Out Of Life Out Of Mind

To the Future

2011-11-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

Life only happens once, do we sit around and wait for the chance to be discovered, the chance the find ourselves? Sometimes an abrupt change in our life happens that forces change, it may hurt, or it may be unexpected, but it forces us to move out of our comfort zone. That is when opportunity arises! This is the time to get out there and find out what is out there in life. There is a world full of possibilities at our grasp, and if we don't grasp them, they will be gone in a blink of an eye.

When my best friend passed away, I felt as if I had lost myself. I was not the person I once was, nor was I going the direction I had intended. Remembering the days we spent together, there was no question of dreams, or limits, but somewhere along the way, all that was lost. What I wouldn't give to talk to him now about the changes in my life.

I got my degree for a reason, to better myself, and my career. To feel more challenged and move forward. The only thing holding me back was myself. Life is not always fair, but who ever said it was?

** When one door closes many more will open, if you allow them to**

We live in a world of evolving change, although it is scary, if you let it overwhelm you, it will consume you, therefor destroying you. Go with it, flow, grow and learn. Allow it to become a strength and apart of your success.

Learn to forgive, but not forget, hate runs deep, as does jealousy and envy. No one is perfect including you. You get one chance at life,

Live

Learn

Love

Remember

Open your eyes to what is in front of you, you never know what the outcome will be, at the least, there will be a lesson, if you allow yourself to learn. - Always Learn. Knowledge holds the key to your mind.

Ask questions, never be afraid ensure accuracy.

Laugh

Love

Dance

Life happens once- take chances, risks, open your eyes, see your opportunities, and live your life, you only get one chance.

Bittersweet

2011-07-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

Life, like anything is full of disappointment, things don't always go your way, no matter how hard you work or wish, or study. Sometimes it is just not meant to be. It does not make it hurt any less. But dwelling over something that was never yours to begin with sounds a little silly, right? A dream, a thought, something that never quite materialized. Something you can't quite wrap your brain around. But what if deep down there, there was a little voice telling you this was not your path? Does this mean, that God is telling you to go after what you really wanted? Can anyone say what they really want in life? Some may have their dream of marriage, kids a house with a white picked fence. But is there truly happiness in all of that? Others may have their happiness in money and cars, and fancy clothes. Do they really? What is the foundation of happiness?

I have asked myself many times, is it worth it? I don't know, at least not yet. What do I want, I don't know, and that may have prevented me from taking an important step towards my future. Which brings me back to an earlier point. Was there that voice deep down inside that really did not want that path? There is a path that I have thought about taking, many times in the last year, something I am passionate about, what has stopped me, I cannot say. Fear maybe. Rejection. The first rejection is always the hardest. However, taking this rejection is maybe the step that I needed to head me in the direction I was meant to go. Crazy as that may sound.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend, a friend who understands me better than most, her brother was my best friend, my first and only love, and I watched her grow up. Although the depression and sadness I have felt these last few days have been nothing compared to what she has felt in the last few years, she made me feel better and gave me hope. After talking to her I felt better and felt like I could move forward with my plans for the future. Although she much is younger than me, she is wise for her age, she has had to grow up so fast, and I love her for all that is she and has become. Thank you Paula.

To move forward will be a challenge, as is anything in life, but to sit here and do nothing would be a waste. Life seems to move fast, especially as you grow older, and to make change you must initiate change. No one said life would be easy.

xoxo

Happy Birthday to an Angel that God took to soon

2010-12-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the big 30! It seems like so long ago that we we such young kids figuring out what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

You used to tell me that I was your angel that God sent me to you from up above, I am sorry I couldn't be there to watch over you the last year and half and protect you. You used to sing me that song by shaggy all the time, and now I hear it and cry, but I know that you are flying with the angels because that is the only possible place for someone with as big of a heart as yours to go.

I know you were confused about your life, restless, not sure which way to go, I am sorry I could not give you more guidance. But you like me, danced to your own beat. That's what made us click so well. When I was crazy, you were sane, when you were crazy, I was sane, it just worked like that. We never had to hide anything from each other, and knew what we were thinking before the other could ever say it.

I can't give you anything this year because you are not here, but I can remember you in the way that I and the people who loved you the most did.

I remember all the nights we spent at Gabor's playing pool on that table that you could rig if you slipped the quarter in just right. You introduced me to my first Dirty Martini, and you played "AT Last" by Etta James on the juke box (you knew that was the song I wanted to dance to at my wedding - you used to play it for me when we would fight too, on my voice mail)

All the nights we watched UFC, and you tried, and yes I say tried to teach me the moves, I think I had more fun, and you frustrated, but I learned to love the sport, and I still wear your TAP-OUT hoodie, and you loved that I loved Tito, hmmm he ended up with Jenna Jameson.

Can we say House Music? You used to practice in front of your mirror dancing, and I have to admit, I loved watching you on the dance floor. The moves you and Elmont, Eric and Serge came up with were pretty sick. You and Elmont had your little routines and I loved that everyone knew that we were together, Just Katy and Jose - (don't get me wrong, I had no moves on the dance floor, but I loved telling people I was with you)

All the raves and concerts we went to, the time you literally pushed me up on stage to get Bad Boy Bill's autograph, and I cried, because you knew if I didn't get I would regret it - Freaky Deaky Dance :) Richard Humpty Vission - Shut the Fuck and Dance, I have all the pictures, all the autographs - all made out to us. I will always remember.

You were the first one to point out my brother was gay, or at least make me comes to terms with it, by the way you would be pretty damn proud of him. He misses you too, thank you for opening my eyes,

So many birthdays and holidays we spent together, I remember dancing at a Christmas party with your mom and everyone kept drinking tequila, how I danced, and kept the tequila down I have no idea. But we were happy, your mom was smiling, I think your sister might have been off hiding (sorry Paula you were young, you liked to seclude yourself, but I do remember seeking you liquor), But there was 5 or 6 shots to this or to that before we ate, then we danced.WOW the next morning..... yeah......

Living with Derek, and The VIP room, David - Derek drama, I will cut you bitch, wine tasting,cyngery, X, shopping - you were the only guy that I could shop with, although I stole a lot of your clothes :), some of the nights we just went downtown and found bars that were off the map, but were interesting anyway. it was always an adventure :)

The first Christmas I spent away from my parents, remember how I tried to cook crab and shrimp? DISASTROUS! but it was fun, and you were there, and that was all that mattered.

There are so many memories good and bad, but I choose to remember the good, because that's who you were Jose. I was not your angel as you told me so many times, but you were mine, and I would give anything to talk to you or see you one more time. But I have to know that you are in a better place, you are flying with the angles, as you should be, where you belong. We had our songs that we shared but I am going to give you one more. Because one day I'll be seeing you, we all will and I can't wait.

I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces All day through.

In that small cafe; The park across the way;

The children's carousel; The chestnut trees; The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day;

In every thing that's light and gay.

I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the moon, But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day;

In every thing that's light and gay.

I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the moon,

But I'll be seeing you.

-Billie Hollday

Happy Birthday Jose - Rest in Peace

Love you forever

Katy

It's a Spiritual Thing

2010-12-06T18:41:00.001-08:00

There was a time when all I needed was the music, the feeling of love, PLUR -Peace, Love, Unity and Respect.

The song that found me at my first RAVE

Everybody's free to feel good

Everybody's free

Brother and sister

Together we'll make it through

Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there

I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out

Whenever I can

Everybody's free to feel good

We are a family that should stand together as one

Helping each other instead of just wasting time

Now is the moment to reach out to someone

It's all up to you

When everyone's sharing their hope

Then love will win through

Everybody's free to feel good

Everybody's free to feel good

The song that struck my soul. Music for me at that time did something for me that nothing else did, it found apart of me that was lost. It found me apart in this world where I belonged for the first time. Even now when I listen to "techno" I still have that feeling, like I said it's a spiritual thing.

I met some of the best people during that time, made some of the best memories, and will never regret one single minute of it. Dancing till the sun came up, felling complete and utter excitement, being around people who loved you. Well maybe it was our Woodstock :)

House music, it is a spiritual thing, it moves you, and it's not just the thump, thump of the beat, it's the blow up and the mix of disco that feels the groove of the dance floor. I will never be able to explain unless you have lived it. Maybe not even then. Maybe you had to live it with us.

It's hard to believe that was ten years ago, some of us are gone. Robert Rest in Peace. Jose I will love you forever, and eve. Eric AKA Gizmo - Love you! Elmont, Montel, Ed, Serge you were my boyz! Then there were my BFF's Derek - You go Girl, you will ALWAYS have my heart! A-Derek, I will cut you bitch, Josh - you lovely thing, David Atencio - all the shit we went through and I love you like a brother.

Don't forget what we had, the bonds we formed and all the nights we DANCED!!!!!!

Brother and sister

Together we'll make it through

Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there

I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out

Whenever I can

xoxo

New Milestones, Never forget where you came from

2010-12-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

I am graduating college next month, a mile stone it has taken me 10 years to accomplish. I should be excited, and I should be proud, but so much is drawing me to my past, and reminding me to not forget where I came from. I know the person I am now, and it is most definitely not the person I was ten years ago. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing. Did I turn into the person that I wanted to become today? Or am I hiding behind my fears of the potential I know I have. I lost someone very close to me, recently and it has made me think a lot about who I have become. It has made me think about my dreams and goals and the things I have given up, and some of the ways I have become selfish. What would he think if he knew me now. I know what he thought, and that is one of the things that hurts the most. In some ways I have lost touch with the free spirited person that I was, the person who marched to their own beat. I have molded myself into expectations of what the norm should be, and that was never me.

In this next milestone in my life, my next chapter, I am going to live my life the way that I know I am supposed to live it, the way that I know how to be happy. I am not going to try to live to your standards, or your expectations. I am who I am. And it has taken a few good friends in the last few weeks to remind me of that. I am not some image for you to compare, or for you to judge, I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I have lived life in many ways, and in the last few years I have stopped living it.

I guess what I am trying to say is it is important to move forward, but to never forget where you came from, and never forget the people who have been there along the way. There are only so many people you can count as real friends. Hold on to those ones and never forget them, because you don't know when they will be gone.

XOXO

Elixir of Forever

2010-10-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

An elixir of red, mixed with the pills of hardship

wasting away, laying and crying

running down your body, breathing slowing

falling asleep

An elixir - so strong

The smell of lavender surrounds and overcomes the room

Patience, Patience my friend, soon.

Close your eyes, sleep my darling, the pain is soon fading and you will wake no more

The tears dry, the breath slow, the eyes close

The elixir overcomes the body now and forever

To Remember

2009-04-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

To remember is like bringing back the pain,
To think is like living it all over again,
To breath is the gulp of blood that pools in your mouth,
To hurt is the only way to live, to survive.
To cause pain on yourself is the only way to cope,
Then it becomes addictive and you can't stop.

Remember the days of long ago, when all was well and life was simple.
Remember the laughter of all that was, all that is.... the innocence.

To drink away the pain that lays in your heart,
To cut away the anger that rages inside.

Do you remember?

When No One Was There

2009-03-13T15:14:00.001-07:00

When no one was there, I went away and I never came back quite the same.
When no one was looking it was all I could do to keep from hurting myself, but you weren't there, you didn't even care.
When I was alone all I could do is cry, for nothing is the same, or ever will be again.
You kept on moving and left me alone, and I was alone, left in my own remorse too embarrassed and ashamed to even try.
When I picked myself up and finally was ready to face life again, you came back and kicked me right down again. Then I was there, by myself and crying.
How can I face my pain if you are always looking over my shoulder? You're not there, no one is there. You disappear when I need you most.
I am left alone, ready to cry, to breakdown to loose my own sense of self.
When no one was there, I left again, and this time there may not be a next time.
No one is there and I no longer care.

The Shack

2009-02-13T20:07:00.001-08:00

I am not sure how a lot of you feel about religion. I myself am a believer and have been for quite some time, but I won't go into my story. I will however tell you about the book I just read "The Shack". It was one of the most emotional, eye opening books I have ever read and it confirmed my faith even more. If you are going to read a book read this book, even if you are not a believer. It gives a perspective on religion that I myself have never experienced. The theme in the book is pretty complex, although you don't have to know the bible or God to relate to it, You just have to be human. The Shack dives into a lot of questions I have in life, and I am sure a lot of you have as well. It gives a spin on how things should be (this is not religiously speaking). I don't want to give away the book, I think you should read it right now, it took me only 5 hours! But to give you an understanding it's about a family who's daughter is abducted by a serial killer. The father deals with issues in relation to God and good vs evil and such. Then the book focuses on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, it goes into a whole new prescriptive of what God thinks and feels about human kind.
I know this may not appeal to some of you, but if you do decide to read the book I guarantee you will not be disappointed. It is about religion, but in a way that is not common knowledge. So that's why I say even if you are a non believer this is a good book. It defiantly changed the way I look at things. You can go to http://www.theshackbook.com to find out a little bit more and then decide if you want to read it. I highly recommend it. And for those of you that know me well know I am a total book worm, and would never tell you to read a book I didn't think was worthy, let alone blog about it. In fact this is the first book I have blogged about, so it must be worthy. READ IT!
Again find it at http://www.theshackbook.com
xoxo

Success

2008-12-09T18:14:00.001-08:00

Success is waking up
In the morning, whoever you are,
wherever you are,
However old or young,
and bounding out of bed because
there's something out there that
you love to do, that you believe in,
that your good at-
something that's bigger than you are,
and you can hardly wait to
get at it again today.

- Whit Hobbs

Live your life

2008-11-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is today
Live your life as you never begun,
Tomorrow is gone,
You have a fresh start,
Every day is a new day.
You have the power to make the most of it.
Tomorrow may never come,
but live for today
clear your head,
relax for the moment,
Live,
Live. now
You have one chance,
Use it confidently
make the most of it.
you never know what may come.
You only have one chance
use it wisely
Give it a chance
fight your battles
Only the the ones that are worth fighting for.
Your life, your dreams
conquer the bad
grow from the past,
Live for today
Grow as you never have before
Happiness grows form the heart,
Be cautious
Don't give your heart fully, at least not at first.
You have one chance
What are you going to do with it
LIVE,
LIVE.
Live your life
today is gone,
tomorrow is here
GROW
LIVE
Learn
Give.

One Step Further

2008-11-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

Do more than exist: Live

Do more than touch: Feel

Do more than look: Observe

Do more than read: Absorb

Do more than hear: Listen

Do more than listen: Understand

Do more than think: Reflect

Do more than just talk: Say Something

- Author Unknown

The Release

2008-11-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

Drop the bottle
Leave the pain behind,
Drink the poison
That got you there in the first place,
Win the game,
Play the game,
Drink the bottle,
It will all go away,
The release,
gain the respect
you deserve
gain the respect you lost,
Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind
The release
The closure,
It's all in front of your face,
Wake to the Wake morning call
Wake like you never have before.
The release
All so different, yet so the same.
Tee release take it or leave it
it's all your choice.
Take the chance
Take the release

Every Body's Got Their Something

2008-10-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Love
Compassion
Hate
Rage
Envy
Jealousy
Cheater
Friend
Enemy
Lover
Regret
Forgiveness
Drama
Truth
Willpower

Every body's got their something

Ribbons

2008-10-27T02:06:00.000-07:00

The ribbons wrap my body,
so tight,
The mask I wear
It hides my fate.
I look to sky and wonder,
should I let the ribbons run free?
Should I release the mask that holds my destiny?
Red, blue, gold and white
They flow so freely
like a bird with might.
The mask I wear is tight on my face,
It covers my self and my fate.
Dare to let loose, dare to try,
The feelings of loss is to much to bear.
For now I let the ribbons slowly run free,
But they stay tight on me,
The mask will someday come off,
I will be as I was meant to be.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

2008-10-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

The dreamer,
The believer,
The ultimate reliever,

Dream a little dream of me.

The life,
The savior,
Dream the impossible,
Live for the moment,
Unleash the anger

Dream a little dream for me

Live for the moment
Learn from the past,
Dream for the future
Ask for the impossible
Live for the goal,

Dream a little dream of me

Conspirator

2008-10-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

The pill popper,
The beer drinker,
The wine cracker,
the vodka slammer,

The common denominator
The binge eliminator

The high, the drunk
enough is enough
is it ever enough?

The crying child,
The adult conspirator
living a lie,
Believing the truth.

The pill you pop makes it all go away,
The beer you slam, passes you out
The wine you crack, it's all in your head.
The vodka goes down easy, too easy

The original addict
The act is surreal
wasting away
far away.

To far gone to come back

Let the Days Go by

2008-10-20T17:18:00.001-07:00

It should have been you
You let the days go by
You let my tears run dry
It must be a dream,
It must be real
I can feel the pain
You are here
You are gone
You let the days go by
I could have changed
But, could I have changed for you?
I am never alone
I am alone all the time
I live by the day
You live by the dream
Is this reality
Is it a dream?
Do you lie
I tell the truth
You had a beautiful tastes
You have a wicked way
You let the days go by
I felt the truth
I felt the reality
In you.
I needed you more
You needed me
I can see you for what you are
The days are far and few between
It is not my time to wonder why.

The Way it is

2008-10-20T17:15:00.001-07:00

The mountains touch the sky,
The rain falls upon her face,
Seeing but never believing
Dyeing but never living
A shell that is all she is
Living a life that was not meant to be
Walking a line that stretches to the limit
How much longer can she go on
How much longer can she face the pain

She watches the stars, the cloud cover
The majestic of the mountain top
She watches the mountain reach to the sky,
She lets the raindrops fall on her face
To wash away the tears.

To live in silence
To live alone
For her the mountain will never touch the sky
For her time will come to die.

I Remember

2008-10-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

I remember the promises you made
The priority you made me
I remember The gentle kisses
The love that we once shared
I remember all the times we spent together
The good and the bad
I remember the calls I received from you
promising to never go away.
Then you told me you can't wait
and you told me the chemistry wasn't there
It wasn't there for me either that one faithful night
It doesn't make it hurt it any less.
You pushed me to be the best I could be
You were my rock, my dependably
Then you left, you were gone.
Well guess what?
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you for the promises you made,
Fuck you for the love that you gave
The promises you can't keep.
Now all I have is the memories
I try to think of the bad
so much easier than the good
It makes me miss you less
and it makes the pain go away.
The pills they only help so much
The memory of you is enough to turn my heart upside down.
Then only words I have for you is the words o FUCK YOU!
You moved away, you said you cared
Not so long ago you missed my touch,
Now the choice is yours and one day I hope you live to reget it.
I was willing to wait, I was willing to be there,
That is where we didn't see eye to eye
I am moving on, I am going to pick myself up,
and one day, just one day I will be me
I will let the pain subside, I will let it go free
Somehow it gets easier everyday.
The call will come when I am ready tp accept the pain I feel deep in my heart.
Just remember, because I remember
The day of yesterday are gone.
There is no tomorrow
there is no next time,
For right now all I can say is FUCK YOU!
No apologies, no excuses,no regrets,
You shaped me to be the person I am today.
For that I will always be grateful,
But the advantage you took of me
is to much to bear,
a project that is all I was,
never did you see as one that was forever.
Fuck you for your lies,
Fuck you for your privileged life,
and Fuck you for not being there
Anymore.

It doesn't matter anymore

2008-10-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

The pain, the gain
The hurt the game,
All in one, it's all the same.
You give your life to someone
They take it away.
Nothing seems better than the thought of pain.
They say good by, you move on,
You live your life as if nothing is wrong.
your heart aches, one day it will ache no more.
You thought you were over it,
You thought you thought wrong.
You will move on, you will gain the respect
You deserve the respect,
nothing will hold you back.
The moon shines bright, the stars, shine in your face.
please give me the strength I need tonight.
love tomorrow, live today, it doesen't take the pain away.
Sleep my daring, let it all go,
Let the pain subside today.

Wish Upon A Falling Star

2008-10-10T20:17:00.001-07:00

Star light, star bright, I don't see a star tonight
The moon is shining the clouds they cover
The stars that shine so bright
Wish upon a falling star
Wish so hard, you might just win.
Star light, star bright, wish upon this wish I wish tonight
There will be no wishes, there will be no promises,
the stars are not out tonight.

The Rain

2008-10-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

I listen as it drops on my window so soothing, so calm.
I feel the intensity of the drops that fall,
I feel he warmth of the soothing calmness,
My window open, my blankets on
The comfort it it beings to my heart,
The fall has come, the fall is here
My memories of the past,
A distant memory of what once was.
There is no turning back, because thats what it is a memory.
The fog that rolls in, and I think of the times that once were.
Oh the rain, it comforts me to know end.
The pain that I feel the pain that endures my heart
The rain
The rain.
Falling out of the sky.
The coldness that evades my heart, the once upon on a time.
The rain,
The rain.
We feel the drops ever so softly upon our faces and look to heavens of god
The beauty, mixed with an emotion so deep.
The life we are to live
The life we are living.
The soothing of the rain
So deep so reflective
The rain,
The rain.

Who Knew

2008-10-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have a song that touches you and you can't get it out of your head, It says all there is to say about what you are going through right now. I just had someone that I thought I was in love with move away, and we promised we would keep in touch, talk and see each other as much as we could. But that time turned into days, then into weeks and now into months. It has taken me a while to get to a point to where I could be ok with it, and I know that if I see him the feelings will all come flooding back to me and it will take me that much longer to get over him. So for my own sanity I will never see him again... Completely my choice, not his. You never know what you truly had until it's gone. So I am posting this song by Pink, Who Knew because it totally says my feelings right now.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Just remember to count your blessings because once it's gone it's gone. People move on and eventually I'll get over it. It's just easier to cut the cord......

XOXO

One Day

2008-09-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

One day it will all come together,
One day I will live as one, as whole
As tomorrow comes and tomorrow brings in promises
As I live today I will find my moment, my moment in time
One day, song will come to me, the music will play
Someday when the world is cold you be be thinking of me,
Someday when I look upon a star, I will see you, standing above me
One day, someday life will be as it should, in another world, in another day
You'll be thinking of me and the world will be as it should.

xoxo

Simply

2008-09-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Simply, maybe things are impossible, ever so untouchable,
Simply, maybe one day you will hear me sing that impossible song.
One day the world will look upon you and say you'll meet someone better.
Simply,
Maybe,
I stumbled upon you most accidentally
and fell a million miles
down into that impossible road.
Simply
Maybe
You'll look around that corner and see something better
And then you'll think whatever.
Maybe
then you'll forget that stupid song.
that you once sang.......
Simply,
Maybe
it will be a distant memory and you'll get on....
you're friends will say whatever, you can do so much better
and you'll get on.
Simply
Maybe

Everybody’s Free to Feel Good

2008-05-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

Brothers and sisters together we make it last
Someday our wishes will come true
I know you’re afraid
Well I am too
Together we’ll make it through

Because everybody’s free to feel good
Everybody’s free to feel good

Together we’ll love till the end of time
Together we’ll make it through
Life takes its turns
Tomorrow is a new day
Live for the moment
Live in time.

Because everybody’s free to feel good
Everybody’s free to feel good

Rest your heart against mine
Remember I will love you until the end of time
Together we will make it through
Nothing can take you away from me.

Together we will watch the sunrise
Together we’ll make it through
You’ll never be far away from me
So far is everyone else.
It’s just you and me.

Because everybody’s free to feel good
Everybody’s free to feel good

Tomorrow is today,
Forever we’ll make it last
Baby it’s just you and me
Just you and me

We are free to feel good,

Drop the Beat

2008-05-06T16:58:00.001-07:00

The music drops the beats
Your hand touches my body
I am falling for you

My head spins, the beats keeps dropping
The music keeps playing
My feet keep moving
I am falling for you.

Like a drug, you take my mind away
I can feel you
I can feel the music dropping the beat.

You say you need me,
You say you want me
Feel the music
Feel my body
Baby I am falling for you.

Drop the beat,
Feel my soul
Touch me baby
I am all yours

I Keep Breathing

2008-05-06T16:57:00.001-07:00

The sensation of you slides slowly down my body,
The feel of your touch sends tingles down my frame,
Slowly your tongue touches my skin
Crying out for you
Waiting
To feel you

I keep breathing
I keep breathing.

Your touch like a fine wine,
Your kiss so deep so receptive
The caress of your hand against my heart.
So fast it beats, anticipating you.
Inside of me.

I keep breathing
I keep breathing

Waiting just one more minute,
Waiting to feel you.
Keep breathing,
Keep feeling
You.

I keep breathing, I keep breathing
Feeling your breath near my ear,
So deep, so sweet.

You bring me everything
Nothing short of pure ecstasy.

I keep breathing for you.

To You,

2008-04-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

I love you, I always will,
You make me want to be a better person,
You have made me a better person.
Without you in my life,
It would have not been complete.
You taught me to see the world in a light
I never would have dreamed of before.

They said we were all wrong,
What did they ever know about you and me?
They said we never stood a chance,
It is over now, but there is nothing I regret about you.

There is nothing I would take back between you and me.
You taught me so much in the time we shared,
I know we will both move on,
I know we will find someone else,
But the thought of you
The impact you have had on my life will never be forgotten.

There were times when I doubted the feelings I felt inside,
Now if I had one more day, just one
I would not waste it on not telling you how much you mean to me
And always have and always will.

You have been the core of my soul,
My rock, when I was weak,
My best friend, when no one else was.

You shaped me into a person I am proud to be.
You did this for me.

There will never be enough ways to thank you
For all you have done,
For being you.

The Memory

2008-04-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

The wind blows gently in her hair,
She can feel the tears dripping down her face,
Her eyes close; she lets the wind caress her face,
She lets the wind wipe away her tears.

He is never coming back; He has left forever,
No more sweet kisses, no more long hugs,
Just the memory of yesterday,
The memory of precious sweet nothings
The memory of time-shared so sweetly between the two.

There is only the memory of you and me.
The tears fall gently down her face,
The wind blows her hair,
She stares out at the sea
She cries, for there is nothing left to do,
For there was no goodbye.

Life is Never What it seems

2008-04-08T03:23:00.001-07:00

Lost love new changes,
The beating of my heart,
So fast, so scared,
Life is never what it seems,
Day by day I walk the shadows of my past,
Day by day I wonder into a state of oblivion.

Life is never what it seems.

There are some that go along their way,
Always smiling, always caring,
What is wrong that I see is the dark side of my reality?

Life is never what it seems.

My thoughts carry so deep,
Of a time that once was,
My thoughts live in my memory
Haunting a life, I could have had.
My heart beats fast, my mind races
I can barley feel what is deep inside,
For is there anything left?

Life is never what it seems.

Walking alone, feeling despair,
Seeing but not really feeling,
The motions around me seem to drift on and on
The life is surreal, is it really there?

Life is never what it seems.

So I Say

2008-03-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Looking back on all the time
Looking back at me and you,
and all that we have gone through.
You want something I do not have the heart to give
You want something that compromises myself.

I messed up and broke you down,
You hurt me too; you left when I needed you the most
So I say my emotions are out for grabs,
So you say we need some time.

What about the times you hurt me?
What about the times I forgave you?
I lose control one night and suddenly you cannot handle it?

I never cheated on you; I never broke your heart,
Your heart is made of stone,
I commend the person who can finally get through to you.

So I say this is not going to work,
You tell me I cannot let go of pasts,
Yet you hold me to one night of pure emotional breakdown.

You tell me I am not the person I once was,
You tell me I don’t appreciate you or the things you do.

Is that what’s it’s all about?
Matching dollar for dollar
when you know I don’t have the money?

When you say you care,
Do you really mean it or is it just something to say.
Once you cared, once you loved me.

It got to hard, the emotions ran dry,
The tears no longer watered my eyes.

So I say FUCK YOU!
For all that you do,
For the grudges you hold,
The way you make me feel
Worthless.

FUCK YOU
Our foundation broke long ago,
The cracks breaking into pieces.

So I say, I am done.
No more tears,
No more pain,
No more trying for you.

So I say.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

So You Say

2008-03-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Can people who have dated really be just friends and then add in the factor of "friends with benefits?" Is it possible to set your romantic feelings aside or say lets see how things go for a while, I am not ready for anything in the short term, meaning six to nine months. Can you really do that?

So you say we are just friends, just friends and that I don’t want to start over with anyone else, I just want to be with you but I cannot date you right now. What the hell does that mean? Yes, it is true there can/was an altering emotional event that was compared to cheating or being hit (which by the way was neither), yes true one person had a complete emotional breakdown and the other decided they could not take it anymore. So where do you draw the line?

How can feelings just be gone, yes I understand the scarred part and even the part of you that does not want to deal with it anymore. However, how can you go to being just friends and then friends with benefits? If you truly do not have feelings for this person anymore, why would you want to continue the intimacy? Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and if it has been there for quite some time, you cannot go back to being just friends.

One person in the relationship is scared and doesn’t want to let go, I do not think either one of them wants to let go, so where is the line actually drawn? Can you draw a line here? There is no clear answer for this, is there?

So you say when things get rough, it’s time to throw in the towel and move on, yet you do not, you choose of your own being to stay and to not see other people. You choose to stay and be there, so you say.

Life changes people, it comes and it goes, one person touches you so deeply that it is hard to let go, you cannot forget the touch, the smell, the whole being of that person. The saddest part is that person is your best friend, and then it all changes. It changes to a point that your heart hurts, and your head screams, WHAT AM I DOING? You know exactly what you are doing and most likely will know the outcome, or maybe not.

Trying to be OK with a new situation is very hard, yet you know that you have a lot to make up for; this is your fault you know. If only, you can never say, if only. It happened, and it happened for a reason. We all know this to be true, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. No one knows what is going to happen 2 hours, 10days, or 6 months from now. However, what you do and what you say can shape what will happen in the future. If it is your actions that put you there, you need to take responsibility.

So you say this is how it’s going to be for a while, so you say this is all you can deal with, so you say I don’t want to date anyone else, so you say can you deal with this?

So what do I say?

Human

2008-03-08T07:39:00.001-08:00

Come on baby dry your eyes,

Hurting you is the last thing I wanted.

You left, I needed to fill the void in my heart.

I would never to try to hurt you,

I just want to be with you.

I’m only human, born to make mistakes.

I long to hold you at night,

Hear your voice in my ear.

Kiss me in the morning

Kiss me goodnight.

Hurting you has hurt me,

Please baby dry your eyes.

Come back to me.

I’m only human, born to make mistakes.

Lying awake at night thinking about you

You used to lye beside me,

I would turn around and there you were

Holding you close,

Never will I let go again.

I’m only human, born to make mistakes

Some mistakes can’t be fixed.

I’m sorry baby.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Gone is the Angel

2008-03-08T07:38:00.001-08:00

You came into my life,

I was watching you from afar

My angel, my shining star

You didn’t know it yet,

But you would become the light of my life

The whole existence of my being.

My life revolved around nothingness

It became unclear,

Until I met you.

Suddenly life was worth living

It had a purpose.

Then one day you were gone,

My life shattered,

My angel left my side.

The pain became to hard to handle

I found you in the bathtub

Blood everywhere,

A bottle of pills beside you on the ledge.

A note,

I love you my dear,

I always have,

I may not be here in body

I will live inside your heart.

Forever.

You will manage; you are stronger than me,

The voices became too much, the pain to hard to bear.

My love, my angel,

Do not forget

Love,

I cried for days,

Knowing my shining star was gone,

Am I stronger than her, than my angel?

Forget never

Love again

Never.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Last breath

2008-03-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

One more bottle, one more pill,

One more breath,

One last look.

The world is to rigid,

The past to deep,

Far too much to see

Too many tears fall.

One last breath

Her eyes close,

The pain is gone

The bottle empty.

She does not call,

This time it is the end.

There is no tomorrow

This is the end.

© 2008 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Al Mio Amore (To My Love)

2008-02-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

The sun washes upon your face
Ever so gracefully, your hand reaches my heart

Amerò sempre
(I will always love)
Il vostro amore è per sempre miniera
(your love is forever mine)

When I gaze at you,
I see the stars in your eyes,
I would walk a million miles to feel your gentle touch.

Il Mio Amore
(My love)
Il Mio Amore
(My Love)

When the flowers gaze at you,
Their beauty falls upon your soul,
Nothing compares to Il Mio Amore

The language of love is spoken from your lips
So Sweet, So Tender.
Falling upon my heart.

Il Mio Amore
(My love)
Il Mio Amore
(My Love)

You wash away the pain,
Gentle as you are

il vostro cuore tocca mine
(your heart touches mine)

You take my breath away.

Il Mio Amore
(My love)

Ms. Madam

2008-02-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

She wears her pearls around her neck,

The diamonds on her fingers,

Ms. Madam.

Everyday a routine,

Never changing,

Putting on her evening gown

Making up her face.

The image in the mirror is not what it once was

Elle est mme. immobile Madame.

Her fingers twisted with arthritis,

The lines across her face.

The beauty fading through the mirror,

Not fading in Ms. Madam's eyes

Pour l'amour de Ms. Madam

la volonté ne se fanent jamais

She lives her life in a dream

Wearing her pearls and her diamonds

Dressing in her gown,

Waiting for her prince

Making up her face,

Sitting on her couch

sipping son champagne

Semblables de Madame de mme. vivront dessus

Ms. Madam

Rêve rêveur de l'OH

Washed Away

2008-02-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

She walks, the waves wash along her feet

Up to her ankles

The water so cold

It will be over soon

Deeper she walks,letting the ocean wash over her feet

Into the waves

Up to her torso

Up the her neck,

She lays on her back, the coldness

Washes over her broken body

She closes her eyes, the colness penetrates

Thinking back to her childhood,

When everything was so easy,

So pure, so innocent

Long gone are the days of old,

Her heart is filled with pain,

The waves crash over her broken body,

The numbness sets in, the cold no longer fills her veins,

Her body is engaged in the waves of time

Deeper she floats; the pain washes away the grief.

The water washes over her,

The moon shines above.

Her eyes close one last time,

No longer she feels the pain,

No longer the suffering

Washed away by the waves covering her body.

They find her the next day,

Bloated and soulless

Eyes wide open,

Vacant and cold.

Washed ashore by the hands of death,

No motive, no letter,

Just a goodbye of a woman who once was.

So beautiful, no one understands

The mystery of her death will remain her secret.

and her s alone

Too late to say goodbye,

Always to remember

Of the girl who once was.

Tomorrow will never come for her,

Tomorrow is too late,

Yesterday is gone,

No goodbyes

No closure

She is gone.

Forever.

Broken Will

2008-02-15T19:33:00.001-08:00

When your will is broken and your heart is gone,
You seek to find the strength inside
Feel my body run cold
There is nothing between the eyes you once held.

You don’t know what it takes to be me,
You don’t know the inside of me.

Your body so close, ripped away
Now it has gone,
Walk beside me, walk away
Leave me be, let me stay.

You don’t know what it takes to be me,
You don’t know the inside of me.

So torn between reality and oblivion
Walking slowing to my tune
Seeing nothing, see you
Falling to the light
Then becomes dark.

Will you ever see the inside of me?
Will you ever know what it takes to be me?

Set me free, let me heal
Give me the will
To move forward to see
What it takes to be me.

Now I lay me Down to Sleep

2008-02-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to keep

The pain flows deeply, running down my ankle,

Mental state oblivion

I don’t care I can’t sleep

The meds kick in, the pain so deep

The words cannot explain.

I cannot go back to yesterday,

Yesterday is a faint memory

My life is fragile the pain runs deep,

The emotional state has changed.

One flick of a razor, my feelings speak no longer.

Do I speak out, not today, maybe not ever?

The pain a reminder of what is, what was?

Reminding me every day, to get through the day

Day by day state of emotional distress.

Comforting of days to come.

State of psychosis, will they know?

I live, I deal, I must go on,

Today tomorrow, maybe sooner than later.

Around and around my thought they go

I close my eyes; I take a deep breath, sleep it comes and goes.

Rest my friend you will see tomorrow.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep if I die before I wake I

pray the lord my soul to keep

Thought for the day

2008-02-14T21:19:00.000-08:00

Feel the fragrant breezes of twilight drink deeply of your anxiesties and lift you into sleep - Daisy Seal

DId You Know?

2007-12-12T20:51:00.001-08:00

Last night in my business class, we watched this video and it had such a profound effect on me, I feel like I have to share. PLEASE WATCH THE ENTIRE VIDEO! You will be surprised by the world in which we are evolving. It is scary, it is interesting, but most of all it is reality. Change is inevitable, it will happen, and the question is how we will as America progress and adapt to this change. Think back a long time ago, cars were a mystery to people, a new thing, but now we look at them as normal in our society, something we almost can't live without. There are many changes and ideas that were unthinkable yers ago. Please watch, I think you will be as amazed I was.

Talking Over Me and You

2007-12-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

If you knew my story, if you knew all about me,

If I told you things, you did not see,

Would go home with me?

If you knew all about it would it change a thing?

I have been there before, always seeing more. Yes, I would go home with you. I see your face, the face that’s looking right back at me,

Will you take a chance on me?

We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.

The lights are getting dim; I see your face,

Looking right back at me, everyone is leaving

All that is left is me and you.

I can see the moonlight, drink your beer, stick around with me and we can finish this anywhere, the night is young, and so are we.

We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.

Now that you know all there is,

Do you see the reality?

I can look over at you and watch you just for a while.

I can see you and I see me, the sun is coming up and your still here.

We can be together, you and me.

We don’t care what they say and we don’t care what they think

Does it really matter? The only thing that matters is talking over me and you.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Where did I go Wrong?

2007-12-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

Where did I go wrong?
The nights, the days, they all roll together as one.
You were there; I was lost in your eyes, your touch.

Now you’re gone.
Where did I go wrong?

I fell, I fell hard.
I loved, loved like I haven’t loved in along time.
You cared; you were there, my best friend, my lover.

Now you’re gone,
Where did I go wrong?

All the tears cried, all the days they just pass by.
In everything I see, and everything I do, I see you.
Somehow I thought you would be there, by my side.

No longer, not now, you’re gone.
Where did I go wrong?

Moonlight Dancing

2007-12-06T18:52:00.001-08:00

Dancing in the moonlight
Under a star filled night,

With you

Baby, feel my touch,
Grab my hand, pull me close

to
you.

Dancing in the moonlight,
Gazing at the stars tonight

These summer dreams make me feel right,
Feeling the breeze caresses my shoulders, sending shivers down my body,
Feeling the midnight dew from the grass on my feet,

Smiling at you.

Dancing in the moonlight,
In my white dress with you,
It all seems so right.
Shadows from the moon,
Kisses from the stars,

Summer dreams,
moonlight dances,
star filled nights

Dreaming of you.

Dancing in the moonlight.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Baby Steps

2007-12-05T21:32:00.001-08:00

Let me begin this post by saying my life is so different from what is was a year ago. I have a new job and am back in school. Last year my new year’s resolutions were just that, so it is a big accomplishment that I have met those two goals in my life. I had a few people who really helped me get to where I am now, and I thank them dearly. Unfortunately one of them is no longer in my life and it saddens me because that person was a large factor in encouraging me to be a better person and always supporting me to achieve better things for myself in life. It is what it is and I can only be grateful for what they have done for me, even though they are gone.

Last night I started my second class with a new professor, and I received the biggest complement that really made me think about my life. He told me that I had charisma and that in ten years someone was going to ask me how I got to where I will am. Now if you know me, you know that one of my biggest challenges is communication, when I told my professor that he laughed, so did the rest of my class. You see one of my goals is to be a better speaker and communicator. I need to conquer my fear of rejection and just say and do what needs to be said and done. So what if it's not what the other person feels or agrees with. Again I reflect back to a year ago, and there is no way in hell that I would have got up in front of a class and actually talked, I was a mute, no literally I was, it took me a long time to open up. All of my communication was done through my writing.

Baby steps, it takes baby steps, and one of the things I have learned is I can't change on demand, I need to address my personal issues before I can move on to the next. I feel that I have come a long way. I have dealt with a lot of my past and have come to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me, and that certain people grace our lives, may it be for just a short while they are there for a purpose. That purpose can be for anything but they come for a reason. They are a part of your life.

When my professor told me this last night I was in shock, I realized that as a person I have grown and become a little of who I used to be. People used to say how much fun I was to be around and that my energy was addictive, a part of that is slowly coming back. I admit it took a few years and a lot of work, a lot of encouragement and a push in the right direction, some might say a wake up call. For the first time in a long time I felt good about myself, well that is not entirely true, I have been feeling better about myself a lot more lately and now I understand that I can't protect my heart, I have to take one day at a time and live to be who I want to be.

A quote that stuck out to me last night was "Failure is the tuition you pay for success" by Walter Brunell. This fits me so well it is scary. There are so many things that I have failed at, yet there are many things that I have and am exceeding at. If it was not for who I was then, I am unable to become who I am today. My life is no where near perfect and I still have a few obstacles to overcome, but who doesn't? I have worked hard to be where I am today, and I know I am a strong person.

Sometimes I think of the heart ache and pain I feel at times and then I remember the pain I felt a long time ago and it in no way compares to what once was back then. I got through that in one piece and I can get through whatever life throws at me now. It's not easy, but whoever said life was easy. You take one day at a time, Baby steps.

Going back to school was a challenge for me, however pursing my degree in Human Development was the best decision I could have made for myself. Not only am I learning about myself I am also learning about others and what is important in life to succeed, the challenge; Making it happen and applying it to your life. ONLY YOU can do that. Others will be there to help you along the way, but it has to be you who implements those factors into your everyday life.

Learning what is best for you it's hard, it hurts, and it challenges you in ways you can't even imagine, but in the end it will only benefit you. At this time I am learning to communicate better with my classmates, my colleagues at work, my friends and family. I am proud, I am stepping outside of the box, putting myself out there, yes it uncomfortable, yes it's hard, but each day it becomes a little easier. I now realize that my opinion's are valued, and what I have to say makes people laugh, makes people think and most of all it makes them see me as more than just a person who is shy and uncommunicative. A person will decide if they like you in the first five minutes of meeting you, it's up to you to make that effort, that first impression.

All in all life has turned, it turned a lot, and in the right direction. Again I thank the few people who helped me get there and you know who you are, Without your support and encouragement I might still be stuck in a rut. Thank you to the ones that still support me and are there for me, even at 2 in the morning or whenever I am freaking out about school and life I love you with all my heart.

Sorry for the long post, if you have read this far, you ROCK!

Remember Baby Steps, it's all about baby steps, one day at a time. That's all I can do for now :)

xoxo

Take me the way I am

2007-11-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

Can you feel the shiver that shakes my body?
Your touch, so gentle
My hearts a flutter

You hold my hand, when I am weeping.
Pour me a glass of wine, and then you help me drink it.
You light my cigarette, and watch me smoke it.

I love the way I am
You love me the way I am

When you are cold, I'll make you warm,
If you are sick, I'll make you better.
I'll kiss your crying tears, I'll wipe them away.

Love me the way I am.

I love you the way you are.

Hold on tight, the ride is getting stronger
Call me baby, your voice is music.

I hear you calling, just wait a minute.
Because my mind is smiling at the thought

of
you
calling
me

You take me the way I am.

I love the way you see me, when I am feeling down.

You kiss my lips and run your hands through my hair,
You comfort me, you take me the way I am.

No longer scared, no longer sad.
No longer cold, cause you're holding my hand.

I love the way you say my name,
I love the way you hold me,
When I wake up next to you,
I love the way you kiss me.

You promise me nothing and give me the world.

You take me the way I am.

Faces and Places

2007-11-30T23:49:00.000-08:00

*** This is what I came up with while riding the max, yes I am observant :) ***

The faces, all the faces, the smiles, the tears, the look of worry or love, so many people, so many faces that surround us everyday, do you pay attention?

Everyone has a story, everyone has a past. As you observe those around you, do you wonder what their story is? Where they came from, who they are, where they are going.

My mind wonders as I stare out the window, the man sitting across from me in a wheelchair holding hands with the one he loves. How did he get there, does he look sad? No. He is sharing a moment with a woman, gazing in her eyes, oblivious to everyone around him, whispering "I Love You". I smile.

A mother trying to control her children, wearing a purdah; smiling at everyone around her. The man next to me offers her a seat, she politely declines, and her children cling tightly to her long dress. Still she smiles.

As I listen to my music, not hearing the conversations around me, but picturing all those who surround me. I smile.

I watch two young kids kissing and holding each other. Oh to be young and in love, do they know this is only the beginning? Do they think about the end? Why should they, they are happy in this moment, this one moment.

As my journey continues on, I observe are two young people sitting beside me, one is looking out the window with a look so sad I almost want to reach out and hug him. His friend is trying to talk to him, he is listening to music, and he ignores her. Her hair is so many different colors; she has so many piercing and her clothes well, a little off beat for my taste. Immediately I judge. Who am I to judge? It was not so long ago that I myself had holes in my body. As I listen to her voice, I hear nothing but a gentle soft voice, not at all a reflection of her image. She tries to engage her sad friend in conversation; he continues to look out the window and ignore her, looking incredibly sad.

A boy across from me is talking on his cell phone about staying sober for 2 weeks; when he turns 18 he will no longer go to juvenile hall, but to actual jail. He is laughing. He is so young. Does he know the consequences of his actions may affect him later in life? No he does not, he thinks he is invincible. I too once thought that.

The woman sitting there knitting away, again oblivious to those around her and sitting next to her a man reading the bible, then two African American men step onto the train, one with and afro, the other with "bling" and a blue hat with multi colored ? marks all over it. They are sharing headphones to an MP3 player, practicing their beat, tonight they are performing. Determination masks their faces.

Oh the places you will go. The people you will see. Will you judge, or will you observe? Will you move away from a person who doesn't look quite right, will you sit next to someone who resembles a gentle kind person? You realize that everyday we make the choice to see people for their image, not who they are. We judge them on based their appearance or their action, but we don't know where they came from or where they are going.

The face only shows the surface, watching a man who is smiling, may be holding back tears, the woman who has a look of worry on her face may be going home to an abusive relationship, or maybe her child got a bad grade and she is not looking forward to a discussion with him or her. The teenager who just stepped on the bus to get to the airport and fly home to see family whom they ran away from a short while ago, thinking they could make it on their own.
The fact of the matter is we don't know. The gentle, kind looking person could be a rapist, or a ruthless person, the man who looks disheveled could be a hard working father who has a wife and kid at home. Oh the places we will go, the places we have been, the judgments we make, the choices we decide. Not everyone is as they appear, nor is something as it seems. The outside can be deceiving, the inside is most revealing. We don't often get to see the inside of the faces we see everyday. Don't be so quick to judge, you must remember you are being judged by all the faces that surround you.

- "He who is different from me does not impoverish me - he enriches me. Our unity is constituted in something higher than ourselves - in Man... For no man seeks to hear his own echo, or to find his reflection in the glass."
-Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Attention Important Notice to Drivers of the Northwest

2007-11-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

I would like to post this notice to the drivers of the Northwest, Please read as there are some rules I would like followed.

1) If you are driving in the fast lane usually this consists of the left lane and you see a car come up on you, PLEASE get over! DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT slow down and piddle your way, YOU are holding up traffic!

2) If you are going to drive in the left lane aka fast lane, PLEASE OH PLEASE go the speed limit, yes this consists of going at least the speed limit if not a few miles over. There is a reason why there are signs that say SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT. Please people obey this rule; you are annoying those of us, who are trying to get somewhere. DO NOT GO 50 in a 60 speed zone, and if you chose to go slow, PLEASE move to the RIGHT, yes that would be the passenger side of your car in case you didn’t know.

3) There is ABSOLUTLEY NO REASON why you should slow down if someone is getting pulled over. Come on people, when someone gets pulled over it usually consists of the police officer getting out of his car, walking up to the offender and getting his license and registration, going back to his car, running the information and either he will give a ticket or not. I guess it would depend on how hot the girl/guy is (depending on the sex of the officer) or if the offender is pulling the crying act (I have used this technique and it works, I don’t advice you to try this). No matter what is happening it is NONE of YOUR BUSINESS and really is it that interesting? I think not, so People MOVE ALONG! You make me late and I missed my train. THANK YOU!

4) Please do not cut me off and then slow down, you are only encouraging my road rage. If there is a tiny spot, do NOT try to squeeze into it, and when you don’t put your blinker on, well it’s not my fault if I hit you! It is not that hard to put on your blinker and wait for someone to let you in, I have done this many times and YES people it works!!! Now if you are one of those who wait till the last minute to get over before your exit, well tough! Chances are I won’t let you in, please DO NOT give ME the finger, it is your fault for being a procrastinator, and I don’t feel sorry for you. Plan ahead. You know where your exit is. Hey I have to sit in traffic too, but like most people I try to be patient and again it’s annoying when someone butts in after you have been sitting there for 15 minutes.

5) Next and last, people it rains 9 MONTHS out of THE YEAR here! Why oh why can you not drive in it? I lived in Colorado all my life and it rains there too, not as much, but you would expect that us Coloradoans would be a little more cautious while driving in the rain, No not the case. We drive just fine in the rain, I was expecting the same here if not better, and I mean you guys are used to it! I have never in my life seen such dumb ass drivers when it rains, even when it sprinkles. I mean WTF???? I understand the ice, that is scary, but the rain, come on; it is no cause to go 20mph on the highway! RIDICULOUS, plain and simple. I hear people talk a lot about all the people moving here that don’t know how to drive HA! I have been to a few different places, and nobody drives like they do here! SLOW!

If I offend you I am sorry, but come on you know it’s true. Let’s pick up the pace, do not get distracted on things that really are not that interesting. Learn to drive in the rain, move over, go the speed limit for heaven’s sake. There are a few other things that bother me, but I will not go into it because then I may REALLY offend some, so we will leave it at that. If you have anything to add, by all means add away!

xoxo

Mathematical Incompetence

2007-11-21T21:47:00.001-08:00

Give me a word any word, I'll put it in a sentence, I'll give you a meaning, I'll write an entire story about one word…… Give me a book, any book, I'll read it and then summarize it for you, I'll even read it to you if you want.

But then, you……

Give me a number, any number…… O MY GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! Numbers what? What are they? How do they work, what do I do with them? Where do I put them, I feel an anxiety attack coming on… Think; Think hard… what is 2 + 2? I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!
Yes these were my thoughts today at work. I was given a project, at first glance sure it was easy, and I can do this. Then I feel the sweat come on, I start to feel anxious, and then I realize… Damn I should have paid more attention when I was in school…. Algebra. I HATE ALGEBRA! Hell I HATE math, period, no questions asked. It is my worst subject, my worst fear…. I knew eventually it would catch up with me, I knew one day I would have to use it. Then I cried.
I know nothing about math, basic math sure, if I have a calculator. If I don't forget it, I even have an easy tip calculator on my phone so I can figure out tips…. I am so bad. I never even learned my times tables, I still count on my fingers for god's sake.
Today was my test, I was given a large project at work that involved figuring out formulas for expectations we haven't met and why, I had to figure out the time it took us to do the project right down to the minute, and why it took us that long and how it we could improve it, ALL WITH NUMBERS! There were no words; there was no getting around this one. I actually thought about quitting…. This was not in my job description! I do not remember reading anything about doing MATH!!!! What was I going to do? (Putting my head down on my desk in despair)
There you have it, my weakness, my downfall….. MATH! I am incompetent when it comes to this, and here I was looking at a spreadsheet full of numbers, looking for the outcome of more numbers, all blurring together, numbers, I want to cry…….
"Relax, just relax" I tell myself "I can do this". "Relate it to something you know, ANYTHING, you have to do this!" So I start talking it out, yes I was talking out loud, to myself, laugh if you must. My boss did, when he walked by my office and asked me if I was on the phone and then realizing I was talking gibberish about numbers. He laughed, I laughed, and it was funny….. Here I am at work, talking to myself about numbers, trying to relate it to something I know, you would laugh too. Come on you are laughing now….
I know you are…..
I had to teach myself algebra; or rather I had to remember algebra, I had to figure out these formulas and I had to do it today. After 3 long hours of banging my head on my desk, taking numerous walks to calm down and telling myself over and over again "I can do this, I can so this" I did! I talked my way through it and when I checked it with my manager (fearing I had it all wrong and I was going to be the laughing stock of the office) it was all correct… Did I just do math? I think I did, I nearly had a mental breakdown in the process, but I did it!
Now don't try to test me on anything because I still know nothing about math, I can not tell you what the square root of 20 is, or what 12x6 is, or what a + b = c is, I don't know division, I don't know fractions, and I still don't know my times tables. I don't want flash cards; I prefer counting on my fingers thanks! I am just happy I got through the mathematical roadblock I was given today…. I am still a complete math idiot, but I did it and that is what is important. I learned that even if you are mathematically challenged, if you are determined enough you can do it!

xoxo

Thank You

2007-11-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you for being there when I needed you the most,
Thank you for leaving me when I pulled it all together.

Thank you for taking my heart, and holding it so gently,
Then ripping it to shreds….once again.

Thank you for making me believe that what I saw in you was real,
Thank you for taking it all away and leaving me in tears.

Thank you for being so understanding at the time,
Then holding it against me, and messing with my mind.

Thank you for all that you are and all that you have done,
You made me stronger, pushed me to be better, then left me far behind.

Thank you for making me feel so deeply for you,
Thank you for telling me, it's not the same for you.

Thank you ever so much for stringing me along,
Playing games, hurting me, then you don't even care.

Thank you for all of your time,
But I don't need you anymore.

You take me for granted, leave me to cry, to hurt, to you it's just a game.

Thank you for making me realize that you were a complete waste of time, Thank you for waking me up, this time I will leave you behind.

No need to say how you really feel, I know, you said, I don't need to hear it again.

Thank you once again asshole.

Kates

One Left Behind

2007-11-17T10:13:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we hurt, many times we cry. Life can be good; life can crush your heart so hard that it makes you want to scream. Somehow, someway we will get through it. After many nights of laying awake and wondering what went wrong, one day you will wake up and realize, it just wasn’t meant to be. You will cry, sometimes so hard your head will hurt, your throat will swell and you’ll understand the pain of a heart ache. Some say it is better to love than to never have loved at all. I think this is true. You love, you hate, your heart screams so loud, you can’t sleep. All the time you put into someone, only to have them tell you they don’t love you back. If it’s been this long maybe they never will. Then it’s time to let go.

The pills help ease the pain, the loss of feeling can make you numb. Numb to the pain in your heart. There is no simple answer; there is no simple thought, just memories and pain. All wrapped into one. You loose your train of thought, you lose your concentration. Then one day you wake up and realize, it is for the best. Getting to that is the hardest part, it can make you crazy, it can make you indescribable. But that is not the concern of the one who has hurt you, that is not the concern of the one who broke your heart.

Now there is no one to talk to, no one to turn to, just me; exactly as it should have been in the first place. Now it is time, time for myself time for my heart to heal. Because right now it is broken and he doesn’t care.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Broken Soul

2007-10-04T01:07:00.000-07:00

The Pain sears me deep inside, twisting my heart, releasing my tears.

One step forward, three steps back.

Learning to love, to care all over again, I begin.

Thoughts of you invade my mind, and I wonder why?

I think of you often and miss your touch, your kiss, your heart.

I miss us; I miss your gentle caress, the closeness that we shared.

The comfort of waking up next to you and knowing you were there.

The laughter, the fun, being you, being me, believing we could.

Where did you go? Why did you leave?

When did you stop caring and loving me?

The questions that surround my mind are killing me inside,

Splitting my soul, leaving me confused.

Walking alone once again, scared to lose unwilling to try.

Is it worth the pain, should it be this hard? My tears fall, over you.

It is so hard to say goodbye.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Underlying Silence

2007-09-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

The fog creeps within my soul, it hovers over my heart.

The silence of my convictions wears on me, it tears me deep inside.

Look at my face; see the pain, the tears, and the hate.

Feel the coldness of my heart, there is no warmth to cuddle your tenderness.

There is nothing there, nothing for you to feel, for you to crush.

My eyes are the color of the darkest night; the moon shows no mercy on my soul.

Daylight creeps inside, and is crushed by the utter silence of my soul.

The liquid trickles down my throat, slowly, fogging my mind.

I can not feel the pain, the numbness deep inside.

Slowly my pain is eased away; my mind is oblivious to the torture of my heart.

The smile I wear is fading from my lips; the anger is easing my stride.

As I slip into unconsciousness I can feel the pain subsiding through out my body.

The moon hovers in the night, the stars shine, the fog cleanses my mind.

Underlying Silence tortures my mind…

My Personal Prayer

2007-09-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

Please give me the strength to be who I am,
Please help me see the beauty that lies within.

Give me the strength to reach deep inside,
Find me, and love me.

Teach me to love others, and find the courage to fight my own battles.
Help me to understand the pain of my past, to grow from it and make me whole again.

Please give me the courage to stop my tears, and find my laughter.
Please give me the courage to stand up for me, and not let others treat with me disrespect,
Walk all over me and crush my heart.
When this happens God, please, O please, give me the courage to move forward.

Teach me to walk, to stand, to move on my own.
When I am down, give me the courage to stand on my own two feet again.
To walk with my held high and be proud of whom I am,

Please God, give me myself back.
I need to borrow some of your strength, I need a shoulder to cry on, I need a hand to hold mine, for just a little while. I need you.

My courage has been misplaced, my strength has been hiding, my confidence has been buried. I need to find myself. I need to be me, again.

I miss the laughter, I miss the carefree girl, who used to look at the world and say “look at me, here I come!” Where has this girl gone, where is she hiding? Please God, help me find her again.

Help me create a new story, a story I can be proud of, a story I am not ashamed to tell others. Please God help me.
Help me, be me.

Really?

2007-09-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Do I have the words fuck me stamped on my head?

No I didn’t think so.

Do you think I don’t know? Do you think I can’t see?

Do you really think you can pull a fast one on me?

Do you really think that I will let you see me cry?

Do you really think I will ever let you in again?

REALLY?

DO YOU REALLY THINK?

Try again, you missed this one.

Get out while you still can, leave, don’t look back.

I am not going to be waiting this time,

I am not going to play your games, let you break my heart and then try to sooth my pain.

I am not going to put up with your blasé attitude, and your heartless mind, your endless games and your convenient time.

Go away; I can’t it take anymore, your killing me inside, making me crazy, loosing my mind.

Once upon a time, it was good, you were there, we were almost one….

Long time ago…

Now you are a pretentious asshole, doing as you please, stepping as you please.

Bow down to you, you are all that matters.

Not my feelings, not my tears, not my heart.

Really? Do you really think I care anymore?

Get over your self.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

I Love my Job, I Hate my Job

2007-09-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up, stretch my arms, get out of my comfortable bed and then remember I have to go to work, the smile is quickly wiped off my face, and my lovely dreams of the night before have vanished. GONE…….
I go over to the mirror and force myself to say 3 times;

I Love my Job, I Love my Job, I Love my Job…. SMILING…

HHHMMM… It’s not working, I am not excited about going to work, and I am not excited about dealing with irrational and incompetent people and I just can not work up the enthusiasm to face another day with complete idiots!

I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB, I HATE MY JOB.
Yes this is the only rational answer. None the less I still have to face the day.

So I get ready, get in my car, blast the music on my 30 minute drive, hoping to release some anger before I get to the HELL HOLE, known as my job. I am a personal Banker and I do tech support for a rather large bank which will remain nameless for privacy reasons.

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I help you today”
“No I am sorry sir, we can not reverse your overdraft fees, I understand you are upset but you used money that you didn’t have in your account.”
“Well sir, it is not our responsibility to manage your account, it is your account.”
“I am sorry sir but if you call me that name again I am going to have to terminate the call”
Yes I get called every name you can possibly think of, bitch, cunt, stupid, incompetent, ruthless, shit face… You name it I have been called it.

If only, imagine the possibilities….

My ideal response would be; “ I am sorry you have overdrawn your account, but if YOU kept better track and didn’t spend money at the bar or endless porn sits you are visiting, that YOU don’t want your wife to find out about, YOU would have the money YOU need to pay for gas”. “It is not my fault that YOU are a complete dumbass and do not know how to keep track of YOUR spending.”
In a perfect world maybe.

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB……

“Thank you for calling my name is Katy, how may I assist you today?”
“Sure I can help you with getting online; first you need to go to our website and type in the address in the address bar”
“What’s the address bar?” (At this point I am thinking O god why are you on a computer if you don’t know where the address bar is) 10 minutes later, YAY, we have found the address bar… Now on to the hard stuff, I will not even go there….. Let me just say computers are not meant for everyone, and well if you don’t know how to navigate, PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO START USING A COMPLICATING NEW SOFTWARE!!! Learn the basics first… Also do not get frustrated with me if you can not follow directions. I know that the world of technology is new to some of us; I am here to help, not for you to yell and scream at because YOU CAN’T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS! I am not stupid, I have been doing my job for some time and obviously you are calling because YOU need my help, so sit tight and let me do my job and promise I will get you were you need to be.

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Let me also point out that screaming at me at the tops of your lungs, because of a mistake that YOU made is going to get you no-where. Again I have absolutely NO sympathy for people who feel it necessary to call me a heartless bitch because YOU messed up. Last year on the Eve of Thanksgiving, and I am talking about 7 pm the night before, a lady called in and bitched me out because she had $7 dollars in her account that she spent at KFC, and now she had no money to buy/cook thanksgiving dinner… OK first of all why are you buying Thanksgiving dinner at 7pm the night before and second of all who the hell spends $7 dollars on Thanksgiving dinner, what are you planning on buying a roll, yes a single roll? Get real Lady… She actually called me a heartless, selfish bitch. HHHHMMMMM

I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB.

Well after dealing with stupid customers all day, I then have to deal with the Drama of the everyday work force…. Let me just say, WE ARE NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL anymore, get over it! Do not Gossip, it will only get you in trouble, be careful of who you say what to, it flies like wild fire through the office and most likely will get you on bad terms with management. We are all adults here, even though some of us have the mentality of a sixth grader. Next, please do not go one about your sex life, your texting bills and stupid shit that I don’t care about. If we are not close, why the hell do I want to know about your romp sessions of the previous weekend… I DON’T! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I have very few friends that I discuss personal matters with, and I like to keep it outside…

Ok now on to dress code….. We work in a business casual environment, Please act like it. DO NOT come to work dressed like Madonna in the 80’s, that era is over with, please leave your club gear at home! Might I mention spandex shorts…. What the hell are you thinking? Ok, Ok I shouldn’t be so critical, but you wonder why you get passed up for job promotions when you dress like Brittany spears or Paris Hilton… Think about it people.

Once Again I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB….

I keep telling myself that, I come to work everyday with bells on, thank god I have my happy pills on hand, otherwise I would never get through the day. Yes this is my job……. SMILE, show some white teeth!!!!

Girl meets Boy

2007-09-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Girl meets boy

Girl likes boy.

Boy woos girl with fancy dinner’s and expensive things.

Girl appreciates what boy does, but girl is not interested in money.

Girl and Boy date for over a year, yes date.

Girl wants more.

Boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars.

Boy wears pink polo’s and shops at Mario’s .

Girl is not impressed.

Girl wants the fairy tale and love.

Did I mention that boy talks about banging bitches and driving fast cars?

Boy say’s “That’s just the way I roll” “I’m boy, I do what I want”

Girl gets sick of boy; girl doesn’t want popped collars and pink polo’s.

Girl kicks boy out…. He can have his popped collars and pink polo’s

Drive his fast car and bang his bitches.

Boy is confused……

The end

Drinking and the Fun, not to mention embarassment that goes along with it

2007-09-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a book I am currently reading "The Idiots Girls' Action-Adventure Club" By Laurie Notaro…. Recommend by non other than Holly Harlot ?

Drunkenness, we have all been there, we have all made asses out of ourselves… So let's talk for a moment about the do's and don'ts .

1) NEVER EVER drunk dial or text, good friends are excluded from this rule. Do you ever wake up after a night of absolute partying, and look at your phone the next morning and think, "OMG why did I call my ex? What was I thinking? What did I say?" Then a sinking feeling develops in the pit of your stomach and redness covers your face, and you ponder all day about what was said…. You are afraid to call them because you know you embarrassed yourself completely… "I fink I vhant you back…. Slur, slur" "vhat happened between us? Slur, Slur"…. Yeah we have all been there….
Then you look at your outgoing texts…… All fuckered up because 1) you had to close one eye to concentrate on what you were texting and 2) it's all mumble jumbo…. No response from the other party…. "Thank god, maybe they knew I was drunk….
Then come the dreaded phone calls of the people you called/texted the night before.. "Dude you were wasted" "Sorry getting back together is not an option"
Ok redness in the face again…. My advice, give your phone to a designated, trusted phone holder. Lucky for me, I have learned to control the drunken dialing and use my better judgment when it comes to this.

2) We tend to feel more confident as the drinks go down. Me, well I am a repeated offender of this. First of all I can not carry a tune, and have been told I sound like a beached whale when I sing, but for some reason as 1, 2, 3 drinks invade my system I am the next Carrie Underwood…. Can I sing? Absolutely NOT! I still seem to think I can after a few… ?

3) Again let's talk about the confidence thing, KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! This I seem to have under control, now. As I turned the ripe old age of 21, well let's just say I was the flasher of all flashers…… Yes I got caught with my shirt up and on camera that was posted on a flyer for the next event the coming weekend…. Yeah not so proud of that one! Again I blame my age and stupidity for that one, but hey we learn. After that I kept my shirt down. Going to the club I see many girls in their short skirts and mid-drift tops, showing ALL their stuff, and I do mean ALL. Now this to me is asking for pure attention…. But hey, they are young, again you live, you learn…

4) On to the subject of liquor… Stick with the one's that don't make you crazy. For me it's Tequila…. I have a drunk happy Katy, then I have a mean, bitchy Tequila Katy, and let me tell you it is not pretty. I also tend to black out when drinking this drink. When my first roommate and I lived together we decided to have a margarita party, we bought a 1.75 leader of the good ol' Jose… There were five of us and well, it was a night to say the least. One of our friends jumped off the balcony of our apartment and ran like I have never see before… I just remember us all saying "Run Forrest, Run". Did I mention we lived on the fifth floor? This was after a fist fight over drunkenness nothingness; did I mention we were all good friends? Well to end here I woke up in my bed wearing a dress I have never seen before with a feather boa around my neck…. HHHMMM…. I remember thinking to myself, what happened to the darkness? O well.

5) Never get into deep conversations with people you don't know very well, and tell them your life story. Again I am a repeated offender of this. I tend to talk, talk, talk, about EVERYTHING, just ask my friend Melanie…. I was so close to her, "Melanie, you don't understand, but Melanie, just listen" I must have said her name a million times, or so I was told. Now don't get me wrong I have met some fine individuals while having a few cocktails, but the conversation always revolves around weird but interesting topics, not something I might discuss if I were sober.….. My advice be careful what you say.

6) Now fellows, this one is for you….. If you can't dance when you are sober, well don't even attempt it when you are intoxicated. You will make an ABSOLUTE fool of yourself, just like my beached whale singing…hehe. Us girls are not impressed with your Michael Jackson moves, or dirty dancing while stepping on our toes, not fun, especially in 5 inc high heel shoes….

7) Again fellows another one for you…. Save your pick up lines for the 14 year old girls….. No I am not tired; I don't care if I have been running through your head all night. Don't call me a sexy mama, and lick your lips like you are going to get some… DREAM ON! Let's see another line that has been used on me, "I forgot my number can I have yours?" WTF???? No you may not have my number. Then the classic, line "You need to ditch the guy your with and come home with me" UM NO THANK YOU! This has actually been used on me as I am walking through the club, holing my guys hand, I feel a tug on the shoulder and Bam…. Get over yourself I am with him. Now I know all guys are not like this, just the ones that should we say have a big head, and an even bigger head after a few drink, so guys don't get all hurt, this does not apply to all of you!

Well these are my grips, advice, embarrassments, laughter and fun…. All in the name of the three D's, DRINK, DRUNK and DRANK. We have all had these experiences I am sure ?

In Remembrance of 9/11

2007-09-07T21:13:00.001-07:00

Remember,
Always remember.
Cry for those lost, grieve for those never found.

Remember that day?
It was a day just like any other.
People going to work, people flying home, people walking on the street going on their way, children laughing, loved one’s kissing their loved one’s good-bye, thinking what a beautiful September day.

We did not know
We did not see
How could we?

Then it happened, and the world watched in shock,
As the first plane hit the tower,
Then the next,
We all watched in horror as they fell to the ground.
We came to a standstill, learning about our fellow Americans fate.
The lives at the Pentagon and the fighters of flight ’93.

Do you remember the fear? Do you remember the sadness?
All at the hands of terrorists
That took our freedom on that day.

To shed so much blood,
To instill so much anger
What happened to the love and laughter?

The families that lost all hope, the mothers that lost their sons, the children that lost their parents, the wives, husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends, we all lost that day.

We watched in silence as American burned, we watched in horror the witnesses of a mass murderer.

The calls came in “Honey please don’t cry, I love you, tell the kids goodbye”
“Be strong for me mom, I’ll see you in heaven”

Some waited in silence, waiting for the phone to ring, the phone never rang, they never got to say goodbye. Instead they watched on T.V. their loved one’s die.
They never came home, never walked through the door, never sat down to dinner,
Never said “I Love You” again.

Do you remember?
Do you still fear?
Do you understand the hatred that destroyed our country that day?
Do you ask why?

I do.
I will remember,
I will cry,
I will mourn the life, freedom and soul we lost on that day.

Game of Life

2007-09-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

You laugh you learn.

Crying is just a game, loving breaks your heart.

Where to turn, where to go, so many different directions

Falling

Into

One.

The game of life, dealt with a deck of cards,

So fragile, so pure.

A game of Russian roulette

Pull the wrong trigger

BAM your dead.

Scream at the top of your lungs

HELP

ME

Watch me fall

D

O

W

N

Pick me up,

Hold my hand.

Cross over

Where I don’t know.

Falling deeper into you

Watching you

Contemplating your next move

Cry, sing

Feel me

INSIDE

YOU

Leave

Run

Don’t look back

Tomorrow never dies

Today is your life.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Unnecessary

2007-09-07T02:29:00.000-07:00

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

Loving you was never easy; together we have come along way.

Laughing and trying to make it work.

Holding you, holding me.

Making me feel as if I am the one,

Being there when I needed you the most, missing you when you are not there.

I opened up to you with all my heart, gave you a piece of me that I don't share.

You take it wrong, saying I am keeping things from you, when it takes me so long to share.

You wonder why I shy away from you and hold up my barrier.

You know what?

FUCK YOU!

I am tried of your ruthless comments and telling me "that's just the way I roll"

Go bang your stupid bithces, and roll in your nice new car.

Go waste your money on things that don't matter, and then tell me I'm a money whore.

Go live your privileged life, and find your trophy wife.

Guess what?

I don't give a fuck anymore.

I guess you will never see what's good is right in front of you,

You take things for granted and lose the ones that care.

I guess it's only natural you treat your friends like possessions,

It's the only way you know how…

You seem to be good at making me feel this small.

Not that you care…..

I'm sorry……..

"That's just the way you roll"

No apology necessary, no explanation needed.

Guess what baby that's not the way I roll.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Fuck You

2007-08-29T21:32:00.001-07:00

Do you really care or just pretend to care?
Why do you waste you time and mine?
Life revolves around you, your time, your life, your dream…
What about me?
Yeah that’s right fuck off!
I’m sorry did I stutter?
No maybe you just didn’t hear me..
Maybe you just didn’t hear me say that I am kicking your sorry ass to the curb and going my own way.
No more excuses, no more lies… no more, “baby let’s just try”
I am sick of trying with you and sick of making it work. I am sick of hearing you say “baby I miss you” When once again we are back at square one.
Being a convenience to you is getting quite old.
So I am saying it one more time
FUCK YOU!

OVER

2007-08-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

A moment in time, a truth, a lie.
Questions, answers, please do not ask why.
Emotions are stirring, tears are streaming
Screaming in the back of my head.
Franticly swimming the thoughts in my mind,
Visions blurred, hearing left unheard.
Cover your eyes, hold on tight, this ride may last all night.
Scream like you never have before, cry as if you have no more tears.
Do not laugh, your heart is not yet healed,
Bow your head
Close your eyes
Live not today,
Do not try.

Better left unsaid

2007-08-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

Some things are better left unsaid.

I love you

Just turn your head away,
Don’t look my way
Don’t chase after me, just walk away.

Unsaid, to you.

Let me cry inside, let me walk
Set me free, don’t come looking.

You’ll never see my tears or feel my heartbeat,
My hand slips from yours, just let go.
Don’t ask why, don’t question my intention,
Don’t whisper in my ear

I
Miss
You

Some things are better left unsaid.

Unable to give me what I need, providing a false sense of hope
Leading me down a path of hurt, staying until your next convenience.
Hating you for who you are, resenting you for what you do.
Playing your game for just a while, letting you go…..

NOW.

I could say all these words to you, speak them from my lips, make you hurt, and cry, make you wonder why…. I feel the way I do…. Loving you, Hating you, Lusting you, Resenting you……

But to you, some things are better left unsaid.

Near My Heart

2007-08-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Whispers in my ear,
Thoughts of you so near.

Waiting
For
You

Your heart beats
Next to mine
Your hand holds mine

Your kiss so gently on my lips

Your
Touch…..

Reaching out to me.
Holding me close
Feeling me

You whisper in my ear
I am here

You hold me
Calming me,
Daring me not to fear

I am with you
You can close your eyes

Dream
I will wake you
If you cry

Hold me close
Don’t let go

I won’t my darling
Please
Let me near.

Don’t push me away
I am here

For
You

Always.

For You

2007-07-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

Starless nights, music to my ears,
Loving and learning
To the beat of my heart.

Moon shining glitter, over the water
Laying in your arms,
My heart is a flutter

So many lessons learned with you at my side,
My heart once again opens,
To you.

Sleeping so soundly, feeling your breath, your heartbeat,
As you hold me close.

My eyelids are heavy, my heart is light
Knowing you are there
Waiting for me, learning with me
Watching over me
Making me feel alive.

Tasteful wonders, sweet kisses
Listening to your voice
Feeling your caress, against my skin.

Reaching for me, feeling your hand
My sleep becomes sound,
I have found my calm.
In you.

Release Me

2007-07-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Sitting alone under a starless sky,
Not knowing how to laugh or cry.
Feelings that should be numb,
Strike me deep inside.
My tears are dry, my soul is hallowed.
I feel nothing, yet everything.
All wrapped into me.

Give me an answer, feel me cry.
Give me the strength,
To at least try.
To walk again with my held high.

Emotions that are swept to the floor,
My heart tingles, feeling the panic
Of being alone,
Not sure where to turn,
How to love,
How to be me.

Lost in world, lost to myself,
Tears streaming down my face,
Up and down, never settling for what may be,
Never satisfied with just me.
The beauty that lies within,
Lost for the world to see
Re surface, release, let me be free.

Give me an answer, feel me cry.
Give me the strength,
To at least try.
To walk again with my held high.

ONE

2007-06-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

Emotions run high, and answers remain unanswered. Why?
Thoughts, Comments please.

There was a time when life was full of smiles,
Or was there?
There was a time when I knew not to hate,
Or at least I thought.
There was a time when everyone was one, equal,
At least I was told.

The innocence that I have lost, is a story I have been told.
A story of hatred, of anger of legends yet to unfold.
The innocence of pure, of love, of laughter,
Of time so long ago.
A time in my childhood when everything was gold.

A picture of the world in which we have become, or what we have created.
I am still not sure.
A world in which there is no equality, no tolerance, and a mind which remains closed.
My mind has become numb to the picture I see.
PAIN, ANGER, HURT, RACISM, HATERED, MURDER.

Is there an end? A peaceful mortality?

Each day I see the beauty that lies within the world,
That lies within each and everyone of us
So beautiful are we.

Why do we tolerate the hatred between diversity?
The racism, the murder, and the pain we so deliberately inflict upon those who are different, not like you or I?

Can’t you see we are all one, united, together for all eternity?

I see the good everyday,
I see the bad everyday.

I know that we can overcome,
Just maybe if we try.

For we are all different, yet all the same.
TOGETHER,
FOREVER,

ONE.

Emotions of my Heart

2007-06-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

A piece playing a little bit of a devils advocate....

Waiting
For the gentle touch of your lips,

Feeling,
The soft embrace of your loving caress,

Watching,
You undress.

Anticipation,
For the ecstasy to come,

Excitement,
Feeling your touch next to me,

Desire,
To feel you inside of me,

Love,
The way my heart has become,

Sadness,
To know soon you will be gone.

Anger,
At the way you walked away,

Comfort,
Knowing you can’t refrain from me.

Courage,
To walk away,
Knowing someday,

You will be back.

Saying I love you, can turn me inside,
Lusting after you is taken in strides.

The comfort of you,
Is to much to bear,
To much to handle and to much to fear,

My heart,
Only so much can spare,
To the desire,
You leave me,

Alone

With my dreams of finding you.

Someday, inside of me.

Ms. Devine

2007-06-12T21:46:00.001-07:00

Words of wisdom swept my mind,
Lost in the story of Ms. Devine.

Eloquently she was,
Never missing a beat, towering above others,
Kissing at her feet.

Caught in a whirlwind of emotion,
Loving all who came,
Shedding a tear for lost ones,
Reaching out for those in need.

Caught in a journey, she never should have made,
Looking towards tomorrow,
Letting the sun fade.

Dying inside,
Wiping the hands of time.
Crying for wisdom,
She carried in her heart.

The world saw her as this,
Yet she was never understood.
The beauty was outside,
But her soul is what held the key.

Inside she wept,
She felt the depth of her soul ripped from her side.
If only they knew,
If only they could see.
The side of Ms. Devine that was closed to the human eye.

The words she spoke, were just a whisper in the wind,
A subtle tribute to the ones she loved,
The ones that saw as she really was.

The words of wisdom that are in mind,
The words spoken by Ms. Devine.

Look inside, and you will see,
The true beauty and the person to be.
The person who flourishes, and the person we love,

Deep inside, lives Ms. Devine.

Intensify

2007-06-08T23:03:00.001-07:00

Intensity burning, yearning,
Let it go.

Where is the flow?

Watching, waiting,
Scheming, Screaming.

You must let go,

Drop

Fall

Run

Run far away,
Don’t look back
Don’t you dare stay.

Jump, GO
Racing,

Intensify

Let the mind blow you away.

Forget the past,
Tomorrow is here,
Live in the now and regret the future.

To Live….

Bring forth the challenge, diminish the failure.

Heighten the flow,
Lose the low.

The pressure,
Let it go.

Write What You Know, Know What you Write

2007-06-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

So this question or rather phrase has got me thinking. I love to write and generally have no trouble pounding out the words. Sometimes however, I get a little thing called writers block, or rather a few comments that say my writing is to heavy.
Well let me just say, I write what I know, and I know what I write. My writing may not be suitable for all to read, my writing may not please all who read. But hey, I write from my heart, and my heart may not always have something light to say.
I try to write everyday, and usually succeed. Some of my work is a work in progress, and I have a million unfinished pieces just waiting to be done.
For all of you out there that understand the power of a finished piece, well there are no words to describe. My writing is my baby, I nurture it with care and feel nothing but pure joy when a piece is born. I can honestly say that this is my one and only true love.
Now don't get me wrong I have had the pleasure of experiencing a love, but never the love I feel when I write, so yes my writing is always first. Some may say this is sad, some may not understand, but to me, writing is my passion, my dreams, my life - past, present and future. There is no love that will ever feel my whole life as writing will.

So this post is about my true love, take it as you will, agree, disagree, comment or don't.

I write what I know and I know what I write.
There is nothing that can take away the creativity, emotions, or reality of your mind.

Much Love
Kates

Mind Racing

2007-06-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Another Piece I wrote to describe my mind at times.

Thoughts race,
My mind is numb,
I can’t figure which way to turn.

Black and gray,
It doesn’t make sense.

I’m spinning,
Dizzy,
Not sure where to fall.

Left, Right,
Up, Down.

Please stop

STOP…...

Nothing makes sense,
I can’t make it right.

THINK,
THINK

Bring me down,
Calm me with you hand,
Close my eyes,
Decipher my mind.

Meditation brings to ease,
Falling,
Down.

Erasing my conscious

Goodbye

2007-06-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

A little piece I wrote to cope and move forward...

You ask of me to give you time,
I look inside my heart to see the pain,
The scars,
The hurt…..

I can respect your thoughts on life,
I can’t respect your take on my heart.

I ask to you to give,
I don’t need a lot.

You want,
You need,
You have nothing to give in return,

To me…..

You can have all of me; all you have to do is ask,
I will give you my heart freely, but I need to know you will be there.

You are not there, you never will be.
I am asking you to leave.

Deep inside, I want to scream, don’t go.
It is so hard for me to let go.

You…
You have made me see that there is good,
You made me see a side that I have not been able to see for so long.
You gave me a glance into a side of my heart that I thought was forever lost.

For this I thank you.
So many things you have done for me,
So many different pieces you have picked up and put back together,

Inside of me.

Now it is time to say goodbye, now I am letting you go.
You are not right for my heart,
For all that you have done, you kill me inside.
I will forever be grateful for your presence at the time.
I am not angry, I am not mad, just numb.

I have to say goodbye.

Emotions of Me

2007-06-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I love,
I hate,
I learn,
I give,
I am here,
Sometimes I have to leave.

I feel,
I cry,
I laugh,
I scream.
I scream so loud, I lay down and weep.

I am me,
I am a person,
I breathe,
My heart beats.

I feel just as anyone will,
I have a conscious, sometimes it bleeds.

I have a desire,
A desire that runs deep.
A hope, A dream
A belief in me.

Nothing is perfect, including me,
Life is a journey,
A journey, to find your key.

A key to life,
Freedom,
Pain,
Happiness,
And hope.

A reason to go on,
A reason to live.

A person who lives,
Inside of me.

Damn You

2007-05-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I love you
I hate you

I miss you when your not here,
I can’t stand you when you are.

My anger rises at you for no reason
Then melts away when you hold me near.

I can feel you, I can feel your beat, your sweet caress.
Get the fuck away from me.

I know you’re not the one, I know I shouldn’t be…

You never understand, I will never let you understand.
I will never let you in.

You take my heart, you take my hand, I know you care
I will never let you there.

I wait for you to call then you never do,
Wait is it me who doesn’t call?

I don’t know, I can’t think.
You confuse me, you torment my heart.

Damn you,
Damn you for coming into my life,
Damn you for not being there, only when you please,

Damn you for making me believe, then taking it all away.

It’s not right, it’s not fair,
Let me have my heart back.
I can’t take it, I won’t even dare.

You’re asking me to give, give something that I can’t.
My heart is not for sale, it’s not a toy.

Damn you,
Damn you for being you.

Hello

2007-05-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

Hello?

Hello, it’s me, you may not know,

Are you the one that speaks to me?
Are you the one that wipes away my tears?

Hello?

Are you listening?
Can you read what’s inside my head?
Can you feel the simple sensations that run through me?

Hello?

Where are you now?
You must be here.
I can feel that you are near.

Hello?

Is it you who leads me into my journey.
It is you who follows to make sure I don’t fall.

Hello?

It is you who graces my mind, and leads me to comfort.
It is you who is with me when I cry, when I smile, when I laugh, when I feel hollow.

Hello me!
It is me; I am my past, present, and future.
It is me who falls; it is me, who picks me up.
It is me who loves, and me who feels pain.

Hello,
It’s very nice to meet you!
You have been there my whole life,
You will be there for all of my life.

It is me

The Mask

2007-05-24T07:51:00.001-07:00

Time runs,
Hours pass by,
I look behind me and say goodbye.

Looking past my steps afar,
I see the gaze of your shining star.

A star that once was, a belief that once existed.
A dream that glazed the night, a hope that rang outright.

Now I look far behind, and see the flow of steady tears.
Tomorrow is just a dream, today a nightmare.

Never will I trust again, never will I see again.
The depth of the sorrow that scorns my heart.
I know I will never let you see my scar.

Each day pretending, Each day smiling.
Putting on a mask that hides my true identity.

You may never see the real me, the real me has been buried,
Buried somewhere, so far I can not even see.

It is best this way to not scratch the surface.
What lies beneath, is not always pleasant.

Heaven

2007-05-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

The smell of lilies wisps across the valley; she looks upon the sun that sets in the horizon. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day, she thinks to herself.
She gathers her skirt around her, so as not to trip on the uneven ground, one last look at the beautiful sky above her and she is on her way home. She is careful so she doesn’t spill the basket of freshly picked berries and flowers that she has picked for him.

For him, she tries, tries so hard, to please him, to make him happy.
Everything he wants, she does. She does not want to make him angry; she does not want to make him crazy.

As she walks, she can still feel the bruising of the beating from last night. She is getting better at hiding them. He doesn’t let her out often. She doesn’t have to hide it as much,
The late afternoon sun caresses her face, and brings warmth to her heart, just a few more minutes of freedom….. Freedom, before she has to return.

It wasn’t always this bad, once he was a loving, caring gentle person, once he kissed and caressed her, instead of beating and molesting her. There was a time long ago, when there was laughter and love.

Each day she hopes for the laughter to return, each day she wakes and prays that this is the day, the day when he realizes he needs her and loves her.

She walks up the path that leads to their home, you would never know by the beauty of the home, the pain that lies within. The flowers line the walkway, the fountain flows so sweetly, the birds sit upon the tree and chirp their beautiful song.

As she walks through the door a sigh of relief washes over her as she realizes he is not home yet, she still has time to make his dinner. A fear rises in her suddenly; she can not remember what it is he wanted, what did they have last night? Was it chicken or steak?

Everything has to be planned so perfectly, so carefully, never the same thing two nights in a row. For if even the same vegetable is served, a beating is sure to follow.

She hears his car coming up the driveway, it is too late, and once again she has failed.
She has made him mad, she knows even before he walks in the door.

The screaming starts almost immediately, the first kick, she cowers to the ground.
“I tried, I tired for you”, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t hear her. He takes the basket of carefully arranged berries and flowers and beats her with them, the petals falling all around. The flowers she so thoughtfully arranged are everywhere.
He takes the berries and smashes them into her face, telling her to eat them, If she can be such a selfish cunt, she can eat them.
She tries to tell him they are for him; she tries to tell him she loves him. The tears are streaming down her face; the blood is pouring over her eyes blurring her vision.

He beats her more, telling her she is a crybaby, she is nothing, and he beats her till she is unconscious.

She lies there on the ground and she knows this is it, the end. She can see him standing above her telling her to get up; she no longer has the strength. He kicks her again, this time in the head. She can hear his hateful words, bitch, cunt, slut. She knows she is none of these, at least she once believed. She can feel the continuous blows to her stomach, her head, the words….. “get up you selfish bitch” “get up” “you still need to cook me dinner you cunt” She can feel the pool of blood forming around here, she can no longer feel the pain, in and out, in and out,

The final blow, he knows that this time he went too far, he knows she will never recover.
Once last shot to the head and she lies there lifelessly.
It wasn’t always bad he tells himself, I did love her once. He watches her die thinking this; he watches her die knowing he had no other choice.

He carries her body to the backyard, where he digs a shallow grave. He looks in and sees the petals strewn across the kitchen floor. He takes one last look at her and he puts the gun to his mouth,

She is running through the fields of flowers she had once picked for the man who murdered her. She stops to smell the lilies; she stops to feel the breeze. She gathers her bouquet in a beautifully woven basket, and falls back on the clouds and looks down from heaven. A single tear escapes her eye, a tear of joy.

Numb

2007-05-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

There is a road that leads somewhere,
There is a road that leads no where.
Deep inside the depths of hell,
My sorrow sings like the first Noell.

I look upon a chirping bird, but can not hear the song that escapes.
I look beyond me, not really seeing,
Nor really feeling,
Just empty tears.....
Just empty smiles....
Just laughter that has no meaning,
A hollow shell in which I exist.

A shell I call my home,
A comfort that makes you numb.

Numb to the surroundings that make you real, numb to the pain that has no consideration as to how you feel.
Numb to the ones, who praise their love, numb to the ones that reach to guide you.

Everyday you walk,
Walk,
Walk,
to a place where you can be comfortably numb.

There is no outlet, there is no escape....
Even though you are away, You are still here...
Existing in this shell.

How Could You

2007-05-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

I gave you my heart freely,
Never did I believe you would run with it.
I gave you trust,
You broke my heart.
I gave you a second chance,
You said you cared,
you made my believe that it would be better.
You broke down my barrier,
You allowed me to trust,
Then you ran, ran far and left me to pick up my heart.

So long it took me to allow someone in,
How could I know that I let the wrong person in.
How could I have trusted you?
How could I have fallen?
How could I believe that it would be different?

Now I know, there is no fairytale,
Now I know I am better by myself.
Now I know not to give my heart so freely,
For the pain you caused, is to much to bear.

I walk by myself,
I learn on my own.
I will pick up my heart.
Someday, again I will be strong.

The Beautiful Existence of Me

2007-05-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

So many things I see in the beautiful existence of me,
There is pain,
There is sorrow,
Without it I wouldn't be me.

Tomorrow is here,
Yesterday is gone,
Look at me, I will forever be strong.

You taught me to live,
You taught me to love,
Without you, I would be gone.

There are so many things to see,
In the beautiful existence of me.

There is laughter,
There is passion,
Amid the anger, there was a reason.

You gave me a life,
A new beginning,
I now can see,
The beautiful existence of me.

The Beautiful Things

2007-05-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

Do you ever stop to look at the beautiful things in life?

The flower that grows along side the road, smelling so sweetly.
The bird that sits upon the branch chirping away, guarding her nest.
The waterfalls that flow ever so beautifully and splashes so gracefully.

The touch of someone you care so much about and the laughter they bring to your heart.

Do you ever stop to appreciate the the stars that shine so bright,
The moon that graces your face in the night.

The sun falling over the horizon, or waking you in the morning, blessing you with the first light of day.

Do you ever stop to smell the rain,
Or watch the clouds as they roll above you.

Do you ever wonder why god created this unsparing earth,
and so graciously blessed us with the beauty that lies within?

The gracious mementos of life we take for granted everyday, bring so much light into the darkness of today.

Stop for a moment and play
For we are blessed with this wonderful playground each and everyday.

Trapped

2007-04-27T23:50:00.001-07:00

Ever so slightly she turns her head to the side, she tries to hide the tears that are falling down her cheek. There are so many things, she can not understand. So many painful memories in her heart.
The lies,
the games,
the bruises,
the scars,
so much all at once. How can she ever let anyone see or feel her true self.
She knows she has to get out, get away, but how? How will she ever get away from the one who will never let her out of his sight?
The bruising is to much to bear, She can not ever bring herself to look in the mirror. The reflection is not the one of the women she once was, but of the woman she has become.

Shame,
Guilt,
Fear........ Will she ever be able to see the beautiful things again?
Can she ever appreciate the small things that once were so dear to her heart?
Will the light of day ever reach her face again?

She must escape...

Run,

run away, from the pain, the reflection, the fear. Where is the outlet?

There is no outlet,

there is no escape.....

Today is a moment in time, tomorrow may never come. Lift your head up little girl, and escape. Escape the hands of death, if you stay, he will kill you. If you leave he will kill you.

Then you will be free, free from the pain, hurt, and the shame. You will be able to see the beautiful face that once looked back at you, smell the flowers that once took your breath away, hold the hand of the person, who helped you escape.

Motionless you lie, as you pray for an elude to your life, quiet you breath, so as not to wake the person next to you, for if he even knew your thoughts...........
One day little girl, one day you will wake and see the ravishing life that you once so adored. One day the nightmare will be over, One day your life will grab you and take you to a place, a place far from here.

Silence

2007-04-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Silence,
It's the only thing that keeps you sane.
Silence,
Will I ever speak my pain?
Silence,
It's the depth that lies in your heart, but never comes to your mouth.
Silence,
It's the memory of yesterday, but the heartbreak of today.
Silence,
Please help me break away.

The promise of the lost, and the promise of gain. Never will I ever see again.

So many tragedy's in such a short time, please help me, help me live again.

Chances on Love

2007-04-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

The feelings of your heart, will you ever understand? You cry, you smile, you laugh, you fall in love. There are no words that will ever describe the wave of emotional outburst you feel in that one moment.
The smell, the touch, the knowing look from the person beside you. They take your hand and suddenly everything is alright.
So many things to consider, but somehow you know in the end everything will turn out for the best.
Suddenly you understand that this person beside you is not responsible for the the pain that was inflicted on you in the past, and they are there to protect you from the new pain. Yes it is hard to understand the pain, however unless you let them in they will never be able to help you overcome that pain.
It has been so long since you have allowed yourself to be held, and loved by another, it seems so foreign, yet so familiar. Yet you still hesitate, you have hesitated for so long, why? The fear of hurt, rejection, pain.
Life is to short to hesitate, this could be the one, the one that takes your breath away, or maybe they already have.
Follow your heart, I know it's hard I know you are afraid of getting hurt, but that's what love is about. Taking a chance, a chance on life, on love. You could wake up tomorrow and never have this chance again. Not with the person who has helped you overcome so much in life, the person who never turned their back on you, even when things went from bad to worse.
Only you know what your heart desires, and to turn your back on something great will leave you with regrets. Life should never be about regrets, it should be about chances.....

Summer Days

2007-04-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the porch, watching the sun set, that cool glass of lemonade in your hand. There is nothing like a perfect end to a perfect day.

Listening all around you can hear the sweet sounds of the summer evening, the crickets chirruping, the frogs croaking, and the gentle breeze of the day.
The coolness of the evening is so refreshing, after a long day in the sun, the breeze on your neck, send shivers down your back.
You sit back and think of the long days of summer, spending hours by the pool, or maybe playing baseball in the field, maybe you spent the day at the park, or riding your bike with friends, then playing hide and go seek until you see the porch light flicker on and off, telling you its time to go in.
You want to stay out just a little longer, the sun just went down. The promise of tomorrow is just a short nights sleep away.
The long days of summer bring back so many memories, watching the beautiful show on 4th of July, picnics, and baseball, the smell of suntan lotion, and the soothing feel of aloe vera on your skin when you've been in the sun to long. The summer romances that only last that short time, but always hold a special place in your heart, the ones you will never get over, because you know there is always the promise of next summer.

Reflecting on the long days of summer can always bring a warm feeling to your heart, nothing beats a perfect summer day.

Think Twice

2007-04-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Think twice before complaining about anything after reading this.

... Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.

He stays up for days on end.
__________________________

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water
__________________________

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward
__________________________

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt __________________________

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags

You talk trash on your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again
__________________________

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists__________________________

You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. And it's 112 degrees in his tent, IF the air conditioner is working!~~like 130 outside...imagine a blow dryer in your face ALL THE TYME
__________________________

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He does not get to eat today
__________________________

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for days, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________

You are angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He is told he will be held an extra 2 months...on top of the nine months he just completed
__________________________

You call your girlfriend and set a date for that night.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
__________________________

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why he is fighting.
__________________________

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him.

He hears the gun fire and bombs.
__________________________

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the bodies lying around him, and he sees the locals who are grateful beyond words that he is working to give them freedom.
__________________________

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does what he is told.
__________________________

You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________

You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable.

He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire.
__________________________

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of men like him.

If only there were more men like him.

If you support your troops, repost this

Remember, for those who have fought for it, Life has a flavor the protected will never know..

Freedom is not something to be secured in any one moment in time. We must struggle to preserve it every day. And freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Ronald Reagan

This was sent to me in an e-mail and I just thought it was worth posting. For all of those who are fighting for our country. God Bless

Thoughts on Life

2007-02-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

You only have one chance at life, one chance to be happy, and one chance to make the most of your world. Nothing ever comes to those who lie around and wait for their calling, things happen to those of us who go out and find our calling. For many of us life is not handed to us on a sliver platter, but something we have to work and strive for. For those of us that have the easy route, there are no experiences and no sense of self satisfaction to be gained.

In my opinion there are two ways we can go through life, one, living to the height of our experiences, never taking anything for granted, and always pushing for that next adventure. The second way of life - pretending to be happy, but making everyone around you miserable, pretending to have that perfect life, never admitting failure and always faulting everyone else. Living of life of denial is not a way of life.

There are many of us that have been dealt a bad hand of cards, but how do we play those in everyday life? My friend, it is not easy. We have to take what god gave us and learn to play the hand that was dealt. True happiness will come within as you grow and learn. You will learn to be comfortable in yourself, as long as you look at yourself, and see that beauty that lies within.

Too many of us see an outside, a person for their status in life, but not for the person inside. I have learned that status and money doesn't always mean happiness and comfort. This is something that we should never base ourselves as a whole on. There are so many experiences in life that come through adventure, hurt, pain, love and laughter.

Learn to appreciate the simple things in life, the beautiful things, and the things that take your breath away. See the world for what it is, the good and the bad. Live each day as if it may be your last, and never take the one’s around you for granted. Never take life for granted.

There is no guarantee that things will be easy, or that the road you chose will always lead you in the right direction. Always remember that we can take those bad times and reflect back to learn and grow, even the bad times we should never take for granted. For those may be the times that make us a stronger and more willful person. It will make us wise, wise to ourselves and to give the knowledge of experience to others.

Never pretend to be someone you are not, that will only make you lose sight of yourself, and you will be denying yourself the true beauty of life, for you will never know what its like to live in your own shoes.

We are on this planet for such a short time and the one chance we have to live should be lived to the fullest.

The Tightrope

2007-02-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

You look below and see nothing, so far down…. The rope beneath you shakes ever so slightly, and you know one step in the wrong direction will send you plummeting into the earth below. Some days you are able to walk this line with ease and confidence, others you can barley make it off the platform.

Nothing is ever certain, and each day gives you a new perspective into your life. It is still unclear why walking this thin line can be so easy, yet so difficult all in one. Many people walk with ease with their head held high, but you, you are not capable of this.

You ponder so many fear’s, and thoughts that race through you everyday, some days it’s all of your energy to get to the end, and then you awaken only to try again. Some days you run to the end, excited and hopeful of tomorrow, and you can’t wait to move to the next place. But where does it all begin?

Taking a journey through life is never easy, and the bumps you hit along the way make that journey a learning experience. It’s up to you to figure out how you are going to apply those experiences to real life. Your journey may be a long one, others are not so fortunate to take the long road. Some may chose the road to hell, while others will find their path to heaven. It’s up to you to take each day as it comes, and never forget the little things in life that helped you get there.

Nothing is ever set in stone, and no one said your journey will be easy, You will come along new obstacles every day that will challenge your inner self and make you wonder if you can go on. You will meet new people, some of them will try to steer you into a path that you may not want to explore, it’s up to you to be strong and see the trouble that may lie ahead. It’s up to you to believe in yourself, know that it will be you alone that see’s you to the end, others will stop by and assist you, but you will have to fight to make that journey home.

In the end you will no longer fight to make that walk, because you will know what you are capable of, you will trust yourself to relax and walk with ease, you your self will hold your head up high, you will no longer be afraid to walk that tightrope.

One Moment

2007-02-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing is worth more than that one moment, that one moment that can take your breath away with one look, one touch, one kiss....
Words will never begin to express that profound moment in time, when your heart races, and you feel that excitement of that one touch, that touch you want to feel forever, that touch you so innocently forgot that made you tremble all over.
Suddenly you remember what home is, you feel what is right, your whole body sinks into a different kind of comfort, the comfort of the person next to you. You close your eyes, you take a deep breath and when you open your eyes you look into the beautiful existence of that person above you and you know that nothing else matters in this moment.....
The feelings that are running through you right now are almost to much, the weakness you feel deep inside, the way your whole body melts into that person, the electricity thats running through both your body's and then the pure ecstasy of it all......
You never imagined that the touch of that one person could bring so many feelings, feelings of comfort, and a realization that many people will never experience a moment such as this. This private moment when the only person you want to share this with is the person lying next to you, holding you, and somehow bringing an ease to your whole self being.....
Once again you close your eyes as you lay your head on his chest and just for one minute you forget what it feels like to feel anything different than what you are feeling now, now in this one moment......

The Awakening

2007-02-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst
of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear
over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.. and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in
the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

This was sent to me , the author is unknown , I have to say it makes you really think about life, and recently this makes more sense to me more than it ever did before. I just wanted to share!

Hug O' War

2007-01-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

This is one of my favorite poems by Shel Silverstein. I came across this poem when I was in first grade and enjoy reading it from time to time. Just wanted to share!

Life or Something Like It.....

2007-01-02T21:36:00.000-08:00

This seems to me, an odd phrase. I continuously wonder about my direction and my place. Throughout the years I have grown into myself, but yet I know there is so much more of myself that I have yet to discover. Recently I have posted a blog on the Epiphany that I have recently had. The new beginning in my life. As recent as this may seem, my Epiphany is shaping a reality. I'm still not sure if this was a long time coming or why it hit me so fast. Suddenly it all seems so clear.
I am learning that life is not always the road that I may have planned, and I may not be where I would have pictured myself at this moment, but I have realized that now is the time to move forward with my dreams. I am learning that my experiences in my life have not made me the weak person I once saw myself as, but a much stronger and more knowledgeable person. I am becoming proud of myself, of finding myself and learning each day.
Struggle and heartache are familiar terms in my life, and for so long I looked at this as my weakness, but no longer. Looking at myself, or your own self is very hard, and many people don't want to face the reality of their true self's, I didn't for a long time. But I have to ask myself, how will I ever overcome those weaknesses that invade my soul if I don't face them everyday? How will I learn to be happy if I don't see myself for who I really am? These I believe are very important questions that I feel should be examined, especially if you are in my position, questioning the meaning of life.
Right now I am struggling to move forward. I have made a major decision in my life, a decision that will take me to a new place, but a decision that will better my future. So my quest continues, on to a new beginning, and a new dream. For once it is the dream that I have always wanted, but have been to scared to share. For the first time in my life I am going to fulfill my dreams and not the dreams of others.

The Harvest Moon

2006-12-27T00:32:00.000-08:00

Looking up at the moon, there was no indication of the pain that would change the life of a girl forever. As she sat at the top of a hill looking out at the city, thinking why did I leave my home? This girl is only 12 years old, thinking she knows everything, at the same time not knowing anything.
A story is told that very night, as the red moon rises over the city. The legend was watching a moon of that color raise, someone you are very close to, or you, yourself will come close to death. Neither one knew the irony of that legend, for by the end of that one might not live to see the next day.
The girl has no where to go, she certainly could not return home, for the trouble she was in was far to much to bare to the parents who loved her. Why was she such a disappointment to her family? Why couldn't she be a "normal" 12 year old. Why had drugs started to invade her life at such an early age, she was unable to understand the consequences of her actions.
Later that evening as these very thoughts invaded her mind, she thought to herself, why not end it all. A bottle of vodka sounded very nice, why not wash it down with a bottle of aspirin? The last thing she remembers is a song "do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once", her head is hit hard against a wall. Then all goes black.
The light is shining, it appears at the end of a tunnel, no, wait there are voices, unable to open her eyes, there is a taste in her mouth that she can not understand. There are people standing over her, one of them is crying, she recognizes her father. The girl was unsure of where she was or what was happening, she surely must be dreaming.
As she comes to, it appears she is in a hospital, she can now make out the voices of the people around her. Still she is unsure of why she is here. A doctor comes in and asks "do you know that you almost died? You were not breathing when you came in? We had to pump your stomach" At this point the girl becomes angry, angry at the fact that she did not succeed. Still there was more.... The girl was asked if she had sex, the answer was no. The doctor then told her this was not the case. At this point the girl was unsure of how to re-act. Had she been violated, and not even known? Yes she was sore and as she sobered, the reality of her broken body had set in. She was no longer the same person.
At this tender age of 12 her innocence was taken. Not only to the fault of the man who violated her in every way, but also by the attempted suicide that almost took this girls life. Nothing was ever the same, the girl grew up and never dealt with her guilt. She always wondered, did she say yes, because she was drinking did I deserved to be raped? The answer to this, the girl would not figure out for a long time. The nightmares continued throughout her life, she could never quite get over the pain she caused her family, and the damage she had done to herself. The man who did this was never prosecuted, which added to her fear.
The Harvest moon that she watched rise above the city that night, almost claimed her life. Had she not watched the moon, would her flirtation with death come to play as it did? When she hears the song or sees a harvest moon, she will always remember the night that almost took her precious life from her.

Something to live with

2006-12-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

Most of my life has been a blur of emotions, I have thoughts that race through my head everyday. Sometimes I am not quite sure how to organize my emotions and feelings. As days go on and new experiences arise, I learn new things about myself that I have never discovered. I am starting to realize that this is a wonderful thing.
I don't always see things the way others might see them, and people do not always see me for who I really am. I am a very complicated person and I still have not figured out myself. I have a very hard time letting people in, this is to my own advantage. Life is not all roses and cherries, and people are not always as they appear to be. My own well being is very much apart of how I have come to these conclusions.
You see I struggle with a disease that messes with my emotions everyday, It does not always let me be as I want. This is why I can not let people see all of me. I am learning to take each day as it comes and learn from each experience. I try to enjoy all that I can, and to realize that each new discovery is a true test of myself. My experiences have taught me many hardships in life, however it has made me that much stronger, and will shape me into someone that one day I will be proud of.
Now I realize that many of my thoughts are very much scattered, but I write as my mind speaks to my fingers. This is one of the true things I so much enjoy in writing. Nothing has to make sense, but it all makes sense to me.

Epiphany

2006-12-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

Not everyday day in life is about something, in fact some day's I ponder the meaningless ways of the world. But some days, like today you have a vision, and new goal or a sudden insight into your life. Today has been one of those days!

For quite sometime I have been thinking about the meaning of my life and where is it going to take me, I have to question the position that I am in and, is this where I am supposed to be. I have been told that I am a strong person and the experiences in my life have made me that much better, but sometimes I wonder if this is true. I have to ask myself that being almost 26, why am I still not happy. Well some things that come to mind are, "yes I am in my 20's, this is a time of finding yourself", or I have made my bed, now I am the one that will have to lie in it. Considering my choices in life, I feel that I'm a little behind. Now I realize that's OK!

Not everyone finds their calling right away, for others it takes many years to find their true self. I am no different. Now by no means am I saying that I have found the key to my happiness, but I feel much better about my future. I have done some very hard soul searching (that I actually started a few months ago), and came to some revelations about my current situation.

1) I am not happy, which given is a pretty obvious statement,
But what am I going to do about it?
2) I am not someone who is going to settle for something that I don't want, even if it may sound good at the time.
How am I going to eliminate these situations?
3) I need to put me first and figure what I want before I can learn to love again.
This is something that I have a better grasp on
4) My education is the most important goal that I need to accomplish for me to be happy.
Knowing this what will give me my push?
5) Not everyone is perfect and no matter how bad I think it is, I can move forward and regain my happiness.
This is one I am still struggling very hard with.

Looking at this, I still have a long way to go, but now that I have written them down and can look at my life a little more objectively, I feel like a lot has been lifted from my shoulders.
I have a plan, I have something to look forward to, and learn from for the first time in a long time. So now that I know this what am I going to do about it? That is something I am going to have to take one day at a time.
Learning about myself again, and going after what makes me thrive is going to be a struggle. I have taken many steps backward. In a sense though I am starting anew, and this is what is going to give me my strength to move forward!