Underlying Silence

The fog creeps within my soul, it hovers over my heart.

The silence of my convictions wears on me, it tears me deep inside.

Look at my face; see the pain, the tears, and the hate.

Feel the coldness of my heart, there is no warmth to cuddle your tenderness.

There is nothing there, nothing for you to feel, for you to crush.

My eyes are the color of the darkest night; the moon shows no mercy on my soul.

Daylight creeps inside, and is crushed by the utter silence of my soul.

The liquid trickles down my throat, slowly, fogging my mind.

I can not feel the pain, the numbness deep inside.

Slowly my pain is eased away; my mind is oblivious to the torture of my heart.

The smile I wear is fading from my lips; the anger is easing my stride.

As I slip into unconsciousness I can feel the pain subsiding through out my body.

The moon hovers in the night, the stars shine, the fog cleanses my mind.



Underlying Silence tortures my mind…

My Personal Prayer

Please give me the strength to be who I am,
Please help me see the beauty that lies within.

Give me the strength to reach deep inside,
Find me, and love me.

Teach me to love others, and find the courage to fight my own battles.
Help me to understand the pain of my past, to grow from it and make me whole again.

Please give me the courage to stop my tears, and find my laughter.
Please give me the courage to stand up for me, and not let others treat with me disrespect,
Walk all over me and crush my heart.
When this happens God, please, O please, give me the courage to move forward.

Teach me to walk, to stand, to move on my own.
When I am down, give me the courage to stand on my own two feet again.
To walk with my held high and be proud of whom I am,

Please God, give me myself back.
I need to borrow some of your strength, I need a shoulder to cry on, I need a hand to hold mine, for just a little while. I need you.

My courage has been misplaced, my strength has been hiding, my confidence has been buried. I need to find myself. I need to be me, again.

I miss the laughter, I miss the carefree girl, who used to look at the world and say “look at me, here I come!” Where has this girl gone, where is she hiding? Please God, help me find her again.

Help me create a new story, a story I can be proud of, a story I am not ashamed to tell others. Please God help me.
Help me, be me.

Really?

Do I have the words fuck me stamped on my head?

No I didn’t think so.

Do you think I don’t know? Do you think I can’t see?

Do you really think you can pull a fast one on me?



Do you really think that I will let you see me cry?

Do you really think I will ever let you in again?



REALLY?

DO YOU REALLY THINK?



Try again, you missed this one.

Get out while you still can, leave, don’t look back.

I am not going to be waiting this time,

I am not going to play your games, let you break my heart and then try to sooth my pain.

I am not going to put up with your blasé attitude, and your heartless mind, your endless games and your convenient time.



Go away; I can’t it take anymore, your killing me inside, making me crazy, loosing my mind.



Once upon a time, it was good, you were there, we were almost one….

Long time ago…



Now you are a pretentious asshole, doing as you please, stepping as you please.

Bow down to you, you are all that matters.

Not my feelings, not my tears, not my heart.



Really? Do you really think I care anymore?

Get over your self.





© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

I Love my Job, I Hate my Job

Every morning I wake up, stretch my arms, get out of my comfortable bed and then remember I have to go to work, the smile is quickly wiped off my face, and my lovely dreams of the night before have vanished. GONE…….
I go over to the mirror and force myself to say 3 times;

I Love my Job, I Love my Job, I Love my Job…. SMILING…

HHHMMM… It’s not working, I am not excited about going to work, and I am not excited about dealing with irrational and incompetent people and I just can not work up the enthusiasm to face another day with complete idiots!

I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB.
Yes this is the only rational answer. None the less I still have to face the day.

So I get ready, get in my car, blast the music on my 30 minute drive, hoping to release some anger before I get to the HELL HOLE, known as my job. I am a personal Banker and I do tech support for a rather large bank which will remain nameless for privacy reasons.

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I help you today”
“No I am sorry sir, we can not reverse your overdraft fees, I understand you are upset but you used money that you didn’t have in your account.”
“Well sir, it is not our responsibility to manage your account, it is your account.”
“I am sorry sir but if you call me that name again I am going to have to terminate the call”
Yes I get called every name you can possibly think of, bitch, cunt, stupid, incompetent, ruthless, shit face… You name it I have been called it.

If only, imagine the possibilities….

My ideal response would be; “ I am sorry you have overdrawn your account, but if YOU kept better track and didn’t spend money at the bar or endless porn sits you are visiting, that YOU don’t want your wife to find out about, YOU would have the money YOU need to pay for gas”. “It is not my fault that YOU are a complete dumbass and do not know how to keep track of YOUR spending.”
In a perfect world maybe.

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB……

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I assist you today?”
“Sure I can help you with getting online; first you need to go to our website and type in the address in the address bar”
“What’s the address bar?” (At this point I am thinking O god why are you on a computer if you don’t know where the address bar is) 10 minutes later, YAY, we have found the address bar… Now on to the hard stuff, I will not even go there….. Let me just say computers are not meant for everyone, and well if you don’t know how to navigate, PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO START USING A COMPLICATING NEW SOFTWARE!!! Learn the basics first… Also do not get frustrated with me if you can not follow directions. I know that the world of technology is new to some of us; I am here to help, not for you to yell and scream at because YOU CAN’T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS! I am not stupid, I have been doing my job for some time and obviously you are calling because YOU need my help, so sit tight and let me do my job and promise I will get you were you need to be.


 I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Let me also point out that screaming at me at the tops of your lungs, because of a mistake that YOU made is going to get you no-where. Again I have absolutely NO sympathy for people who feel it necessary to call me a heartless bitch because YOU messed up. Last year on the Eve of Thanksgiving, and I am talking about 7 pm the night before, a lady called in and bitched me out because she had $7 dollars in her account that she spent at KFC, and now she had no money to buy/cook thanksgiving dinner… OK first of all why are you buying Thanksgiving dinner at 7pm the night before and second of all who the hell spends $7 dollars on Thanksgiving dinner, what are you planning on buying a roll, yes a single roll? Get real Lady… She actually called me a heartless, selfish bitch. HHHHMMMMM

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Well after dealing with stupid customers all day, I then have to deal with the Drama of the everyday work force…. Let me just say, WE ARE NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL anymore, get over it! Do not Gossip, it will only get you in trouble, be careful of who you say what to, it flies like wild fire through the office and most likely will get you on bad terms with management. We are all adults here, even though some of us have the mentality of a sixth grader. Next, please do not go one about your sex life, your texting bills and stupid shit that I don’t care about. If we are not close, why the hell do I want to know about your romp sessions of the previous weekend… I DON’T! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I have very few friends that I discuss personal matters with, and I like to keep it outside…

Ok now on to dress code….. We work in a business casual environment, Please act like it. DO NOT come to work dressed like Madonna in the 80’s, that era is over with, please leave your club gear at home! Might I mention spandex shorts…. What the hell are you thinking? Ok, Ok I shouldn’t be so critical, but you wonder why you get passed up for job promotions when you dress like Brittany spears or Paris Hilton… Think about it people.

Once Again I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB….

I keep telling myself that, I come to work everyday with bells on, thank god I have my happy pills on hand, otherwise I would never get through the day. Yes this is my job……. SMILE, show some white teeth!!!!

Girl meets Boy

Girl meets boy

Girl likes boy.

Boy woos girl with fancy dinner’s and expensive things.

Girl appreciates what boy does, but girl is not interested in money.

Girl and Boy date for over a year, yes date.

Girl wants more.

Boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars.

Boy wears pink polo’s and shops at Mario’s .

Girl is not impressed.

Girl wants the fairy tale and love.

 

Did I mention that boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars?

 

Boy say’s “That’s just the way I roll” “I’m boy, I do what I want”

Girl gets sick of boy; girl doesn’t want popped collars and pink polo’s.

Girl kicks boy out…. He can have his popped collars and pink polo’s

Drive his fast car and bang his bitches.

Boy is confused……

 

The end

Drinking and the Fun, not to mention embarassment that goes along with it

Inspired by a book I am currently reading "The Idiots Girls' Action-Adventure Club" By Laurie Notaro…. Recommend by non other than Holly Harlot ?



Drunkenness, we have all been there, we have all made asses out of ourselves… So let's talk for a moment about the do's and don'ts .

1) NEVER EVER drunk dial or text, good friends are excluded from this rule. Do you ever wake up after a night of absolute partying, and look at your phone the next morning and think, "OMG why did I call my ex? What was I thinking? What did I say?" Then a sinking feeling develops in the pit of your stomach and redness covers your face, and you ponder all day about what was said…. You are afraid to call them because you know you embarrassed yourself completely… "I fink I vhant you back…. Slur, slur" "vhat happened between us? Slur, Slur"…. Yeah we have all been there….
Then you look at your outgoing texts…… All fuckered up because 1) you had to close one eye to concentrate on what you were texting and 2) it's all mumble jumbo…. No response from the other party…. "Thank god, maybe they knew I was drunk….
Then come the dreaded phone calls of the people you called/texted the night before.. "Dude you were wasted" "Sorry getting back together is not an option"
Ok redness in the face again…. My advice, give your phone to a designated, trusted phone holder. Lucky for me, I have learned to control the drunken dialing and use my better judgment when it comes to this.




2) We tend to feel more confident as the drinks go down. Me, well I am a repeated offender of this. First of all I can not carry a tune, and have been told I sound like a beached whale when I sing, but for some reason as 1, 2, 3 drinks invade my system I am the next Carrie Underwood…. Can I sing? Absolutely NOT! I still seem to think I can after a few… ?

3) Again let's talk about the confidence thing, KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! This I seem to have under control, now. As I turned the ripe old age of 21, well let's just say I was the flasher of all flashers…… Yes I got caught with my shirt up and on camera that was posted on a flyer for the next event the coming weekend…. Yeah not so proud of that one! Again I blame my age and stupidity for that one, but hey we learn. After that I kept my shirt down. Going to the club I see many girls in their short skirts and mid-drift tops, showing ALL their stuff, and I do mean ALL. Now this to me is asking for pure attention…. But hey, they are young, again you live, you learn…

4) On to the subject of liquor… Stick with the one's that don't make you crazy. For me it's Tequila…. I have a drunk happy Katy, then I have a mean, bitchy Tequila Katy, and let me tell you it is not pretty. I also tend to black out when drinking this drink. When my first roommate and I lived together we decided to have a margarita party, we bought a 1.75 leader of the good ol' Jose… There were five of us and well, it was a night to say the least. One of our friends jumped off the balcony of our apartment and ran like I have never see before… I just remember us all saying "Run Forrest, Run". Did I mention we lived on the fifth floor? This was after a fist fight over drunkenness nothingness; did I mention we were all good friends? Well to end here I woke up in my bed wearing a dress I have never seen before with a feather boa around my neck…. HHHMMM…. I remember thinking to myself, what happened to the darkness? O well.



5) Never get into deep conversations with people you don't know very well, and tell them your life story. Again I am a repeated offender of this. I tend to talk, talk, talk, about EVERYTHING, just ask my friend Melanie…. I was so close to her, "Melanie, you don't understand, but Melanie, just listen" I must have said her name a million times, or so I was told. Now don't get me wrong I have met some fine individuals while having a few cocktails, but the conversation always revolves around weird but interesting topics, not something I might discuss if I were sober.….. My advice be careful what you say.

6) Now fellows, this one is for you….. If you can't dance when you are sober, well don't even attempt it when you are intoxicated. You will make an ABSOLUTE fool of yourself, just like my beached whale singing…hehe. Us girls are not impressed with your Michael Jackson moves, or dirty dancing while stepping on our toes, not fun, especially in 5 inc high heel shoes….

7) Again fellows another one for you…. Save your pick up lines for the 14 year old girls….. No I am not tired; I don't care if I have been running through your head all night. Don't call me a sexy mama, and lick your lips like you are going to get some… DREAM ON! Let's see another line that has been used on me, "I forgot my number can I have yours?" WTF???? No you may not have my number. Then the classic, line "You need to ditch the guy your with and come home with me" UM NO THANK YOU! This has actually been used on me as I am walking through the club, holing my guys hand, I feel a tug on the shoulder and Bam…. Get over yourself I am with him. Now I know all guys are not like this, just the ones that should we say have a big head, and an even bigger head after a few drink, so guys don't get all hurt, this does not apply to all of you!

Well these are my grips, advice, embarrassments, laughter and fun…. All in the name of the three D's, DRINK, DRUNK and DRANK. We have all had these experiences I am sure ?

In Remembrance of 9/11

Remember,
Always remember.
Cry for those lost, grieve for those never found.

Remember that day?
It was a day just like any other.
People going to work, people flying home, people walking on the street going on their way, children laughing, loved one’s kissing their loved one’s good-bye, thinking what a beautiful September day.

We did not know
We did not see
How could we?

Then it happened, and the world watched in shock,
As the first plane hit the tower,
Then the next,
We all watched in horror as they fell to the ground.
We came to a standstill, learning about our fellow Americans fate.
The lives at the Pentagon and the fighters of flight ’93.

Do you remember the fear? Do you remember the sadness?
All at the hands of terrorists
That took our freedom on that day.

To shed so much blood,
To instill so much anger
What happened to the love and laughter?

The families that lost all hope, the mothers that lost their sons, the children that lost their parents, the wives, husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends, we all lost that day.

We watched in silence as American burned, we watched in horror the witnesses of a mass murderer.

The calls came in “Honey please don’t cry, I love you, tell the kids goodbye”
“Be strong for me mom, I’ll see you in heaven”

Some waited in silence, waiting for the phone to ring, the phone never rang, they never got to say goodbye. Instead they watched on T.V. their loved one’s die.
They never came home, never walked through the door, never sat down to dinner,
Never said “I Love You” again.

Do you remember?
Do you still fear?
Do you understand the hatred that destroyed our country that day?
Do you ask why?

I do.
I will remember,
I will cry,
I will mourn the life, freedom and soul we lost on that day.

Game of Life

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

You laugh you learn.

Crying is just a game, loving breaks your heart.

Where to turn, where to go, so many different directions

Falling

Into

One.



The game of life, dealt with a deck of cards,

So fragile, so pure.

A game of Russian roulette

Pull the wrong trigger

BAM your dead.



Scream at the top of your lungs



HELP

ME



Watch me fall



D

O

W

N



Pick me up,

Hold my hand.

Cross over

Where I don’t know.



Falling deeper into you

Watching you

Contemplating your next move



Cry, sing

Feel me



INSIDE

YOU



Leave

Run



Don’t look back

Tomorrow never dies

Today is your life.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Unnecessary

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

Loving you was never easy; together we have come along way.

Laughing and trying to make it work.

Holding you, holding me.

Making me feel as if I am the one,

Being there when I needed you the most, missing you when you are not there.



I opened up to you with all my heart, gave you a piece of me that I don't share.

You take it wrong, saying I am keeping things from you, when it takes me so long to share.

You wonder why I shy away from you and hold up my barrier.



You know what?



FUCK YOU!



I am tried of your ruthless comments and telling me "that's just the way I roll"

Go bang your stupid bithces, and roll in your nice new car.

Go waste your money on things that don't matter, and then tell me I'm a money whore.

Go live your privileged life, and find your trophy wife.



Guess what?

I don't give a fuck anymore.



I guess you will never see what's good is right in front of you,

You take things for granted and lose the ones that care.

I guess it's only natural you treat your friends like possessions,

It's the only way you know how…

You seem to be good at making me feel this small.

Not that you care…..

I'm sorry……..

"That's just the way you roll"



No apology necessary, no explanation needed.



Guess what baby that's not the way I roll.



© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates