My Penance

You spoke your voice

Yet you think I do not hear

So you scream

Flooding my eyes with tears

I am selfish, thinking only of me

All I ever did was love you

It would be selfish to want that in return?

So I never ask

You scream again

You Ungrateful Bitch!

As if those words have never been spoken before

It doesn’t make them hurt any less

You say you’re proud

Yet all you do is scream and yell

I try to walk away

I went away to get better for you and me

Or was it for me . . . yes me

I walked on the edge, one foot over

I was feeling so much better

Now I am one and ½ over

Now that would be selfish

But a relief, don’t you think?

I try to write, to pray

And not to think

About your hatred you feel for me

You finally revealed

My mental illness is too much for you to take

You suffer yourself

But you choose not to get help

Mine is much worse – she says

Your brain, your emotions, your physical pain

I can’t help you anymore

I walk away a gaping hole in my chest

Again she screams

 You Ungrateful Bitch!

Elixir of Death

An elixir of crimson, mixed with pills of destitution

Wasting away, teardrops falling from my eye

Shallow breaths 

Eyes fluttering, 

Slowly 

Sinking 

Into

Sleep

An elixir - so resilient 

Successively running through my body

The sweetened aroma of lavender surrounds and incapacitates the room

Patience

Patience my friend

Soon

Close your eyes, sleep my darling

The pain will soon disappear and you will wake no more

My tears stop, my breath breaks, my eyes close

Infinitely

The red elixir of death asphyxiates my body

Forever

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates

The Honor of Thy Father

The sunset over the ocean

A tear drop down her cheek

A feeling of lose rolls through her

Deep down inside

Racing through her mind

Yesterday a dream?

One step forward

Out into the never ending blue

The crashing waves promising

Take the pain away

Another drop falls from her wet blue eyes

Her stomach churning

From the reality she denies

Another step forward

The cold touches her feet

Crashing up to her ankles

The numbness, forward she leaps

Aching within, shattering her soul

More tears drop into ocean

Ebb and flow  

Salt mixed with salt

The water skulking up her chest

Was it only yesterday?

It seems like a life time ago

The moon and the crest

The stoning of her beloved

Gone forever, lovers lost

A crime so insignificant, or so it seemed  

One that came at a cost

A life now two that was lost

Now or never

The taste of salt engulfing her mouth

The darkness of the sea shows no mercy

The moon takes over, an eerie glow

She is pulled and obstructed by the cloth covering her head

In and out she fades from the pain

The death is excruciating and slow

The images of her beloved, blood wounded and death

She would have it no other way

He suffered the same fate

They will look for her

They will find her bloated body

Her father will not cry

She has shamed him

To him she will also die

The only disappointment

He wasn’t able to do it himself

For the honor was his

And not hers to take

The Legend of The Blood Moon

Sitting on top of the hill looking down at the city below, she thought she knew everything; she was only twelve
years old. Her eyes glazed over, a joint in her hand; she knew nothing of the world she lived in. Upon the horizon they watched what she thought was a beautiful red moon rise over the city. Just two friends laughing; one of them telling the other The Legend of the Harvest Moon, the other not knowing the nightmare that was about to begin.

On that brisk October night, as the cold sets in around them, the girl listens as she is told about the lunar cycle of the Blood moon and its prediction of death when watching it rise above the city. As the two watched the moon slowly raise the color going from orange to crimson, her thoughts were foggy as she thought to herself about death and how welcome it would be to her tonight. Whatever reason there was something eerie about watching the moon as it cast its shadow over the city, but the girl shrugged it off.

As they started back, she began to wonder where she would go that night, not home. She was a disappointment to her family, drugs had become her life. She was only 12 years old. The consequences of her actions would not become apparent until later in her life. Her thoughts quickly changed to the laughter the two shared at how funny everything suddenly was, the cold no longer bothering either one of them, walking back and talking about life as they reached the arcade.

The evening faded into late night, alcohol and drugs run through her body thoughts of emptiness and sadness invaded her mind.

Flashes of the red moon rising -in and out, the welcome of death, will it be peaceful?

The Vodka flows freely; finding a bottle of aspirin

Washing them down, she knows it was too much, no going back.

The blaze of unconsciousness starting to take over.

Fading in and out of consciousness a song is playing in the background, "...do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once",

Her head hits the wall, is she saying no, that damn song, “Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, It all keeps adding up, I think I’m cracking up, Am I just paranoid, Am I just stoned?” in and out, the punch hits her everything goes black.


Is that light? There appears to be a light at the end of a tunnel. Voices, yes she hears voices, she cannot make them out, muffled, strained, and scared. Her pain is too great to open her eyes, they are so heavy. Dry, why is her mouth so dry? And her throat oh god, it hurts. This is a dream, there was light, a tunnel. There is supposed to be no pain after death. As the fog slowly lifts and the light slips through her eyes she can vaguely see people standing over her. She recognizes the crying of her father, her brother standing over her, where is her mother? This world where she is lying is so hazy, yes this is a dream. She is dead.


Slowing she comes out of the fog, bright luminous lights no longer a tunnel, but a frenzy of nurses and doctors, surrounding her and looking at her with concern, pity, she is not sure. To her side she realizes her father is crying, her brother glaring. There is a part inside of her that is heartbroken at her at her father’s crying, yet she keeps it buried . . . Her Brother just hates her.


As she processes the realization that her attempt was not successful, the questions from the nurses and doctors start. Are they accusations, questions, or concerns? She is still too fucked up to comprehend.

"Do you know that you almost died"?

“You were not breathing when you came in. We had to pump your stomach"

Oh - so that’s the shit in her hair, and the chalky dry sore mouth.

Anger sets in, Anger that she did not succeed, and who the fuck are they to judge? They have no idea of the pain inside her. The darkness, the battle of the souls.

The doctor is he sympathetic, concerned? Concerned that this girl's innocence has been taken from her. How does he tell her?

“Did you have sex?”

“No” - The girl answers, but she can't remember, why can't she open her eye?

The doctor tells her that there is evidence to support a sexual assault.

She feels. . .  Nothing? Looking away from the tears of her parents, the glare of her brother, she does not cry, she cannot process this information. She cannot remember. Her head is in a fog, yet pieces of that fucking song and her head being hit on the headboard and that punch. Did she say no? She will not feel, she will not cry, the vodka still stings her throat and can feel the aspirin go down one by one. What time is it?

Twelve year’s old, innocent, yet living a life to a path of destruction. She has a loving home, a daddy’s girl, parents who would do anything for her. But her heart is frozen to the outside world, damaged, trapped by depression and nowhere to turn but drugs.

The night of The Harvest Moon changed her life forever; for fourteen years she never dealt with the consequences of that night. Her brother standing over her whispering “you’re ruining our family, mom and dad”. her dad crying. The nightmares, continued throughout her life. The question always lingered in her mind . . . Did She Say Yes?

Her question would never be answered.

Nineteen years later, the pain she inflicted on her family always stays with her. The memory of that night will stay in the back of her mind forever, seeing a harvest moon, the song by Greenday, all trigger recollections of the skinhead nicknamed “Cueball” the boys who threw ME out of the car at the emergency room entrance lying to die on the concrete sidewalk.
And he is still walking free.

The Legend of the Blood Moon

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates

The Devils Dance

The passion burned alive in the moment, the roads of a different existence

Along we traveled, before the day ended you vanished from this earth

There was nothing that would make the transformation, the angles came

The devil annexed your soul, the soul that was one, together

The road of a diverse path, it’s always darkest before the dawn

You played Russian roulette with your life, you lost

The needle penetrated your arm, bliss filled your mind

Every bag became more deadly, until it closed your eyes forever

Darkness filled your head; the sun would never touch your soul again

The devil danced alongside you, your touch became emotionless, and your head became still

It’s always darkest before the dawn; I had to let you go

You vowed to never leave. I held you as your eyes rolled

I watched as the blackness breathed out of you and the white enter your body

I was alive, the other part dead, I was lost, you were gone

The game you played was a travesty, your life in anguish.

We belonged together; a needle and a bag took the angles that surrounded you

The devils danced, invaded, laughed, lived, circled, held you

No ocean could put the fire out that burned your soul

My love was the symphony that carried you until you died,

The devil burned the heat, and you were gone before the day was done

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates