The Harvest Moon

Looking up at the moon, there was no indication of the pain that would change the life of a girl forever. As she sat at the top of a hill looking out at the city, thinking why did I leave my home? This girl is only 12 years old, thinking she knows everything, at the same time not knowing anything.
A story is told that very night, as the red moon rises over the city. The legend was watching a moon of that color raise, someone you are very close to, or you, yourself will come close to death. Neither one knew the irony of that legend, for by the end of that one might not live to see the next day.
The girl has no where to go, she certainly could not return home, for the trouble she was in was far to much to bare to the parents who loved her. Why was she such a disappointment to her family? Why couldn't she be a "normal" 12 year old. Why had drugs started to invade her life at such an early age, she was unable to understand the consequences of her actions.
Later that evening as these very thoughts invaded her mind, she thought to herself, why not end it all. A bottle of vodka sounded very nice, why not wash it down with a bottle of aspirin? The last thing she remembers is a song "do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once", her head is hit hard against a wall. Then all goes black.
The light is shining, it appears at the end of a tunnel, no, wait there are voices, unable to open her eyes, there is a taste in her mouth that she can not understand. There are people standing over her, one of them is crying, she recognizes her father. The girl was unsure of where she was or what was happening, she surely must be dreaming.
As she comes to, it appears she is in a hospital, she can now make out the voices of the people around her. Still she is unsure of why she is here. A doctor comes in and asks "do you know that you almost died? You were not breathing when you came in? We had to pump your stomach" At this point the girl becomes angry, angry at the fact that she did not succeed. Still there was more.... The girl was asked if she had sex, the answer was no. The doctor then told her this was not the case. At this point the girl was unsure of how to re-act. Had she been violated, and not even known? Yes she was sore and as she sobered, the reality of her broken body had set in. She was no longer the same person.
At this tender age of 12 her innocence was taken. Not only to the fault of the man who violated her in every way, but also by the attempted suicide that almost took this girls life. Nothing was ever the same, the girl grew up and never dealt with her guilt. She always wondered, did she say yes, because she was drinking did I deserved to be raped? The answer to this, the girl would not figure out for a long time. The nightmares continued throughout her life, she could never quite get over the pain she caused her family, and the damage she had done to herself. The man who did this was never prosecuted, which added to her fear.
The Harvest moon that she watched rise above the city that night, almost claimed her life. Had she not watched the moon, would her flirtation with death come to play as it did? When she hears the song or sees a harvest moon, she will always remember the night that almost took her precious life from her.

Something to live with

Most of my life has been a blur of emotions, I have thoughts that race through my head everyday. Sometimes I am not quite sure how to organize my emotions and feelings. As days go on and new experiences arise, I learn new things about myself that I have never discovered. I am starting to realize that this is a wonderful thing.
I don't always see things the way others might see them, and people do not always see me for who I really am. I am a very complicated person and I still have not figured out myself. I have a very hard time letting people in, this is to my own advantage. Life is not all roses and cherries, and people are not always as they appear to be. My own well being is very much apart of how I have come to these conclusions.
You see I struggle with a disease that messes with my emotions everyday, It does not always let me be as I want. This is why I can not let people see all of me. I am learning to take each day as it comes and learn from each experience. I try to enjoy all that I can, and to realize that each new discovery is a true test of myself. My experiences have taught me many hardships in life, however it has made me that much stronger, and will shape me into someone that one day I will be proud of.
Now I realize that many of my thoughts are very much scattered, but I write as my mind speaks to my fingers. This is one of the true things I so much enjoy in writing. Nothing has to make sense, but it all makes sense to me.

Epiphany

Not everyday day in life is about something, in fact some day's I ponder the meaningless ways of the world. But some days, like today you have a vision, and new goal or a sudden insight into your life. Today has been one of those days!

For quite sometime I have been thinking about the meaning of my life and where is it going to take me, I have to question the position that I am in and, is this where I am supposed to be. I have been told that I am a strong person and the experiences in my life have made me that much better, but sometimes I wonder if this is true. I have to ask myself that being almost 26, why am I still not happy. Well some things that come to mind are, "yes I am in my 20's, this is a time of finding yourself", or I have made my bed, now I am the one that will have to lie in it. Considering my choices in life, I feel that I'm a little behind. Now I realize that's OK!

Not everyone finds their calling right away, for others it takes many years to find their true self. I am no different. Now by no means am I saying that I have found the key to my happiness, but I feel much better about my future. I have done some very hard soul searching (that I actually started a few months ago), and came to some revelations about my current situation.

1) I am not happy, which given is a pretty obvious statement,
But what am I going to do about it?
2) I am not someone who is going to settle for something that I don't want, even if it may sound good at the time.
How am I going to eliminate these situations?
3) I need to put me first and figure what I want before I can learn to love again.
This is something that I have a better grasp on
4) My education is the most important goal that I need to accomplish for me to be happy.
Knowing this what will give me my push?
5) Not everyone is perfect and no matter how bad I think it is, I can move forward and regain my happiness.
This is one I am still struggling very hard with.

Looking at this, I still have a long way to go, but now that I have written them down and can look at my life a little more objectively, I feel like a lot has been lifted from my shoulders.
I have a plan, I have something to look forward to, and learn from for the first time in a long time. So now that I know this what am I going to do about it? That is something I am going to have to take one day at a time.
Learning about myself again, and going after what makes me thrive is going to be a struggle. I have taken many steps backward. In a sense though I am starting anew, and this is what is going to give me my strength to move forward!

Blah Blah Blah.....

OK so I have to ask, why is it that so many men have to be such ASSESS??? Being almost 26 I have been in a few relationships and I am starting to come to the conclusion that being an ass is in their genes. And I say this with laughter... not anger....

Yes, now don't get me wrong I know that we as girls can throw up some pretty confusing signs, and guys have no idea what we are thinking one minute to the next. And by no means am I saying that guys are the only ones to blame.... But come on at least we don't play stupid games, (OK let me rephrase I don't play stupid games) and it seems like the minute we expose our emotions.... BAM... Fuck off...

Its like men have these feelings that they can turn on and off like a faucet. One minute they care, "I miss you, your so beautiful"... Blah, Blah, Blah...then its like... "I just want to be friends", "where the fuck you at girl" or even "I'm just not ready to be with you, but i still want to sleep with you" What the fuck is that?

OK I get every man has to show their testosterone, and you gotta be cool in front of your friends....but get a grip.... We are not your slaves to treat like shit, and really does it make you feel that big to act like that?

Now as a women I have to admit that falling to these games is fairly easy, especially because WE think that we have this magical power to be able to change our men.... YEAH RIGHT! Men who are immature, will ALWAYS be immature, and no matter how your feelings stand for them, YOU WILL NOT CHANGE THEM! Unfortunate for me I have found myself in this situation to many times and someone said to me today that its the girls fault for putting up with that crap. Which is sooooo true!!!!

Now you have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who openly admits to sleeping with other people or treats you like crap? Most women (or men) will openly say NO! But in all actuality put yourself there and think about it. Here we go with the "i can change them", "if i stick around he will feel differently" crap. Again I have to say Blah, Blah, Blah....... You are not going to change them and guess what? they will never feel differently! By staying in that relationship, you are saying its OK! you are giving them (the assholes) the right to walk all over you. And really.... do you really think your man respects you if he out sleeping with other people? MMMMMM NO! and really girls, do you feel that great when you let them do that to you? I am guessing... no... Now I am not talking about dating... because here dating is fair game.... no attachments...... and people we all have to admit that is what dating is all about... but if you are dating someone for 6 months or more and you feel you are investing your feelings more than him/her than MOVE ON!!!!

So i have to ask a more important question. Why the hell do we put up with it? I know, there are many out there that don't and more power to them. GIRL POWER!!! But for those of us that have not accomplished that power, isn't it about time we say fuck off? HELLO..... Where is all this feminism that we are supposed to have in this day in age? Why can't we just say how we feel? The only answer I have to this is, getting hurt.... But fuck that...... Do something about it!

OK now that I have gotten that off my chest..... I have to say this applies to no one in particular..... Just some conversations I have had over the last few weeks (one being with someone i am currently dating, who i might add has some pretty interesting thoughts on the whole matter), not to mention the bible COSMO...and my own personal experiences have gotten me fired up, but not angry... just thoughtful...But it is definitely something to think about........

And one last thought..... Take each day as it comes....... you can't change what isn't meant to be. So in the mean time HAVE FUN! :)