTHS out of THE YEAR here! Why oh why can you not drive in it? I lived in Colorado all my life and it rains there too, not as much, but you would expect that us Coloradoans would be a little more cautious while driving in the rain, No not the case. We drive just fine in the rain, I was expecting the same here if not better, and I mean you guys are used to it! I have never in my life seen such dumb ass drivers when it rains, even when it sprinkles. I mean WTF???? I understand the ice, that is scary, but the rain, come on; it is no cause to go 20mph on the highway! RIDICULOUS, plain and simple. I hear people talk a lot about all the people moving here that don’t know how to drive HA! I have been to a few different places, and nobody drives like they do here! SLOW!




If I offend you I am sorry, but come on you know it’s true. Let’s pick up the pace, do not get distracted on things that really are not that interesting. Learn to drive in the rain, move over, go the speed limit for heaven’s sake. There are a few other things that bother me, but I will not go into it because then I may REALLY offend some, so we will leave it at that. If you have anything to add, by all means add away!

xoxo

Mathematical Incompetence

Give me a word any word, I'll put it in a sentence, I'll give you a meaning, I'll write an entire story about one word…… Give me a book, any book, I'll read it and then summarize it for you, I'll even read it to you if you want.

But then, you……

Give me a number, any number…… O MY GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! Numbers what? What are they? How do they work, what do I do with them? Where do I put them, I feel an anxiety attack coming on… Think; Think hard… what is 2 + 2? I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!
Yes these were my thoughts today at work. I was given a project, at first glance sure it was easy, and I can do this. Then I feel the sweat come on, I start to feel anxious, and then I realize… Damn I should have paid more attention when I was in school…. Algebra. I HATE ALGEBRA! Hell I HATE math, period, no questions asked. It is my worst subject, my worst fear…. I knew eventually it would catch up with me, I knew one day I would have to use it. Then I cried.
I know nothing about math, basic math sure, if I have a calculator. If I don't forget it, I even have an easy tip calculator on my phone so I can figure out tips…. I am so bad. I never even learned my times tables, I still count on my fingers for god's sake.
Today was my test, I was given a large project at work that involved figuring out formulas for expectations we haven't met and why, I had to figure out the time it took us to do the project right down to the minute, and why it took us that long and how it we could improve it, ALL WITH NUMBERS! There were no words; there was no getting around this one. I actually thought about quitting…. This was not in my job description! I do not remember reading anything about doing MATH!!!! What was I going to do? (Putting my head down on my desk in despair)
There you have it, my weakness, my downfall….. MATH! I am incompetent when it comes to this, and here I was looking at a spreadsheet full of numbers, looking for the outcome of more numbers, all blurring together, numbers, I want to cry…….
"Relax, just relax" I tell myself "I can do this". "Relate it to something you know, ANYTHING, you have to do this!" So I start talking it out, yes I was talking out loud, to myself, laugh if you must. My boss did, when he walked by my office and asked me if I was on the phone and then realizing I was talking gibberish about numbers. He laughed, I laughed, and it was funny….. Here I am at work, talking to myself about numbers, trying to relate it to something I know, you would laugh too. Come on you are laughing now….
I know you are…..
I had to teach myself algebra; or rather I had to remember algebra, I had to figure out these formulas and I had to do it today. After 3 long hours of banging my head on my desk, taking numerous walks to calm down and telling myself over and over again "I can do this, I can so this" I did! I talked my way through it and when I checked it with my manager (fearing I had it all wrong and I was going to be the laughing stock of the office) it was all correct… Did I just do math? I think I did, I nearly had a mental breakdown in the process, but I did it!
Now don't try to test me on anything because I still know nothing about math, I can not tell you what the square root of 20 is, or what 12x6 is, or what a + b = c is, I don't know division, I don't know fractions, and I still don't know my times tables. I don't want flash cards; I prefer counting on my fingers thanks! I am just happy I got through the mathematical roadblock I was given today…. I am still a complete math idiot, but I did it and that is what is important. I learned that even if you are mathematically challenged, if you are determined enough you can do it!



xoxo

Thank You

Thank you for being there when I needed you the most,
Thank you for leaving me when I pulled it all together.

Thank you for taking my heart, and holding it so gently,
Then ripping it to shreds….once again.

Thank you for making me believe that what I saw in you was real,
Thank you for taking it all away and leaving me in tears.

Thank you for being so understanding at the time,
Then holding it against me, and messing with my mind.

Thank you for all that you are and all that you have done,
You made me stronger, pushed me to be better, then left me far behind.

Thank you for making me feel so deeply for you,
Thank you for telling me, it's not the same for you.

Thank you ever so much for stringing me along,
Playing games, hurting me, then you don't even care.

Thank you for all of your time,
But I don't need you anymore.

You take me for granted, leave me to cry, to hurt, to you it's just a game.

Thank you for making me realize that you were a complete waste of time, Thank you for waking me up, this time I will leave you behind.

No need to say how you really feel, I know, you said, I don't need to hear it again.

Thank you once again asshole.

Kates

One Left Behind

Sometimes we hurt, many times we cry. Life can be good; life can crush your heart so hard that it makes you want to scream. Somehow, someway we will get through it. After many nights of laying awake and wondering what went wrong, one day you will wake up and realize, it just wasn’t meant to be. You will cry, sometimes so hard your head will hurt, your throat will swell and you’ll understand the pain of a heart ache. Some say it is better to love than to never have loved at all. I think this is true. You love, you hate, your heart screams so loud, you can’t sleep. All the time you put into someone, only to have them tell you they don’t love you back. If it’s been this long maybe they never will. Then it’s time to let go.

The pills help ease the pain, the loss of feeling can make you numb. Numb to the pain in your heart. There is no simple answer; there is no simple thought, just memories and pain. All wrapped into one. You loose your train of thought, you lose your concentration. Then one day you wake up and realize, it is for the best. Getting to that is the hardest part, it can make you crazy, it can make you indescribable. But that is not the concern of the one who has hurt you, that is not the concern of the one who broke your heart.

Now there is no one to talk to, no one to turn to, just me; exactly as it should have been in the first place. Now it is time, time for myself time for my heart to heal. Because right now it is broken and he doesn’t care.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Broken Soul

The Pain sears me deep inside, twisting my heart, releasing my tears.

One step forward, three steps back.

Learning to love, to care all over again, I begin.

Thoughts of you invade my mind, and I wonder why?

I think of you often and miss your touch, your kiss, your heart.

I miss us; I miss your gentle caress, the closeness that we shared.

The comfort of waking up next to you and knowing you were there.

The laughter, the fun, being you, being me, believing we could.

Where did you go? Why did you leave?

When did you stop caring and loving me?

The questions that surround my mind are killing me inside,

Splitting my soul, leaving me confused.

Walking alone once again, scared to lose unwilling to try.

Is it worth the pain, should it be this hard? My tears fall, over you.

It is so hard to say goodbye.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Underlying Silence

The fog creeps within my soul, it hovers over my heart.

The silence of my convictions wears on me, it tears me deep inside.

Look at my face; see the pain, the tears, and the hate.

Feel the coldness of my heart, there is no warmth to cuddle your tenderness.

There is nothing there, nothing for you to feel, for you to crush.

My eyes are the color of the darkest night; the moon shows no mercy on my soul.

Daylight creeps inside, and is crushed by the utter silence of my soul.

The liquid trickles down my throat, slowly, fogging my mind.

I can not feel the pain, the numbness deep inside.

Slowly my pain is eased away; my mind is oblivious to the torture of my heart.

The smile I wear is fading from my lips; the anger is easing my stride.

As I slip into unconsciousness I can feel the pain subsiding through out my body.

The moon hovers in the night, the stars shine, the fog cleanses my mind.



Underlying Silence tortures my mind…

My Personal Prayer

Please give me the strength to be who I am,
Please help me see the beauty that lies within.

Give me the strength to reach deep inside,
Find me, and love me.

Teach me to love others, and find the courage to fight my own battles.
Help me to understand the pain of my past, to grow from it and make me whole again.

Please give me the courage to stop my tears, and find my laughter.
Please give me the courage to stand up for me, and not let others treat with me disrespect,
Walk all over me and crush my heart.
When this happens God, please, O please, give me the courage to move forward.

Teach me to walk, to stand, to move on my own.
When I am down, give me the courage to stand on my own two feet again.
To walk with my held high and be proud of whom I am,

Please God, give me myself back.
I need to borrow some of your strength, I need a shoulder to cry on, I need a hand to hold mine, for just a little while. I need you.

My courage has been misplaced, my strength has been hiding, my confidence has been buried. I need to find myself. I need to be me, again.

I miss the laughter, I miss the carefree girl, who used to look at the world and say “look at me, here I come!” Where has this girl gone, where is she hiding? Please God, help me find her again.

Help me create a new story, a story I can be proud of, a story I am not ashamed to tell others. Please God help me.
Help me, be me.

Really?

Do I have the words fuck me stamped on my head?

No I didn’t think so.

Do you think I don’t know? Do you think I can’t see?

Do you really think you can pull a fast one on me?



Do you really think that I will let you see me cry?

Do you really think I will ever let you in again?



REALLY?

DO YOU REALLY THINK?



Try again, you missed this one.

Get out while you still can, leave, don’t look back.

I am not going to be waiting this time,

I am not going to play your games, let you break my heart and then try to sooth my pain.

I am not going to put up with your blasé attitude, and your heartless mind, your endless games and your convenient time.



Go away; I can’t it take anymore, your killing me inside, making me crazy, loosing my mind.



Once upon a time, it was good, you were there, we were almost one….

Long time ago…



Now you are a pretentious asshole, doing as you please, stepping as you please.

Bow down to you, you are all that matters.

Not my feelings, not my tears, not my heart.



Really? Do you really think I care anymore?

Get over your self.





© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

I Love my Job, I Hate my Job

Every morning I wake up, stretch my arms, get out of my comfortable bed and then remember I have to go to work, the smile is quickly wiped off my face, and my lovely dreams of the night before have vanished. GONE…….
I go over to the mirror and force myself to say 3 times;

I Love my Job, I Love my Job, I Love my Job…. SMILING…

HHHMMM… It’s not working, I am not excited about going to work, and I am not excited about dealing with irrational and incompetent people and I just can not work up the enthusiasm to face another day with complete idiots!

I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB.
Yes this is the only rational answer. None the less I still have to face the day.

So I get ready, get in my car, blast the music on my 30 minute drive, hoping to release some anger before I get to the HELL HOLE, known as my job. I am a personal Banker and I do tech support for a rather large bank which will remain nameless for privacy reasons.

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I help you today”
“No I am sorry sir, we can not reverse your overdraft fees, I understand you are upset but you used money that you didn’t have in your account.”
“Well sir, it is not our responsibility to manage your account, it is your account.”
“I am sorry sir but if you call me that name again I am going to have to terminate the call”
Yes I get called every name you can possibly think of, bitch, cunt, stupid, incompetent, ruthless, shit face… You name it I have been called it.

If only, imagine the possibilities….

My ideal response would be; “ I am sorry you have overdrawn your account, but if YOU kept better track and didn’t spend money at the bar or endless porn sits you are visiting, that YOU don’t want your wife to find out about, YOU would have the money YOU need to pay for gas”. “It is not my fault that YOU are a complete dumbass and do not know how to keep track of YOUR spending.”
In a perfect world maybe.

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB……

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I assist you today?”
“Sure I can help you with getting online; first you need to go to our website and type in the address in the address bar”
“What’s the address bar?” (At this point I am thinking O god why are you on a computer if you don’t know where the address bar is) 10 minutes later, YAY, we have found the address bar… Now on to the hard stuff, I will not even go there….. Let me just say computers are not meant for everyone, and well if you don’t know how to navigate, PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO START USING A COMPLICATING NEW SOFTWARE!!! Learn the basics first… Also do not get frustrated with me if you can not follow directions. I know that the world of technology is new to some of us; I am here to help, not for you to yell and scream at because YOU CAN’T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS! I am not stupid, I have been doing my job for some time and obviously you are calling because YOU need my help, so sit tight and let me do my job and promise I will get you were you need to be.


 I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Let me also point out that screaming at me at the tops of your lungs, because of a mistake that YOU made is going to get you no-where. Again I have absolutely NO sympathy for people who feel it necessary to call me a heartless bitch because YOU messed up. Last year on the Eve of Thanksgiving, and I am talking about 7 pm the night before, a lady called in and bitched me out because she had $7 dollars in her account that she spent at KFC, and now she had no money to buy/cook thanksgiving dinner… OK first of all why are you buying Thanksgiving dinner at 7pm the night before and second of all who the hell spends $7 dollars on Thanksgiving dinner, what are you planning on buying a roll, yes a single roll? Get real Lady… She actually called me a heartless, selfish bitch. HHHHMMMMM

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Well after dealing with stupid customers all day, I then have to deal with the Drama of the everyday work force…. Let me just say, WE ARE NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL anymore, get over it! Do not Gossip, it will only get you in trouble, be careful of who you say what to, it flies like wild fire through the office and most likely will get you on bad terms with management. We are all adults here, even though some of us have the mentality of a sixth grader. Next, please do not go one about your sex life, your texting bills and stupid shit that I don’t care about. If we are not close, why the hell do I want to know about your romp sessions of the previous weekend… I DON’T! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I have very few friends that I discuss personal matters with, and I like to keep it outside…

Ok now on to dress code….. We work in a business casual environment, Please act like it. DO NOT come to work dressed like Madonna in the 80’s, that era is over with, please leave your club gear at home! Might I mention spandex shorts…. What the hell are you thinking? Ok, Ok I shouldn’t be so critical, but you wonder why you get passed up for job promotions when you dress like Brittany spears or Paris Hilton… Think about it people.

Once Again I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB….

I keep telling myself that, I come to work everyday with bells on, thank god I have my happy pills on hand, otherwise I would never get through the day. Yes this is my job……. SMILE, show some white teeth!!!!

Girl meets Boy

Girl meets boy

Girl likes boy.

Boy woos girl with fancy dinner’s and expensive things.

Girl appreciates what boy does, but girl is not interested in money.

Girl and Boy date for over a year, yes date.

Girl wants more.

Boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars.

Boy wears pink polo’s and shops at Mario’s .

Girl is not impressed.

Girl wants the fairy tale and love.

 

Did I mention that boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars?

 

Boy say’s “That’s just the way I roll” “I’m boy, I do what I want”

Girl gets sick of boy; girl doesn’t want popped collars and pink polo’s.

Girl kicks boy out…. He can have his popped collars and pink polo’s

Drive his fast car and bang his bitches.

Boy is confused……

 

The end

Drinking and the Fun, not to mention embarassment that goes along with it

Inspired by a book I am currently reading "The Idiots Girls' Action-Adventure Club" By Laurie Notaro…. Recommend by non other than Holly Harlot ?



Drunkenness, we have all been there, we have all made asses out of ourselves… So let's talk for a moment about the do's and don'ts .

1) NEVER EVER drunk dial or text, good friends are excluded from this rule. Do you ever wake up after a night of absolute partying, and look at your phone the next morning and think, "OMG why did I call my ex? What was I thinking? What did I say?" Then a sinking feeling develops in the pit of your stomach and redness covers your face, and you ponder all day about what was said…. You are afraid to call them because you know you embarrassed yourself completely… "I fink I vhant you back…. Slur, slur" "vhat happened between us? Slur, Slur"…. Yeah we have all been there….
Then you look at your outgoing texts…… All fuckered up because 1) you had to close one eye to concentrate on what you were texting and 2) it's all mumble jumbo…. No response from the other party…. "Thank god, maybe they knew I was drunk….
Then come the dreaded phone calls of the people you called/texted the night before.. "Dude you were wasted" "Sorry getting back together is not an option"
Ok redness in the face again…. My advice, give your phone to a designated, trusted phone holder. Lucky for me, I have learned to control the drunken dialing and use my better judgment when it comes to this.




2) We tend to feel more confident as the drinks go down. Me, well I am a repeated offender of this. First of all I can not carry a tune, and have been told I sound like a beached whale when I sing, but for some reason as 1, 2, 3 drinks invade my system I am the next Carrie Underwood…. Can I sing? Absolutely NOT! I still seem to think I can after a few… ?

3) Again let's talk about the confidence thing, KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! This I seem to have under control, now. As I turned the ripe old age of 21, well let's just say I was the flasher of all flashers…… Yes I got caught with my shirt up and on camera that was posted on a flyer for the next event the coming weekend…. Yeah not so proud of that one! Again I blame my age and stupidity for that one, but hey we learn. After that I kept my shirt down. Going to the club I see many girls in their short skirts and mid-drift tops, showing ALL their stuff, and I do mean ALL. Now this to me is asking for pure attention…. But hey, they are young, again you live, you learn…

4) On to the subject of liquor… Stick with the one's that don't make you crazy. For me it's Tequila…. I have a drunk happy Katy, then I have a mean, bitchy Tequila Katy, and let me tell you it is not pretty. I also tend to black out when drinking this drink. When my first roommate and I lived together we decided to have a margarita party, we bought a 1.75 leader of the good ol' Jose… There were five of us and well, it was a night to say the least. One of our friends jumped off the balcony of our apartment and ran like I have never see before… I just remember us all saying "Run Forrest, Run". Did I mention we lived on the fifth floor? This was after a fist fight over drunkenness nothingness; did I mention we were all good friends? Well to end here I woke up in my bed wearing a dress I have never seen before with a feather boa around my neck…. HHHMMM…. I remember thinking to myself, what happened to the darkness? O well.



5) Never get into deep conversations with people you don't know very well, and tell them your life story. Again I am a repeated offender of this. I tend to talk, talk, talk, about EVERYTHING, just ask my friend Melanie…. I was so close to her, "Melanie, you don't understand, but Melanie, just listen" I must have said her name a million times, or so I was told. Now don't get me wrong I have met some fine individuals while having a few cocktails, but the conversation always revolves around weird but interesting topics, not something I might discuss if I were sober.….. My advice be careful what you say.

6) Now fellows, this one is for you….. If you can't dance when you are sober, well don't even attempt it when you are intoxicated. You will make an ABSOLUTE fool of yourself, just like my beached whale singing…hehe. Us girls are not impressed with your Michael Jackson moves, or dirty dancing while stepping on our toes, not fun, especially in 5 inc high heel shoes….

7) Again fellows another one for you…. Save your pick up lines for the 14 year old girls….. No I am not tired; I don't care if I have been running through your head all night. Don't call me a sexy mama, and lick your lips like you are going to get some… DREAM ON! Let's see another line that has been used on me, "I forgot my number can I have yours?" WTF???? No you may not have my number. Then the classic, line "You need to ditch the guy your with and come home with me" UM NO THANK YOU! This has actually been used on me as I am walking through the club, holing my guys hand, I feel a tug on the shoulder and Bam…. Get over yourself I am with him. Now I know all guys are not like this, just the ones that should we say have a big head, and an even bigger head after a few drink, so guys don't get all hurt, this does not apply to all of you!

Well these are my grips, advice, embarrassments, laughter and fun…. All in the name of the three D's, DRINK, DRUNK and DRANK. We have all had these experiences I am sure ?

In Remembrance of 9/11

Remember,
Always remember.
Cry for those lost, grieve for those never found.

Remember that day?
It was a day just like any other.
People going to work, people flying home, people walking on the street going on their way, children laughing, loved one’s kissing their loved one’s good-bye, thinking what a beautiful September day.

We did not know
We did not see
How could we?

Then it happened, and the world watched in shock,
As the first plane hit the tower,
Then the next,
We all watched in horror as they fell to the ground.
We came to a standstill, learning about our fellow Americans fate.
The lives at the Pentagon and the fighters of flight ’93.

Do you remember the fear? Do you remember the sadness?
All at the hands of terrorists
That took our freedom on that day.

To shed so much blood,
To instill so much anger
What happened to the love and laughter?

The families that lost all hope, the mothers that lost their sons, the children that lost their parents, the wives, husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends, we all lost that day.

We watched in silence as American burned, we watched in horror the witnesses of a mass murderer.

The calls came in “Honey please don’t cry, I love you, tell the kids goodbye”
“Be strong for me mom, I’ll see you in heaven”

Some waited in silence, waiting for the phone to ring, the phone never rang, they never got to say goodbye. Instead they watched on T.V. their loved one’s die.
They never came home, never walked through the door, never sat down to dinner,
Never said “I Love You” again.

Do you remember?
Do you still fear?
Do you understand the hatred that destroyed our country that day?
Do you ask why?

I do.
I will remember,
I will cry,
I will mourn the life, freedom and soul we lost on that day.

Game of Life

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

You laugh you learn.

Crying is just a game, loving breaks your heart.

Where to turn, where to go, so many different directions

Falling

Into

One.



The game of life, dealt with a deck of cards,

So fragile, so pure.

A game of Russian roulette

Pull the wrong trigger

BAM your dead.



Scream at the top of your lungs



HELP

ME



Watch me fall



D

O

W

N



Pick me up,

Hold my hand.

Cross over

Where I don’t know.



Falling deeper into you

Watching you

Contemplating your next move



Cry, sing

Feel me



INSIDE

YOU



Leave

Run



Don’t look back

Tomorrow never dies

Today is your life.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Unnecessary

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

Loving you was never easy; together we have come along way.

Laughing and trying to make it work.

Holding you, holding me.

Making me feel as if I am the one,

Being there when I needed you the most, missing you when you are not there.



I opened up to you with all my heart, gave you a piece of me that I don't share.

You take it wrong, saying I am keeping things from you, when it takes me so long to share.

You wonder why I shy away from you and hold up my barrier.



You know what?



FUCK YOU!



I am tried of your ruthless comments and telling me "that's just the way I roll"

Go bang your stupid bithces, and roll in your nice new car.

Go waste your money on things that don't matter, and then tell me I'm a money whore.

Go live your privileged life, and find your trophy wife.



Guess what?

I don't give a fuck anymore.



I guess you will never see what's good is right in front of you,

You take things for granted and lose the ones that care.

I guess it's only natural you treat your friends like possessions,

It's the only way you know how…

You seem to be good at making me feel this small.

Not that you care…..

I'm sorry……..

"That's just the way you roll"



No apology necessary, no explanation needed.



Guess what baby that's not the way I roll.



© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Fuck You

Do you really care or just pretend to care?
Why do you waste you time and mine?
Life revolves around you, your time, your life, your dream…
What about me?
Yeah that’s right fuck off!
I’m sorry did I stutter?
No maybe you just didn’t hear me..
Maybe you just didn’t hear me say that I am kicking your sorry ass to the curb and going my own way.
No more excuses, no more lies… no more, “baby let’s just try”
I am sick of trying with you and sick of making it work. I am sick of hearing you say “baby I miss you” When once again we are back at square one.
Being a convenience to you is getting quite old.
So I am saying it one more time
FUCK YOU!

OVER

A moment in time, a truth, a lie.
Questions, answers, please do not ask why.
Emotions are stirring, tears are streaming
Screaming in the back of my head.
Franticly swimming the thoughts in my mind,
Visions blurred, hearing left unheard.
Cover your eyes, hold on tight, this ride may last all night.
Scream like you never have before, cry as if you have no more tears.
Do not laugh, your heart is not yet healed,
Bow your head
Close your eyes
Live not today,
Do not try.

Better left unsaid

Some things are better left unsaid.

I love you

Just turn your head away,
Don’t look my way
Don’t chase after me, just walk away.

Unsaid, to you.

Let me cry inside, let me walk
Set me free, don’t come looking.

You’ll never see my tears or feel my heartbeat,
My hand slips from yours, just let go.
Don’t ask why, don’t question my intention,
Don’t whisper in my ear

I
Miss
You

Some things are better left unsaid.

Unable to give me what I need, providing a false sense of hope
Leading me down a path of hurt, staying until your next convenience.
Hating you for who you are, resenting you for what you do.
Playing your game for just a while, letting you go…..

NOW.

I could say all these words to you, speak them from my lips, make you hurt, and cry, make you wonder why…. I feel the way I do…. Loving you, Hating you, Lusting you, Resenting you……

But to you, some things are better left unsaid.

Near My Heart

Whispers in my ear,
Thoughts of you so near.

Waiting
For
You

Your heart beats
Next to mine
Your hand holds mine

Your kiss so gently on my lips

Your
Touch…..

Reaching out to me.
Holding me close
Feeling me

You whisper in my ear
I am here

You hold me
Calming me,
Daring me not to fear

I am with you
You can close your eyes

Dream
I will wake you
If you cry

Hold me close
Don’t let go

I won’t my darling
Please
Let me near.

Don’t push me away
I am here

For
You

Always.

For You

Starless nights, music to my ears,
Loving and learning
To the beat of my heart.

Moon shining glitter, over the water
Laying in your arms,
My heart is a flutter

So many lessons learned with you at my side,
My heart once again opens,
To you.

Sleeping so soundly, feeling your breath, your heartbeat,
As you hold me close.

My eyelids are heavy, my heart is light
Knowing you are there
Waiting for me, learning with me
Watching over me
Making me feel alive.

Tasteful wonders, sweet kisses
Listening to your voice
Feeling your caress, against my skin.

Reaching for me, feeling your hand
My sleep becomes sound,
I have found my calm.
In you.

Release Me

Sitting alone under a starless sky,
Not knowing how to laugh or cry.
Feelings that should be numb,
Strike me deep inside.
My tears are dry, my soul is hallowed.
I feel nothing, yet everything.
All wrapped into me.

Give me an answer, feel me cry.
Give me the strength,
To at least try.
To walk again with my held high.

Emotions that are swept to the floor,
My heart tingles, feeling the panic
Of being alone,
Not sure where to turn,
How to love,
How to be me.

Lost in world, lost to myself,
Tears streaming down my face,
Up and down, never settling for what may be,
Never satisfied with just me.
The beauty that lies within,
Lost for the world to see
Re surface, release, let me be free.

Give me an answer, feel me cry.
Give me the strength,
To at least try.
To walk again with my held high.

ONE

Emotions run high, and answers remain unanswered. Why?
Thoughts, Comments please.



There was a time when life was full of smiles,
Or was there?
There was a time when I knew not to hate,
Or at least I thought.
There was a time when everyone was one, equal,
At least I was told.

The innocence that I have lost, is a story I have been told.
A story of hatred, of anger of legends yet to unfold.
The innocence of pure, of love, of laughter,
Of time so long ago.
A time in my childhood when everything was gold.

A picture of the world in which we have become, or what we have created.
I am still not sure.
A world in which there is no equality, no tolerance, and a mind which remains closed.
My mind has become numb to the picture I see.
PAIN, ANGER, HURT, RACISM, HATERED, MURDER.

Is there an end? A peaceful mortality?

Each day I see the beauty that lies within the world,
That lies within each and everyone of us
So beautiful are we.

Why do we tolerate the hatred between diversity?
The racism, the murder, and the pain we so deliberately inflict upon those who are different, not like you or I?

Can’t you see we are all one, united, together for all eternity?

I see the good everyday,
I see the bad everyday.

I know that we can overcome,
Just maybe if we try.

For we are all different, yet all the same.
TOGETHER,
FOREVER,

ONE.

Emotions of my Heart

A piece playing a little bit of a devils advocate....



Waiting
For the gentle touch of your lips,

Feeling,
The soft embrace of your loving caress,

Watching,
You undress.

Anticipation,
For the ecstasy to come,

Excitement,
Feeling your touch next to me,

Desire,
To feel you inside of me,

Love,
The way my heart has become,

Sadness,
To know soon you will be gone.

Anger,
At the way you walked away,

Comfort,
Knowing you can’t refrain from me.

Courage,
To walk away,
Knowing someday,

You will be back.

Saying I love you, can turn me inside,
Lusting after you is taken in strides.

The comfort of you,
Is to much to bear,
To much to handle and to much to fear,

My heart,
Only so much can spare,
To the desire,
You leave me,

Alone

With my dreams of finding you.

Someday, inside of me.

Ms. Devine

Words of wisdom swept my mind,
Lost in the story of Ms. Devine.

Eloquently she was,
Never missing a beat, towering above others,
Kissing at her feet.

Caught in a whirlwind of emotion,
Loving all who came,
Shedding a tear for lost ones,
Reaching out for those in need.

Caught in a journey, she never should have made,
Looking towards tomorrow,
Letting the sun fade.

Dying inside,
Wiping the hands of time.
Crying for wisdom,
She carried in her heart.

The world saw her as this,
Yet she was never understood.
The beauty was outside,
But her soul is what held the key.

Inside she wept,
She felt the depth of her soul ripped from her side.
If only they knew,
If only they could see.
The side of Ms. Devine that was closed to the human eye.

The words she spoke, were just a whisper in the wind,
A subtle tribute to the ones she loved,
The ones that saw as she really was.

The words of wisdom that are in mind,
The words spoken by Ms. Devine.

Look inside, and you will see,
The true beauty and the person to be.
The person who flourishes, and the person we love,

Deep inside, lives Ms. Devine.

Intensify

Intensity burning, yearning,
Let it go.

Where is the flow?

Watching, waiting,
Scheming, Screaming.

You must let go,

Drop

Fall

Run

Run far away,
Don’t look back
Don’t you dare stay.

Jump, GO
Racing,

Intensify

Let the mind blow you away.

Forget the past,
Tomorrow is here,
Live in the now and regret the future.

To Live….

Bring forth the challenge, diminish the failure.

Heighten the flow,
Lose the low.

The pressure,
Let it go.

Write What You Know, Know What you Write

So this question or rather phrase has got me thinking. I love to write and generally have no trouble pounding out the words. Sometimes however, I get a little thing called writers block, or rather a few comments that say my writing is to heavy.
Well let me just say, I write what I know, and I know what I write. My writing may not be suitable for all to read, my writing may not please all who read. But hey, I write from my heart, and my heart may not always have something light to say.
I try to write everyday, and usually succeed. Some of my work is a work in progress, and I have a million unfinished pieces just waiting to be done.
For all of you out there that understand the power of a finished piece, well there are no words to describe. My writing is my baby, I nurture it with care and feel nothing but pure joy when a piece is born. I can honestly say that this is my one and only true love.
Now don't get me wrong I have had the pleasure of experiencing a love, but never the love I feel when I write, so yes my writing is always first. Some may say this is sad, some may not understand, but to me, writing is my passion, my dreams, my life - past, present and future. There is no love that will ever feel my whole life as writing will.

So this post is about my true love, take it as you will, agree, disagree, comment or don't.

I write what I know and I know what I write.
There is nothing that can take away the creativity, emotions, or reality of your mind.

Much Love
Kates

Mind Racing

Another Piece I wrote to describe my mind at times.


Thoughts race,
My mind is numb,
I can’t figure which way to turn.

Black and gray,
It doesn’t make sense.

I’m spinning,
Dizzy,
Not sure where to fall.

Left, Right,
Up, Down.

Please stop

STOP…...

Nothing makes sense,
I can’t make it right.

THINK,
THINK

Bring me down,
Calm me with you hand,
Close my eyes,
Decipher my mind.

Meditation brings to ease,
Falling,
Down.

Erasing my conscious

Goodbye

A little piece I wrote to cope and move forward...


You ask of me to give you time,
I look inside my heart to see the pain,
The scars,
The hurt…..

I can respect your thoughts on life,
I can’t respect your take on my heart.

I ask to you to give,
I don’t need a lot.

You want,
You need,
You have nothing to give in return,

To me…..

You can have all of me; all you have to do is ask,
I will give you my heart freely, but I need to know you will be there.

You are not there, you never will be.
I am asking you to leave.

Deep inside, I want to scream, don’t go.
It is so hard for me to let go.

You…
You have made me see that there is good,
You made me see a side that I have not been able to see for so long.
You gave me a glance into a side of my heart that I thought was forever lost.

For this I thank you.
So many things you have done for me,
So many different pieces you have picked up and put back together,

Inside of me.

Now it is time to say goodbye, now I am letting you go.
You are not right for my heart,
For all that you have done, you kill me inside.
I will forever be grateful for your presence at the time.
I am not angry, I am not mad, just numb.

I have to say goodbye.

Emotions of Me

I love,
I hate,
I learn,
I give,
I am here,
Sometimes I have to leave.

I feel,
I cry,
I laugh,
I scream.
I scream so loud, I lay down and weep.

I am me,
I am a person,
I breathe,
My heart beats.

I feel just as anyone will,
I have a conscious, sometimes it bleeds.

I have a desire,
A desire that runs deep.
A hope, A dream
A belief in me.

Nothing is perfect, including me,
Life is a journey,
A journey, to find your key.

A key to life,
Freedom,
Pain,
Happiness,
And hope.

A reason to go on,
A reason to live.

A person who lives,
Inside of me.

Damn You

I love you
I hate you

I miss you when your not here,
I can’t stand you when you are.

My anger rises at you for no reason
Then melts away when you hold me near.

I can feel you, I can feel your beat, your sweet caress.
Get the fuck away from me.

I know you’re not the one, I know I shouldn’t be…

You never understand, I will never let you understand.
I will never let you in.

You take my heart, you take my hand, I know you care
I will never let you there.

I wait for you to call then you never do,
Wait is it me who doesn’t call?

I don’t know, I can’t think.
You confuse me, you torment my heart.

Damn you,
Damn you for coming into my life,
Damn you for not being there, only when you please,

Damn you for making me believe, then taking it all away.

It’s not right, it’s not fair,
Let me have my heart back.
I can’t take it, I won’t even dare.

You’re asking me to give, give something that I can’t.
My heart is not for sale, it’s not a toy.

Damn you,
Damn you for being you.

Hello

Hello?

Hello, it’s me, you may not know,

Are you the one that speaks to me?
Are you the one that wipes away my tears?

Hello?

Are you listening?
Can you read what’s inside my head?
Can you feel the simple sensations that run through me?

Hello?

Where are you now?
You must be here.
I can feel that you are near.

Hello?

Is it you who leads me into my journey.
It is you who follows to make sure I don’t fall.

Hello?

It is you who graces my mind, and leads me to comfort.
It is you who is with me when I cry, when I smile, when I laugh, when I feel hollow.

Hello me!
It is me; I am my past, present, and future.
It is me who falls; it is me, who picks me up.
It is me who loves, and me who feels pain.

Hello,
It’s very nice to meet you!
You have been there my whole life,
You will be there for all of my life.

It is me

The Mask

Time runs,
Hours pass by,
I look behind me and say goodbye.

Looking past my steps afar,
I see the gaze of your shining star.

A star that once was, a belief that once existed.
A dream that glazed the night, a hope that rang outright.

Now I look far behind, and see the flow of steady tears.
Tomorrow is just a dream, today a nightmare.

Never will I trust again, never will I see again.
The depth of the sorrow that scorns my heart.
I know I will never let you see my scar.

Each day pretending, Each day smiling.
Putting on a mask that hides my true identity.

You may never see the real me, the real me has been buried,
Buried somewhere, so far I can not even see.

It is best this way to not scratch the surface.
What lies beneath, is not always pleasant.

Heaven

The smell of lilies wisps across the valley; she looks upon the sun that sets in the horizon. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day, she thinks to herself.
She gathers her skirt around her, so as not to trip on the uneven ground, one last look at the beautiful sky above her and she is on her way home. She is careful so she doesn’t spill the basket of freshly picked berries and flowers that she has picked for him.

For him, she tries, tries so hard, to please him, to make him happy.
Everything he wants, she does. She does not want to make him angry; she does not want to make him crazy.

As she walks, she can still feel the bruising of the beating from last night. She is getting better at hiding them. He doesn’t let her out often. She doesn’t have to hide it as much,
The late afternoon sun caresses her face, and brings warmth to her heart, just a few more minutes of freedom….. Freedom, before she has to return.

It wasn’t always this bad, once he was a loving, caring gentle person, once he kissed and caressed her, instead of beating and molesting her. There was a time long ago, when there was laughter and love.

Each day she hopes for the laughter to return, each day she wakes and prays that this is the day, the day when he realizes he needs her and loves her.


She walks up the path that leads to their home, you would never know by the beauty of the home, the pain that lies within. The flowers line the walkway, the fountain flows so sweetly, the birds sit upon the tree and chirp their beautiful song.

As she walks through the door a sigh of relief washes over her as she realizes he is not home yet, she still has time to make his dinner. A fear rises in her suddenly; she can not remember what it is he wanted, what did they have last night? Was it chicken or steak?

Everything has to be planned so perfectly, so carefully, never the same thing two nights in a row. For if even the same vegetable is served, a beating is sure to follow.

She hears his car coming up the driveway, it is too late, and once again she has failed.
She has made him mad, she knows even before he walks in the door.

The screaming starts almost immediately, the first kick, she cowers to the ground.
“I tried, I tired for you”, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t hear her. He takes the basket of carefully arranged berries and flowers and beats her with them, the petals falling all around. The flowers she so thoughtfully arranged are everywhere.
He takes the berries and smashes them into her face, telling her to eat them, If she can be such a selfish cunt, she can eat them.
She tries to tell him they are for him; she tries to tell him she loves him. The tears are streaming down her face; the blood is pouring over her eyes blurring her vision.

He beats her more, telling her she is a crybaby, she is nothing, and he beats her till she is unconscious.

She lies there on the ground and she knows this is it, the end. She can see him standing above her telling her to get up; she no longer has the strength. He kicks her again, this time in the head. She can hear his hateful words, bitch, cunt, slut. She knows she is none of these, at least she once believed. She can feel the continuous blows to her stomach, her head, the words….. “get up you selfish bitch” “get up” “you still need to cook me dinner you cunt” She can feel the pool of blood forming around here, she can no longer feel the pain, in and out, in and out,

The final blow, he knows that this time he went too far, he knows she will never recover.
Once last shot to the head and she lies there lifelessly.
It wasn’t always bad he tells himself, I did love her once. He watches her die thinking this; he watches her die knowing he had no other choice.

He carries her body to the backyard, where he digs a shallow grave. He looks in and sees the petals strewn across the kitchen floor. He takes one last look at her and he puts the gun to his mouth,

She is running through the fields of flowers she had once picked for the man who murdered her. She stops to smell the lilies; she stops to feel the breeze. She gathers her bouquet in a beautifully woven basket, and falls back on the clouds and looks down from heaven. A single tear escapes her eye, a tear of joy.

Numb

There is a road that leads somewhere,
There is a road that leads no where.
Deep inside the depths of hell,
My sorrow sings like the first Noell.

I look upon a chirping bird, but can not hear the song that escapes.
I look beyond me, not really seeing,
Nor really feeling,
Just empty tears.....
Just empty smiles....
Just laughter that has no meaning,
A hollow shell in which I exist.

A shell I call my home,
A comfort that makes you numb.

Numb to the surroundings that make you real, numb to the pain that has no consideration as to how you feel.
Numb to the ones, who praise their love, numb to the ones that reach to guide you.

Everyday you walk,
Walk,
Walk,
to a place where you can be comfortably numb.

There is no outlet, there is no escape....
Even though you are away, You are still here...
Existing in this shell.

How Could You

I gave you my heart freely,
Never did I believe you would run with it.
I gave you trust,
You broke my heart.
I gave you a second chance,
You said you cared,
you made my believe that it would be better.
You broke down my barrier,
You allowed me to trust,
Then you ran, ran far and left me to pick up my heart.

So long it took me to allow someone in,
How could I know that I let the wrong person in.
How could I have trusted you?
How could I have fallen?
How could I believe that it would be different?

Now I know, there is no fairytale,
Now I know I am better by myself.
Now I know not to give my heart so freely,
For the pain you caused, is to much to bear.

I walk by myself,
I learn on my own.
I will pick up my heart.
Someday, again I will be strong.

The Beautiful Existence of Me

So many things I see in the beautiful existence of me,
There is pain,
There is sorrow,
Without it I wouldn't be me.

Tomorrow is here,
Yesterday is gone,
Look at me, I will forever be strong.

You taught me to live,
You taught me to love,
Without you, I would be gone.

There are so many things to see,
In the beautiful existence of me.

There is laughter,
There is passion,
Amid the anger, there was a reason.

You gave me a life,
A new beginning,
I now can see,
The beautiful existence of me.

The Beautiful Things

Do you ever stop to look at the beautiful things in life?

The flower that grows along side the road, smelling so sweetly.
The bird that sits upon the branch chirping away, guarding her nest.
The waterfalls that flow ever so beautifully and splashes so gracefully.

The touch of someone you care so much about and the laughter they bring to your heart.

Do you ever stop to appreciate the the stars that shine so bright,
The moon that graces your face in the night.

The sun falling over the horizon, or waking you in the morning, blessing you with the first light of day.

Do you ever stop to smell the rain,
Or watch the clouds as they roll above you.

Do you ever wonder why god created this unsparing earth,
and so graciously blessed us with the beauty that lies within?

The gracious mementos of life we take for granted everyday, bring so much light into the darkness of today.

Stop for a moment and play
For we are blessed with this wonderful playground each and everyday.

Trapped

Ever so slightly she turns her head to the side, she tries to hide the tears that are falling down her cheek. There are so many things, she can not understand. So many painful memories in her heart.
The lies,
the games,
the bruises,
the scars,
so much all at once. How can she ever let anyone see or feel her true self.
She knows she has to get out, get away, but how? How will she ever get away from the one who will never let her out of his sight?
The bruising is to much to bear, She can not ever bring herself to look in the mirror. The reflection is not the one of the women she once was, but of the woman she has become.



Shame,
Guilt,
Fear........ Will she ever be able to see the beautiful things again?
Can she ever appreciate the small things that once were so dear to her heart?
Will the light of day ever reach her face again?

She must escape...

Run,

run away, from the pain, the reflection, the fear. Where is the outlet?

There is no outlet,

there is no escape.....

Today is a moment in time, tomorrow may never come. Lift your head up little girl, and escape. Escape the hands of death, if you stay, he will kill you. If you leave he will kill you.

Then you will be free, free from the pain, hurt, and the shame. You will be able to see the beautiful face that once looked back at you, smell the flowers that once took your breath away, hold the hand of the person, who helped you escape.

Motionless you lie, as you pray for an elude to your life, quiet you breath, so as not to wake the person next to you, for if he even knew your thoughts...........
One day little girl, one day you will wake and see the ravishing life that you once so adored. One day the nightmare will be over, One day your life will grab you and take you to a place, a place far from here.

Silence

Silence,
It's the only thing that keeps you sane.
Silence,
Will I ever speak my pain?
Silence,
It's the depth that lies in your heart, but never comes to your mouth.
Silence,
It's the memory of yesterday, but the heartbreak of today.
Silence,
Please help me break away.

The promise of the lost, and the promise of gain. Never will I ever see again.

So many tragedy's in such a short time, please help me, help me live again.

Chances on Love

The feelings of your heart, will you ever understand? You cry, you smile, you laugh, you fall in love. There are no words that will ever describe the wave of emotional outburst you feel in that one moment.
The smell, the touch, the knowing look from the person beside you. They take your hand and suddenly everything is alright.
So many things to consider, but somehow you know in the end everything will turn out for the best.
Suddenly you understand that this person beside you is not responsible for the the pain that was inflicted on you in the past, and they are there to protect you from the new pain. Yes it is hard to understand the pain, however unless you let them in they will never be able to help you overcome that pain.
It has been so long since you have allowed yourself to be held, and loved by another, it seems so foreign, yet so familiar. Yet you still hesitate, you have hesitated for so long, why? The fear of hurt, rejection, pain.
Life is to short to hesitate, this could be the one, the one that takes your breath away, or maybe they already have.
Follow your heart, I know it's hard I know you are afraid of getting hurt, but that's what love is about. Taking a chance, a chance on life, on love. You could wake up tomorrow and never have this chance again. Not with the person who has helped you overcome so much in life, the person who never turned their back on you, even when things went from bad to worse.
Only you know what your heart desires, and to turn your back on something great will leave you with regrets. Life should never be about regrets, it should be about chances.....

Summer Days

Sitting on the porch, watching the sun set, that cool glass of lemonade in your hand. There is nothing like a perfect end to a perfect day.

Listening all around you can hear the sweet sounds of the summer evening, the crickets chirruping, the frogs croaking, and the gentle breeze of the day.
The coolness of the evening is so refreshing, after a long day in the sun, the breeze on your neck, send shivers down your back.
You sit back and think of the long days of summer, spending hours by the pool, or maybe playing baseball in the field, maybe you spent the day at the park, or riding your bike with friends, then playing hide and go seek until you see the porch light flicker on and off, telling you its time to go in.
You want to stay out just a little longer, the sun just went down. The promise of tomorrow is just a short nights sleep away.
The long days of summer bring back so many memories, watching the beautiful show on 4th of July, picnics, and baseball, the smell of suntan lotion, and the soothing feel of aloe vera on your skin when you've been in the sun to long. The summer romances that only last that short time, but always hold a special place in your heart, the ones you will never get over, because you know there is always the promise of next summer.

Reflecting on the long days of summer can always bring a warm feeling to your heart, nothing beats a perfect summer day.

Think Twice

Think twice before complaining about anything after reading this.

... Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.

He stays up for days on end.
__________________________

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water
__________________________

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward
__________________________

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt __________________________

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags


You talk trash on your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again
__________________________

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists__________________________

You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. And it's 112 degrees in his tent, IF the air conditioner is working!~~like 130 outside...imagine a blow dryer in your face ALL THE TYME
__________________________

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He does not get to eat today
__________________________

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for days, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________

You are angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He is told he will be held an extra 2 months...on top of the nine months he just completed
__________________________


You call your girlfriend and set a date for that night.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
__________________________

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why he is fighting.
__________________________

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him.

He hears the gun fire and bombs.
__________________________

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the bodies lying around him, and he sees the locals who are grateful beyond words that he is working to give them freedom.
__________________________

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does what he is told.
__________________________


You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________

You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable.

He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire.
__________________________

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of men like him.

If only there were more men like him.

If you support your troops, repost this

Remember, for those who have fought for it, Life has a flavor the protected will never know..

Freedom is not something to be secured in any one moment in time. We must struggle to preserve it every day. And freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Ronald Reagan


This was sent to me in an e-mail and I just thought it was worth posting. For all of those who are fighting for our country. God Bless

Thoughts on Life

You only have one chance at life, one chance to be happy, and one chance to make the most of your world. Nothing ever comes to those who lie around and wait for their calling, things happen to those of us who go out and find our calling. For many of us life is not handed to us on a sliver platter, but something we have to work and strive for. For those of us that have the easy route, there are no experiences and no sense of self satisfaction to be gained.

In my opinion there are two ways we can go through life, one, living to the height of our experiences, never taking anything for granted, and always pushing for that next adventure. The second way of life - pretending to be happy, but making everyone around you miserable, pretending to have that perfect life, never admitting failure and always faulting everyone else. Living of life of denial is not a way of life.

There are many of us that have been dealt a bad hand of cards, but how do we play those in everyday life? My friend, it is not easy. We have to take what god gave us and learn to play the hand that was dealt. True happiness will come within as you grow and learn. You will learn to be comfortable in yourself, as long as you look at yourself, and see that beauty that lies within.

Too many of us see an outside, a person for their status in life, but not for the person inside. I have learned that status and money doesn't always mean happiness and comfort. This is something that we should never base ourselves as a whole on. There are so many experiences in life that come through adventure, hurt, pain, love and laughter.

Learn to appreciate the simple things in life, the beautiful things, and the things that take your breath away. See the world for what it is, the good and the bad. Live each day as if it may be your last, and never take the one’s around you for granted. Never take life for granted.

There is no guarantee that things will be easy, or that the road you chose will always lead you in the right direction. Always remember that we can take those bad times and reflect back to learn and grow, even the bad times we should never take for granted. For those may be the times that make us a stronger and more willful person. It will make us wise, wise to ourselves and to give the knowledge of experience to others.

Never pretend to be someone you are not, that will only make you lose sight of yourself, and you will be denying yourself the true beauty of life, for you will never know what its like to live in your own shoes.

We are on this planet for such a short time and the one chance we have to live should be lived to the fullest.

The Tightrope

You look below and see nothing, so far down…. The rope beneath you shakes ever so slightly, and you know one step in the wrong direction will send you plummeting into the earth below. Some days you are able to walk this line with ease and confidence, others you can barley make it off the platform.

Nothing is ever certain, and each day gives you a new perspective into your life. It is still unclear why walking this thin line can be so easy, yet so difficult all in one. Many people walk with ease with their head held high, but you, you are not capable of this.

You ponder so many fear’s, and thoughts that race through you everyday, some days it’s all of your energy to get to the end, and then you awaken only to try again. Some days you run to the end, excited and hopeful of tomorrow, and you can’t wait to move to the next place. But where does it all begin?

Taking a journey through life is never easy, and the bumps you hit along the way make that journey a learning experience. It’s up to you to figure out how you are going to apply those experiences to real life. Your journey may be a long one, others are not so fortunate to take the long road. Some may chose the road to hell, while others will find their path to heaven. It’s up to you to take each day as it comes, and never forget the little things in life that helped you get there.

Nothing is ever set in stone, and no one said your journey will be easy, You will come along new obstacles every day that will challenge your inner self and make you wonder if you can go on. You will meet new people, some of them will try to steer you into a path that you may not want to explore, it’s up to you to be strong and see the trouble that may lie ahead. It’s up to you to believe in yourself, know that it will be you alone that see’s you to the end, others will stop by and assist you, but you will have to fight to make that journey home.

In the end you will no longer fight to make that walk, because you will know what you are capable of, you will trust yourself to relax and walk with ease, you your self will hold your head up high, you will no longer be afraid to walk that tightrope.

One Moment

Nothing is worth more than that one moment, that one moment that can take your breath away with one look, one touch, one kiss....
Words will never begin to express that profound moment in time, when your heart races, and you feel that excitement of that one touch, that touch you want to feel forever, that touch you so innocently forgot that made you tremble all over.
Suddenly you remember what home is, you feel what is right, your whole body sinks into a different kind of comfort, the comfort of the person next to you. You close your eyes, you take a deep breath and when you open your eyes you look into the beautiful existence of that person above you and you know that nothing else matters in this moment.....
The feelings that are running through you right now are almost to much, the weakness you feel deep inside, the way your whole body melts into that person, the electricity thats running through both your body's and then the pure ecstasy of it all......
You never imagined that the touch of that one person could bring so many feelings, feelings of comfort, and a realization that many people will never experience a moment such as this. This private moment when the only person you want to share this with is the person lying next to you, holding you, and somehow bringing an ease to your whole self being.....
Once again you close your eyes as you lay your head on his chest and just for one minute you forget what it feels like to feel anything different than what you are feeling now, now in this one moment......

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst
of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear
over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.. and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in
the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

This was sent to me , the author is unknown , I have to say it makes you really think about life, and recently this makes more sense to me more than it ever did before. I just wanted to share!