The Honor of Thy Father

The sunset over the ocean

A tear drop down her cheek

A feeling of lose rolls through her

Deep down inside

Racing through her mind

Yesterday a dream?

One step forward

Out into the never ending blue

The crashing waves promising

Take the pain away

Another drop falls from her wet blue eyes

Her stomach churning

From the reality she denies

Another step forward

The cold touches her feet

Crashing up to her ankles

The numbness, forward she leaps

Aching within, shattering her soul

More tears drop into ocean

Ebb and flow  

Salt mixed with salt

The water skulking up her chest

Was it only yesterday?

It seems like a life time ago

The moon and the crest

The stoning of her beloved

Gone forever, lovers lost

A crime so insignificant, or so it seemed  

One that came at a cost

A life now two that was lost

Now or never

The taste of salt engulfing her mouth

The darkness of the sea shows no mercy

The moon takes over, an eerie glow

She is pulled and obstructed by the cloth covering her head

In and out she fades from the pain

The death is excruciating and slow

The images of her beloved, blood wounded and death

She would have it no other way

He suffered the same fate

They will look for her

They will find her bloated body

Her father will not cry

She has shamed him

To him she will also die

The only disappointment

He wasn’t able to do it himself

For the honor was his

And not hers to take

The Legend of The Blood Moon

Sitting on top of the hill looking down at the city below, she thought she knew everything; she was only twelve
years old. Her eyes glazed over, a joint in her hand; she knew nothing of the world she lived in. Upon the horizon they watched what she thought was a beautiful red moon rise over the city. Just two friends laughing; one of them telling the other The Legend of the Harvest Moon, the other not knowing the nightmare that was about to begin.

On that brisk October night, as the cold sets in around them, the girl listens as she is told about the lunar cycle of the Blood moon and its prediction of death when watching it rise above the city. As the two watched the moon slowly raise the color going from orange to crimson, her thoughts were foggy as she thought to herself about death and how welcome it would be to her tonight. Whatever reason there was something eerie about watching the moon as it cast its shadow over the city, but the girl shrugged it off.

As they started back, she began to wonder where she would go that night, not home. She was a disappointment to her family, drugs had become her life. She was only 12 years old. The consequences of her actions would not become apparent until later in her life. Her thoughts quickly changed to the laughter the two shared at how funny everything suddenly was, the cold no longer bothering either one of them, walking back and talking about life as they reached the arcade.

The evening faded into late night, alcohol and drugs run through her body thoughts of emptiness and sadness invaded her mind.

Flashes of the red moon rising -in and out, the welcome of death, will it be peaceful?

The Vodka flows freely; finding a bottle of aspirin

Washing them down, she knows it was too much, no going back.

The blaze of unconsciousness starting to take over.

Fading in and out of consciousness a song is playing in the background, "...do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once",

Her head hits the wall, is she saying no, that damn song, “Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, It all keeps adding up, I think I’m cracking up, Am I just paranoid, Am I just stoned?” in and out, the punch hits her everything goes black.


Is that light? There appears to be a light at the end of a tunnel. Voices, yes she hears voices, she cannot make them out, muffled, strained, and scared. Her pain is too great to open her eyes, they are so heavy. Dry, why is her mouth so dry? And her throat oh god, it hurts. This is a dream, there was light, a tunnel. There is supposed to be no pain after death. As the fog slowly lifts and the light slips through her eyes she can vaguely see people standing over her. She recognizes the crying of her father, her brother standing over her, where is her mother? This world where she is lying is so hazy, yes this is a dream. She is dead.


Slowing she comes out of the fog, bright luminous lights no longer a tunnel, but a frenzy of nurses and doctors, surrounding her and looking at her with concern, pity, she is not sure. To her side she realizes her father is crying, her brother glaring. There is a part inside of her that is heartbroken at her at her father’s crying, yet she keeps it buried . . . Her Brother just hates her.


As she processes the realization that her attempt was not successful, the questions from the nurses and doctors start. Are they accusations, questions, or concerns? She is still too fucked up to comprehend.

"Do you know that you almost died"?

“You were not breathing when you came in. We had to pump your stomach"

Oh - so that’s the shit in her hair, and the chalky dry sore mouth.

Anger sets in, Anger that she did not succeed, and who the fuck are they to judge? They have no idea of the pain inside her. The darkness, the battle of the souls.

The doctor is he sympathetic, concerned? Concerned that this girl's innocence has been taken from her. How does he tell her?

“Did you have sex?”

“No” - The girl answers, but she can't remember, why can't she open her eye?

The doctor tells her that there is evidence to support a sexual assault.

She feels. . .  Nothing? Looking away from the tears of her parents, the glare of her brother, she does not cry, she cannot process this information. She cannot remember. Her head is in a fog, yet pieces of that fucking song and her head being hit on the headboard and that punch. Did she say no? She will not feel, she will not cry, the vodka still stings her throat and can feel the aspirin go down one by one. What time is it?

Twelve year’s old, innocent, yet living a life to a path of destruction. She has a loving home, a daddy’s girl, parents who would do anything for her. But her heart is frozen to the outside world, damaged, trapped by depression and nowhere to turn but drugs.

The night of The Harvest Moon changed her life forever; for fourteen years she never dealt with the consequences of that night. Her brother standing over her whispering “you’re ruining our family, mom and dad”. her dad crying. The nightmares, continued throughout her life. The question always lingered in her mind . . . Did She Say Yes?

Her question would never be answered.

Nineteen years later, the pain she inflicted on her family always stays with her. The memory of that night will stay in the back of her mind forever, seeing a harvest moon, the song by Greenday, all trigger recollections of the skinhead nicknamed “Cueball” the boys who threw ME out of the car at the emergency room entrance lying to die on the concrete sidewalk.
And he is still walking free.

The Legend of the Blood Moon

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates

Letting Go

A bitterness settles in my heart 

A bottle in my hand

If ever there was a time to let go 

Everything happens for a reason

You have to let it go

Move forward, on

The knots get tighter 

They wrap around my heart

Slowing suffocating my emotions 

Leaving me no choice 

Letting go, it's time to go

Forever is a long time

There is no guarantee

Is the pain worth the suffering 

Say goodbye, letting go

To each other we hold on

The heart slips away

Fading into the darkness 

Wavering slowly, there's nothing left to hold

To each and everyone

It was just to hard

The battle long, the fight to big

It's time to let go 

Left or Right

I live, walk, run and turn

Still the sight of you

Remains

Emotions run through my head

Tears down my cheeks

There is a left and a right

Some would say to take the road less traveled

Others a road well-traveled

One road takes you to your soul

While the other the darkness

A left or a right

Imagines of you pierce my eyes

While your touch fades my grip

Holding on is letting go

Letting go is moving forward

No left or right

No road less traveled

Feel through me, see me

Hold me, don’t let go

You’re already gone, my eyes are closed

Left or right

To you

Or reality 

The Devils Dance

The passion burned alive in the moment, the roads of a different existence

Along we traveled, before the day ended you vanished from this earth

There was nothing that would make the transformation, the angles came

The devil annexed your soul, the soul that was one, together

The road of a diverse path, it’s always darkest before the dawn

You played Russian roulette with your life, you lost

The needle penetrated your arm, bliss filled your mind

Every bag became more deadly, until it closed your eyes forever

Darkness filled your head; the sun would never touch your soul again

The devil danced alongside you, your touch became emotionless, and your head became still

It’s always darkest before the dawn; I had to let you go

You vowed to never leave. I held you as your eyes rolled

I watched as the blackness breathed out of you and the white enter your body

I was alive, the other part dead, I was lost, you were gone

The game you played was a travesty, your life in anguish.

We belonged together; a needle and a bag took the angles that surrounded you

The devils danced, invaded, laughed, lived, circled, held you

No ocean could put the fire out that burned your soul

My love was the symphony that carried you until you died,

The devil burned the heat, and you were gone before the day was done

© 2012 The Random Writings Of Me..Kates

To the Future

Life only happens once, do we sit around and wait for the chance to be discovered, the chance the find ourselves? Sometimes an abrupt change in our life happens that forces change, it may hurt, or it may be unexpected, but it forces us to move out of our comfort zone. That is when opportunity arises! This is the time to get out there and find out what is out there in life. There is a world full of possibilities at our grasp, and if we don't grasp them, they will be gone in a blink of an eye.



When my best friend passed away, I felt as if I had lost myself. I was not the person I once was, nor was I going the direction I had intended. Remembering the days we spent together, there was no question of dreams, or limits, but somewhere along the way, all that was lost. What I wouldn't give to talk to him now about the changes in my life.



I got my degree for a reason, to better myself, and my career. To feel more challenged and move forward. The only thing holding me back was myself. Life is not always fair, but who ever said it was?



** When one door closes many more will open, if you allow them to**



We live in a world of evolving change, although it is scary, if you let it overwhelm you, it will consume you, therefor destroying you. Go with it, flow, grow and learn. Allow it to become a strength and apart of your success.



Learn to forgive, but not forget, hate runs deep, as does jealousy and envy. No one is perfect including you. You get one chance at life,



Live

Learn

Love

Remember



Open your eyes to what is in front of you, you never know what the outcome will be, at the least, there will be a lesson, if you allow yourself to learn. - Always Learn. Knowledge holds the key to your mind.



Ask questions, never be afraid ensure accuracy.



Laugh

Love

Dance



Life happens once- take chances, risks, open your eyes, see your opportunities, and live your life, you only get one chance.

Bittersweet

Life, like anything is full of disappointment, things don't always go your way, no matter how hard you work or wish, or study. Sometimes it is just not meant to be. It does not make it hurt any less. But dwelling over something that was never yours to begin with sounds a little silly, right? A dream, a thought, something that never quite materialized. Something you can't quite wrap your brain around. But what if deep down there, there was a little voice telling you this was not your path? Does this mean, that God is telling you to go after what you really wanted? Can anyone say what they really want in life? Some may have their dream of marriage, kids a house with a white picked fence. But is there truly happiness in all of that? Others may have their happiness in money and cars, and fancy clothes. Do they really? What is the foundation of happiness?

I have asked myself many times, is it worth it? I don't know, at least not yet. What do I want, I don't know, and that may have prevented me from taking an important step towards my future. Which brings me back to an earlier point. Was there that voice deep down inside that really did not want that path? There is a path that I have thought about taking, many times in the last year, something I am passionate about, what has stopped me, I cannot say. Fear maybe. Rejection. The first rejection is always the hardest. However, taking this rejection is maybe the step that I needed to head me in the direction I was meant to go. Crazy as that may sound.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend, a friend who understands me better than most, her brother was my best friend, my first and only love, and I watched her grow up. Although the depression and sadness I have felt these last few days have been nothing compared to what she has felt in the last few years, she made me feel better and gave me hope. After talking to her I felt better and felt like I could move forward with my plans for the future. Although she much is younger than me, she is wise for her age, she has had to grow up so fast, and I love her for all that is she and has become. Thank you Paula.

To move forward will be a challenge, as is anything in life, but to sit here and do nothing would be a waste. Life seems to move fast, especially as you grow older, and to make change you must initiate change. No one said life would be easy.

xoxo