So I Say

Looking back on all the time
Looking back at me and you,
and all that we have gone through.
You want something I do not have the heart to give
You want something that compromises myself.

I messed up and broke you down,
You hurt me too; you left when I needed you the most
So I say my emotions are out for grabs,
So you say we need some time.

What about the times you hurt me?
What about the times I forgave you?
I lose control one night and suddenly you cannot handle it?

I never cheated on you; I never broke your heart,
Your heart is made of stone,
I commend the person who can finally get through to you.

So I say this is not going to work,
You tell me I cannot let go of pasts,
Yet you hold me to one night of pure emotional breakdown.

You tell me I am not the person I once was,
You tell me I don’t appreciate you or the things you do.

Is that what’s it’s all about?
Matching dollar for dollar
when you know I don’t have the money?

When you say you care,
Do you really mean it or is it just something to say.
Once you cared, once you loved me.

It got to hard, the emotions ran dry,
The tears no longer watered my eyes.

So I say FUCK YOU!
For all that you do,
For the grudges you hold,
The way you make me feel
Worthless.

FUCK YOU
Our foundation broke long ago,
The cracks breaking into pieces.

So I say, I am done.
No more tears,
No more pain,
No more trying for you.

So I say.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

So You Say

Can people who have dated really be just friends and then add in the factor of "friends with benefits?" Is it possible to set your romantic feelings aside or say lets see how things go for a while, I am not ready for anything in the short term, meaning six to nine months. Can you really do that?

So you say we are just friends, just friends and that I don’t want to start over with anyone else, I just want to be with you but I cannot date you right now. What the hell does that mean? Yes, it is true there can/was an altering emotional event that was compared to cheating or being hit (which by the way was neither), yes true one person had a complete emotional breakdown and the other decided they could not take it anymore. So where do you draw the line?

How can feelings just be gone, yes I understand the scarred part and even the part of you that does not want to deal with it anymore. However, how can you go to being just friends and then friends with benefits? If you truly do not have feelings for this person anymore, why would you want to continue the intimacy? Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and if it has been there for quite some time, you cannot go back to being just friends.

One person in the relationship is scared and doesn’t want to let go, I do not think either one of them wants to let go, so where is the line actually drawn? Can you draw a line here? There is no clear answer for this, is there?

So you say when things get rough, it’s time to throw in the towel and move on, yet you do not, you choose of your own being to stay and to not see other people. You choose to stay and be there, so you say.

Life changes people, it comes and it goes, one person touches you so deeply that it is hard to let go, you cannot forget the touch, the smell, the whole being of that person. The saddest part is that person is your best friend, and then it all changes. It changes to a point that your heart hurts, and your head screams, WHAT AM I DOING? You know exactly what you are doing and most likely will know the outcome, or maybe not.

Trying to be OK with a new situation is very hard, yet you know that you have a lot to make up for; this is your fault you know. If only, you can never say, if only. It happened, and it happened for a reason. We all know this to be true, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. No one knows what is going to happen 2 hours, 10days, or 6 months from now. However, what you do and what you say can shape what will happen in the future. If it is your actions that put you there, you need to take responsibility.

So you say this is how it’s going to be for a while, so you say this is all you can deal with, so you say I don’t want to date anyone else, so you say can you deal with this?

So what do I say?

Human

Come on baby dry your eyes,

Hurting you is the last thing I wanted.

You left, I needed to fill the void in my heart.

I would never to try to hurt you,

I just want to be with you.



I’m only human, born to make mistakes.



I long to hold you at night,

Hear your voice in my ear.

Kiss me in the morning

Kiss me goodnight.



Hurting you has hurt me,

Please baby dry your eyes.

Come back to me.



I’m only human, born to make mistakes.



Lying awake at night thinking about you

You used to lye beside me,

I would turn around and there you were

Holding you close,

Never will I let go again.



I’m only human, born to make mistakes

Some mistakes can’t be fixed.

I’m sorry baby.



© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Gone is the Angel

You came into my life,

I was watching you from afar

My angel, my shining star

You didn’t know it yet,

But you would become the light of my life

The whole existence of my being.



My life revolved around nothingness

It became unclear,

Until I met you.

Suddenly life was worth living

It had a purpose.



Then one day you were gone,

My life shattered,

My angel left my side.



The pain became to hard to handle

I found you in the bathtub

Blood everywhere,

A bottle of pills beside you on the ledge.



A note,



I love you my dear,

I always have,

I may not be here in body

I will live inside your heart.

Forever.

You will manage; you are stronger than me,

The voices became too much, the pain to hard to bear.

My love, my angel,

Do not forget

Love,



I cried for days,

Knowing my shining star was gone,

Am I stronger than her, than my angel?

Forget never

Love again

Never.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Last breath

One more bottle, one more pill,

One more breath,

One last look.



The world is to rigid,

The past to deep,

Far too much to see

Too many tears fall.



One last breath

Her eyes close,

The pain is gone

The bottle empty.



She does not call,

This time it is the end.

There is no tomorrow

This is the end.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates