Letting Go

A bitterness settles in my heart 

A bottle in my hand

If ever there was a time to let go 

Everything happens for a reason

You have to let it go

Move forward, on

The knots get tighter 

They wrap around my heart

Slowing suffocating my emotions 

Leaving me no choice 

Letting go, it's time to go

Forever is a long time

There is no guarantee

Is the pain worth the suffering 

Say goodbye, letting go

To each other we hold on

The heart slips away

Fading into the darkness 

Wavering slowly, there's nothing left to hold

To each and everyone

It was just to hard

The battle long, the fight to big

It's time to let go 

Left or Right

I live, walk, run and turn

Still the sight of you

Remains

Emotions run through my head

Tears down my cheeks

There is a left and a right

Some would say to take the road less traveled

Others a road well-traveled

One road takes you to your soul

While the other the darkness

A left or a right

Imagines of you pierce my eyes

While your touch fades my grip

Holding on is letting go

Letting go is moving forward

No left or right

No road less traveled

Feel through me, see me

Hold me, don’t let go

You’re already gone, my eyes are closed

Left or right

To you

Or reality 

The Devils Dance

The passion burned alive in the moment, the roads of a different existence

Along we traveled, before the day ended you vanished from this earth

There was nothing that would make the transformation, the angles came

The devil annexed your soul, the soul that was one, together

The road of a diverse path, it’s always darkest before the dawn

You played Russian roulette with your life, you lost

The needle penetrated your arm, bliss filled your mind

Every bag became more deadly, until it closed your eyes forever

Darkness filled your head; the sun would never touch your soul again

The devil danced alongside you, your touch became emotionless, and your head became still

It’s always darkest before the dawn; I had to let you go

You vowed to never leave. I held you as your eyes rolled

I watched as the blackness breathed out of you and the white enter your body

I was alive, the other part dead, I was lost, you were gone

The game you played was a travesty, your life in anguish.

We belonged together; a needle and a bag took the angles that surrounded you

The devils danced, invaded, laughed, lived, circled, held you

No ocean could put the fire out that burned your soul

My love was the symphony that carried you until you died,

The devil burned the heat, and you were gone before the day was done

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates

To the Future

Life only happens once, do we sit around and wait for the chance to be discovered, the chance the find ourselves? Sometimes an abrupt change in our life happens that forces change, it may hurt, or it may be unexpected, but it forces us to move out of our comfort zone. That is when opportunity arises! This is the time to get out there and find out what is out there in life. There is a world full of possibilities at our grasp, and if we don't grasp them, they will be gone in a blink of an eye.



When my best friend passed away, I felt as if I had lost myself. I was not the person I once was, nor was I going the direction I had intended. Remembering the days we spent together, there was no question of dreams, or limits, but somewhere along the way, all that was lost. What I wouldn't give to talk to him now about the changes in my life.



I got my degree for a reason, to better myself, and my career. To feel more challenged and move forward. The only thing holding me back was myself. Life is not always fair, but who ever said it was?



** When one door closes many more will open, if you allow them to**



We live in a world of evolving change, although it is scary, if you let it overwhelm you, it will consume you, therefor destroying you. Go with it, flow, grow and learn. Allow it to become a strength and apart of your success.



Learn to forgive, but not forget, hate runs deep, as does jealousy and envy. No one is perfect including you. You get one chance at life,



Live

Learn

Love

Remember



Open your eyes to what is in front of you, you never know what the outcome will be, at the least, there will be a lesson, if you allow yourself to learn. - Always Learn. Knowledge holds the key to your mind.



Ask questions, never be afraid ensure accuracy.



Laugh

Love

Dance



Life happens once- take chances, risks, open your eyes, see your opportunities, and live your life, you only get one chance.

Bittersweet

Life, like anything is full of disappointment, things don't always go your way, no matter how hard you work or wish, or study. Sometimes it is just not meant to be. It does not make it hurt any less. But dwelling over something that was never yours to begin with sounds a little silly, right? A dream, a thought, something that never quite materialized. Something you can't quite wrap your brain around. But what if deep down there, there was a little voice telling you this was not your path? Does this mean, that God is telling you to go after what you really wanted? Can anyone say what they really want in life? Some may have their dream of marriage, kids a house with a white picked fence. But is there truly happiness in all of that? Others may have their happiness in money and cars, and fancy clothes. Do they really? What is the foundation of happiness?

I have asked myself many times, is it worth it? I don't know, at least not yet. What do I want, I don't know, and that may have prevented me from taking an important step towards my future. Which brings me back to an earlier point. Was there that voice deep down inside that really did not want that path? There is a path that I have thought about taking, many times in the last year, something I am passionate about, what has stopped me, I cannot say. Fear maybe. Rejection. The first rejection is always the hardest. However, taking this rejection is maybe the step that I needed to head me in the direction I was meant to go. Crazy as that may sound.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend, a friend who understands me better than most, her brother was my best friend, my first and only love, and I watched her grow up. Although the depression and sadness I have felt these last few days have been nothing compared to what she has felt in the last few years, she made me feel better and gave me hope. After talking to her I felt better and felt like I could move forward with my plans for the future. Although she much is younger than me, she is wise for her age, she has had to grow up so fast, and I love her for all that is she and has become. Thank you Paula.

To move forward will be a challenge, as is anything in life, but to sit here and do nothing would be a waste. Life seems to move fast, especially as you grow older, and to make change you must initiate change. No one said life would be easy.

xoxo

Happy Birthday to an Angel that God took to soon

Today is the big 30! It seems like so long ago that we we such young kids figuring out what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

You used to tell me that I was your angel that God sent me to you from up above, I am sorry I couldn't be there to watch over you the last year and half and protect you. You used to sing me that song by shaggy all the time, and now I hear it and cry, but I know that you are flying with the angels because that is the only possible place for someone with as big of a heart as yours to go.

I know you were confused about your life, restless, not sure which way to go, I am sorry I could not give you more guidance. But you like me, danced to your own beat. That's what made us click so well. When I was crazy, you were sane, when you were crazy, I was sane, it just worked like that. We never had to hide anything from each other, and knew what we were thinking before the other could ever say it.

I can't give you anything this year because you are not here, but I can remember you in the way that I and the people who loved you the most did.



I remember all the nights we spent at Gabor's playing pool on that table that you could rig if you slipped the quarter in just right. You introduced me to my first Dirty Martini, and you played "AT Last" by Etta James on the juke box (you knew that was the song I wanted to dance to at my wedding - you used to play it for me when we would fight too, on my voice mail)



All the nights we watched UFC, and you tried, and yes I say tried to teach me the moves, I think I had more fun, and you frustrated, but I learned to love the sport, and I still wear your TAP-OUT hoodie, and you loved that I loved Tito, hmmm he ended up with Jenna Jameson.



Can we say House Music? You used to practice in front of your mirror dancing, and I have to admit, I loved watching you on the dance floor. The moves you and Elmont, Eric and Serge came up with were pretty sick. You and Elmont had your little routines and I loved that everyone knew that we were together, Just Katy and Jose - (don't get me wrong, I had no moves on the dance floor, but I loved telling people I was with you)

All the raves and concerts we went to, the time you literally pushed me up on stage to get Bad Boy Bill's autograph, and I cried, because you knew if I didn't get I would regret it - Freaky Deaky Dance :) Richard Humpty Vission - Shut the Fuck and Dance, I have all the pictures, all the autographs - all made out to us. I will always remember.



You were the first one to point out my brother was gay, or at least make me comes to terms with it, by the way you would be pretty damn proud of him. He misses you too, thank you for opening my eyes,



So many birthdays and holidays we spent together, I remember dancing at a Christmas party with your mom and everyone kept drinking tequila, how I danced, and kept the tequila down I have no idea. But we were happy, your mom was smiling, I think your sister might have been off hiding (sorry Paula you were young, you liked to seclude yourself, but I do remember seeking you liquor), But there was 5 or 6 shots to this or to that before we ate, then we danced.WOW the next morning..... yeah......



Living with Derek, and The VIP room, David - Derek drama, I will cut you bitch, wine tasting,cyngery, X, shopping - you were the only guy that I could shop with, although I stole a lot of your clothes :), some of the nights we just went downtown and found bars that were off the map, but were interesting anyway. it was always an adventure :)



The first Christmas I spent away from my parents, remember how I tried to cook crab and shrimp? DISASTROUS! but it was fun, and you were there, and that was all that mattered.



There are so many memories good and bad, but I choose to remember the good, because that's who you were Jose. I was not your angel as you told me so many times, but you were mine, and I would give anything to talk to you or see you one more time. But I have to know that you are in a better place, you are flying with the angles, as you should be, where you belong. We had our songs that we shared but I am going to give you one more. Because one day I'll be seeing you, we all will and I can't wait.



I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces All day through.



In that small cafe; The park across the way;

The children's carousel; The chestnut trees; The wishin' well.



I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day;

In every thing that's light and gay.

I'll always think of you that way.



I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the moon, But I'll be seeing you.



I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day;

In every thing that's light and gay.

I'll always think of you that way.



I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the moon,

But I'll be seeing you.



-Billie Hollday



Happy Birthday Jose - Rest in Peace

Love you forever

Katy

It's a Spiritual Thing

There was a time when all I needed was the music, the feeling of love, PLUR -Peace, Love, Unity and Respect.



The song that found me at my first RAVE



Everybody's free to feel good

Everybody's free



Brother and sister

Together we'll make it through

Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there

I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out

Whenever I can



Everybody's free to feel good



We are a family that should stand together as one

Helping each other instead of just wasting time

Now is the moment to reach out to someone

It's all up to you

When everyone's sharing their hope

Then love will win through



Everybody's free to feel good

Everybody's free to feel good



The song that struck my soul. Music for me at that time did something for me that nothing else did, it found apart of me that was lost. It found me apart in this world where I belonged for the first time. Even now when I listen to "techno" I still have that feeling, like I said it's a spiritual thing.



I met some of the best people during that time, made some of the best memories, and will never regret one single minute of it. Dancing till the sun came up, felling complete and utter excitement, being around people who loved you. Well maybe it was our Woodstock :)



House music, it is a spiritual thing, it moves you, and it's not just the thump, thump of the beat, it's the blow up and the mix of disco that feels the groove of the dance floor. I will never be able to explain unless you have lived it. Maybe not even then. Maybe you had to live it with us.



It's hard to believe that was ten years ago, some of us are gone. Robert Rest in Peace. Jose I will love you forever, and eve. Eric AKA Gizmo - Love you! Elmont, Montel, Ed, Serge you were my boyz! Then there were my BFF's Derek - You go Girl, you will ALWAYS have my heart! A-Derek, I will cut you bitch, Josh - you lovely thing, David Atencio - all the shit we went through and I love you like a brother.



Don't forget what we had, the bonds we formed and all the nights we DANCED!!!!!!



Brother and sister

Together we'll make it through

Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there

I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out

Whenever I can



xoxo